Edit: I don’t want this guy back. I just want to part ways without a fight having been our last interaction. That’s what I thought reconciling meant. Otherwise I would have said ‘get back together’ or something…
About two weeks ago our relationship (30F and 31M) ended of 5 months. We had a great one. Never fought, were always there for each other and we even (stupidly) had plans of moving together.
Met his parents. His mom was devastated when she found out we ended and gave me a tearful goodbye message.
It took one morning to undo all of that. He didn’t get along with my dogs. (They took too much time, their food and they smelled for him and I think he never forgave the old dog for some minor damage (scratch on the doorpost) he did when I was sick and the dog was in a panic).
Anyway he never properly communicated issues. He just complained until the issue went away. For all issues honestly. We only had a bicker/fight twice in those months and each time it almost or ended the relationship. Any attempts at communication regarding negative things was immediately ’drama’ and he didn’t need that.
I left frustrated and got ghosted for half a week before we phoned when I wanted to talk things over.
From the first minute it felt like each was 5 too much for him. It was an awful and unhelpful phone call.
I was pretty fed up with it by then. I don’t think I want him back unless he can communicate like an adult and not a 15yr old pubescent.
But now I have two things:
I lost my social calendar/circle. I moved countries when Corona hit so no real opportunities for widening that. Met him at the edge of the lockdown and went along. He had a very active lifestyle with a lot of friends and with him gone I’m starting from basically zero.
And I want to ‘reconcile’.
It’s a shame we left 5 amazing months in such a way. I don’t want to be besties or even friends but now it feels like we got out of an abusive relationship with the hate that was left in those last interactions. When that was the last thing we originally had.
I wanna reconcile that somehow? We have a no contact going now since a week? But I was thinking of asking him for coffee next week? Or do I do this sooner? Or just leave it?
Ideas? Suggestions?
23 comments
I would leave it be. You say it was a great relationship- but how could it be if he couldn’t communicate issues? I’m sure there were parts that were great, but it does not sound like he is compatible with you.
I would try to focus on moving forward. Are there interest you have that you can find some groups to join locally? It doesn’t really sound like you want him back, rather, you want the socializing back. There are other avenues to find people to connect with.
Good luck!
I personally think being only 5 months, I would just keep marching forward. Are you planning on getting rid of your dogs? That issue will always be there if you aren’t. Also, do you really want to put the time and energy into teaching a grown man how to communicate?
>About two weeks ago our relationship (30F and 31M) ended of 5 months. We had a great one. Never fought, were always there for each other
>Anyway he never properly communicated issues. He just complained until the issue went away. For all issues honestly. We only had a bicker/fight twice in those months and each time it almost or ended the relationship. Any attempts at communication regarding negative things was immediately ’drama’ and he didn’t need that.
I suspect the reason why fights never occurred was because it’d be all over if a fight occurs.
I wouldn’t reconcile.
That doesn’t sound like an amazing relationship to me: it sounds like a really bad relationship where you really liked the person. Just reading that he would complain until issues disappeared gave me anxiety. And you had two “bickers” that nearly ended things? And all the drama? Yeah, it doesn’t sound good! Those things may not have turned into fights by definition, but they were highly negative interactions that left your relationship worse for wear. Having actual fights could have resolved stuff properly.
For what it’s worth, my boyfriend sucks at communication but when he eventually starts a fight, we resolve it by talking stuff out.
I see that you’ve commented in a way that implies you’d just like to feel better about your last interaction with him, and I totally get that. It’s hard leaving things with in a negative light. I’d say, wait a month or two before contacting him. If you still want to do it after that, then reach out and say you’d love to get coffee in hopes of developing a friendship of sorts (I assume this is the most you’d want). Say you want closure and that if he’d be willing to meet you, it would help you move forward. I’ve met with people later and hashed out what went wrong and it’s been helpful for me. That said, it also can be awkward and painful.
Leave it. You don’t need him.
Uhhh…. Let it go… You two are obviously incompatible
Leave it. The ending left a sour taste after 5 great months and that’s hard to accept. But you’re doubling down on hoping another reconciliation changes that and it’s not going to happen.
You’re in a tough spot but realize when you come out of it you will feel differently and be glad you just left it alone
OP: We had a great relationship, never fought
Also OP: proceeds to describe many childish fights including a half a week ghosting episode
(which according to my math is actually 4% of your total relationship. )
Closure isn’t actually a real thing it’s an excuse to get back in contact with someone.
The only thing that can help you now is time and self-love. 5 months with somebody might seem like a large amount of time but to them it could literally mean nothing. I’m not trying to be cruel I just want you to understand that what you’re seeking doesn’t actually exist. The relationship is now over the best thing you can do for yourself is move on.
I was so hung up for months over looking for closure after someone who wouldn’t speak to me to end things and I had to do it over text, he realised it was coming and wanted to avoid the conversation. Finally I realised his avoidance and lack of communication was all the closure I needed and I could finally move on. A lesson I will always remember and hopefully never have to go through again.
People who sweat small stuff especially damage to material items are not worth talking too or having any connections with.
Eg of the moral math..Living life means breaking stuff, that’s what stuff is for to be used and utilized in life to live life + people on the other hand should never be used up = people who sweat small stuff use up people to preserve stuff.
And when I mean “small stuff” I mean how does the value of the scratches even compare to the value of a relationship? Some things do compare obviously so their are Some legitimate things to fight and sweat over but if you look at it 90% of fights are over things sooooo small that it’s insulting even to care about them. I think we have all had someone become nasty over something that has the value of 1$ or less.
Once Had a girlfriend that was angry with me for not filling the dishwasher up enough gave her $1000 in cash to never have this fight again and she agreed, but three weeks later admitted she couldn’t stop herself from being angry that The dishwasher was only 80% full when I turned it on. so she gave me back the $1000 lol…. People that can’t let go of small things always have temporary friendships and relationships, or superficial ones where they never get close enough to have these problems
I hadn’t heard from from my ex by noon on the day she dumped me, so I texted to ask if I had done something to make her not want to talk to me. She didn’t respond within a couple of hours, so I called her. She didn’t answer. We work for the same employer, so I emailed her to ask if she was okay. She finally responded with a text ripping me a new one for things she’d never raised as concerns and said she’d been avoiding me because she didn’t need the drama.
What the fuck is with these people and the word drama??? Anyway, she dumped me through a text, refused to talk on the phone, and wasn’t interested at all in working things out.
It was a 2 month relationship that ended nearly 7 months ago and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly happened. I at least recognize that for a healthy person, her behavior would be enough to be put me off for good. Alas, I’m not healthy. Hopefully this latest return to therapy will be helpful.
I feel like I’m in a bit of the same boat: I’m bored af without her around. I’m immunosuppresed, so being out and about isn’t exactly a good idea for me. The entire thing really, really sucks. I hadn’t been in a relationship for 7 years and managed to fall in love with the communication skills of a child. And yet she said my behavior was childlike. What a cruel joke. I don’t think there’s any squaring these circles.
You say you didn’t have issues then go on to describe someone conflict avoident who has an issue with your dog. It seems to me you are romanticizing the past. Now, it’s perfectly ok to feel it’s not a dealbreaker and you can work it out, but if his main issue is avoiding working things out and preferring to sweep it under the rug, then you obviously won’t be able to work it out. Not every issue will be worked out; many long term happy couples have reoccurring issues they accept with tolerance. But you have to decide if you can tolerate this then.
I’ve learned a major factor in working out issues in a relationship is less the issues and more the willingness to do so. Tolerance can be underrated (not everything is neatly solvable), but it’s usually created by understanding why some seemingly minor thing is a big deal (hit: it symbolizes something deeper to them).
…I’m sorry, as someone who loves dogs and will probably always have at least one dog, I wouldn’t rekindle anything with this guy. How do you deal with him resenting your dogs so much?
It’s important to learn how to fight in a relationship, and even MORE critical to be able to disagree constructively.
If you want to reconcile, be precise in your communication about what you want, and why. I would offer him an opportunity to find resolution together, and see if he’s interested. I’d do my best to structure communication keeping a clear goal in mind during further discussions.
Things to address: where did communication go wrong? Why? How can we each improve our efforts during conflict? Establish strategies together. What’s the point of no return? Is conversation shutting down? Set communication goals together. Establish boundaries if you’re arguing. Have standards for each other and yourselves that encourage communication.
The more you’re able to talk through challenging topics and circumstances the easier time you’ll have navigating them in the future.
Good luck
Talk about the dogs and get back with each other. Simple.
I would definitely leave it for now. Becoming friends after a breakup requires some time to cool down. Maybe reach out in three months, and during that time work on creating your own social network. But don’t try to hash things out or get some “closure”, reach out only if you want to be friends. If not, leave it
I’m confused about how you “never fought” but then you do say that you fought, and you mention how he complained until the issue went away. It sounds like you had a very avoidant style of interacting with one another and that both of you very strongly dislike unpleasant feelings and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to avoid them. (I glean this from what you said about him and from your focus on alleviating the current unpleasantness.)
I don’t believe in closure in the sense that it’s not a thing that another person can give us. We have to reconcile ourselves to the reality of the situation and then to our feelings about it. Reconciliation with the other person isn’t even possible until we can do that with ourselves and our own feelings.
I think you should walk away from this guy. I know I could never date a guy that didn’t love my dog. ..not just tolerate or like, I need my man to love my dog and my dog to love my man.
says it was a perfect relationship immediately list a HUGE red flag.
If he can’t cope with something that minor imagine if you guys ran into a major problem it’ll be twice as bad, but you got to do you
So you could always call him and explain it to him or if you don’t answer you can text and explain it to him at least you know you were in the right on the situation.
I know you want to reach out for closure, but you’ve already done that. It made things worse, not better.
If you don’t believe me, check out this Reddit comment from someone trying to get over a recent break up:
>I went overboard and started begging for him to tell wtf went wrong. I figured after 5 months least we could do was talk and see if compromises are a possibility.
>He accepted eventually but the phonecall was soooo hostile it removed most of my feelings for him. Sure it was closure but now it feels like we ended 5mo of a relationship with hatered in less than 30 minutes.
>Leave it now. Start recovering. If they made a mistake they might still contact you. If not ask closure when you’re less ‘in the moment’. Anywhere between 2-4 weeks I’d say.
>It’s one thing to be bad with communication. It’s another thing to throw 5 mo to the curb because your conflict resolution skills are on par with a fish. I wished I didn’t contact him now.
I know you’re hoping that if you just approach your ex in the **right way**, he’ll give you the closure you’re looking for. Unfortunately, that’s never going to happen. Even if he agrees to meet, and even if he isn’t a total butthead, I suspect he won’t have any useful insight for you.
Maybe instead you should listen to that commenter. Unlike your emotionally stunted ex, she has a good head on her shoulders.