Throwaway account as my partner knows my reddit username.
I [34F] am in a relationship with a [42F] who has two children, the younger who lives with us is a daughter, [18F].
My partner, (let’s call her Leah) and I have been in a relationship for just over 5 years.
Leah and her daughter have always had a rocky relationship. Her daughter constantly undermining her, using her for anything she can get out of her (mostly money), to the point Leah threatens to kick her out and she pulls her head in. It’s a vicious cycle.
We have lived together for 3.5 years and in that time, the daughter has never helped with household chores or cooked, or done anything remotely helpful. She works full time (as do the two of us) so she believes she should be getting fed and cared for as soon as she’s done at work. If she comes home from work and Leah hasn’t made her a snack, she is unbearable.
I try not to get involved as when I’ve tried to in the past, the daughter has become hostile towards me (hurtful language and words not physical). But that being said, there are times when she’s pleasant to be around. She can be in her pleasant mood for a week or two, then something doesn’t go her way, and she’s slamming doors, swearing and carrying on for the next week.
Leah’s daughter had surgery 2 weeks ago, and all of a sudden, Leah has forgotten how horrible her daughter is. Her daughter is clearly exaggerating her pain and is even asking Leah to help her with things like using the toilet and showering (the surgery she had does not limit her from doing these things). She’s asked her Leah to sleep with her to wake her up in the middle of the night to take her medication, to take time off work to take care of her, all which Leah has done.
I understand being a mother you care for your child, but it’s like Leah has forgotten how horrible she’s always been to her.
I tried to raise with her that perhaps it was all going a bit too far and was being exaggerated to which she told me I wasn’t supportive and she didn’t have to justify herself and her actions to me (I don’t expect her to).
Leah has become hostile towards me when I’ve tried to have a conversation with her about how I believed she was being used by her daughter again.
If I had my way, I’d ask her to move out. But the house is the two of ours and Leah has said she is staying until she’s 21.
What do I do? Do I just keep putting up with this behaviour for another 3 years or do I ask to break up and sell the house?
I love this woman and we are engaged to be married in January, but I’m having second thoughts.
TL;DR
My partner is being manipulated by her daughter but she can’t see it.