I don’t know anymore

Sorry about all the back and forth. This is a vent as well as desperation for some outside opinion.

So my boyfriend (both in our late 20s) and I have been dating for about 6 years, but the majority of it has been long distance because of covid. He’s originally from a different country, so the option of living and seeing each other hadn’t been possible. The reason we decided to commit to the relationship is because the end goal is to live together in the same country. This was all in place before the pandemic, but got halted for obvious reasons.

In the months leading up, even before the pandemic, he became depressed because his living situation was very dissimilar from what he had when we were together, i.e., career, friends etc. He became very distant, rude and cold. Made me feel guilty because my living circumstances were better than his (we’re both from 1st world countries, but he lives somewhere not as populated). I excused a lot of the behaviour because I could tell that it was not directed at me. He simply didn’t have the resources to communicate his feelings to a therapist. I explained to him that his communicative skills were lacking, and his projections were extremely hurtful. I told him that I hated being shut out only to be used to yell at. I told him that I felt like an emotional punching bag, and that I felt alone and sad. He said he would do better, and for a bit, he would put in more effort in the conversation. He wouldn’t hang up out do the blue. He wouldn’t refuse to talk. For a bit, I didn’t feel as if I was talking to a wall, or to someone who only bothered to call when they needed to yell and curse at the world. Like I said… for a bit. This cycle of him hurting me emotionally, me enduring it, getting pushed over the edge, telling him off, lasted just over a year and a half. If I’m honest, sometimes I dont understand why I stayed. I think it was because I was reminiscent of all the good times we had together. We are very good together, in person. We never really fought, never felt as though there was discrepancy romantically, physically or emotionally.

So here’s the problem now.

It’s been over a year since all that. It’s better now. In some aspects, I guess. I still feel as though he doesn’t communicate his love for me well over video chat. He sometimes says loving things via text, but never when we’re calling. He only ever calls me when it’s convenient timing for him, and because of the time difference, it’s always mid day for me and night for him. When I’m supposed to be working, or studying (for nursing). He says he’s always too tired to talk, but arguably, I have more commitments that take up a significantly greater amount of time. Oh, and he says he can’t stay up late to chat (11pm), but will eagerly be out past 2am if he goes out with friends (decently often). So I brought up the fact that I feel as if there’s a lack of interest on his part.

He accused me of saying that I’m bottling things up to purposely hurt him. He says that I’m only picking out certain times to start a fight so it ruins his time off. Tells me I shit on his mood. I guess I could do better at relaying my feelings at times.

I’ve had recently to endure some pretty tough family ordeals, and he spun it around as though he did me a favour for picking up the phone a few nights when I called in tears. Says that we’re both obviously tired, but my reasonings for bringing up the subject of me feeling under-appreciated were bullshit.

He still continues on to only call when it suits him. It’s every day, but probably less than 15 minutes (most days). But there are no signs of romantic undertones until he tells me he loves me before he leaves. It sounds very robotic and automatic. Other than that, it’s small talk. How’s the weather? What did you do today? It’s very difficult to talk like that because in person, it was always so fluid. Nowadays, he can be really good. And we might chat for an hour or so. Then it isn’t, and i feel lonely again.
And don’t tell me to try not to chat every day. We tried that. Didn’t make anything better.

I think I’m definitely going through a point in my life where I feel the most insecure that I have ever been. I have never been so, and I usually thrived all my life. I may be a bit depressed and overwhelmed with school and relationships. So, what hurts me so much is that I was there when he was hurting. I pushed through it, and saw behind his cruel words and saw someone who was hurting, someone I loved. And now, when I’m not as nearly deep in the shit as he was, he can’t seem to acknowledge it.

I feel as though I’m so mad because I was put through so much shit because he begged me to stay, and that he would do better. And he, eventually, started to feel less depressed. I could say now he’s happy. I feel as if he can’t do what I did for him. I see him putting himself first all the time, and that’s how it should be. Everyone should put themselves first as selfish as it sounds. But I didn’t do that. I gave it all for him. I know he technically doesn’t owe me anything. It would be nice to see my needs met though.

It hurts. I’m hurt. I’m hurt thinking about what I was put through. I’m hurting because I think we’re not the same people we used to be. I’m hurt thinking about how good everything was before. We were very good. So much that I was radiant and happy and boastful of the relationship. I felt secure and hopeful for the future. Now I’m sad.

I don’t know if it’s just me and my poor mental health. I don’t know if I need advice. I probably need a therapist. It’s been a few years of this. Right before Covid, so you guys do the math.

There’s so much else I have to say. But it’s hard to remember years of this.

The reason I brought this up is because I found a journal where I wrote down all the times he hurt me when he was depressed. I cried reading it… because it was a lot.

I searched for the journal because today, I said I didn’t feel loved… he got mad at me for ruining his night, and his weekend… and then told me to go away.

I’m really sad 🙁

I don’t know what to do.

I feel like he thinks he could never lose me.