I really need advice here. We have been dating four about a year and a half now. Things were pretty great in the beginning but I have always felt like my needs aren't met. I was head over heels in love for a while so I think I thought a lot of the issues would resolve on their own. I'm at the point now where I'm pretty miserable, we fight almost every day over stupid shit and I smoke or drink every night because the situation has me so confused and sad. I'm going to list a few of the most problematic things in our relationship that are making me question it:
- She has a lot of issues. This sounds callous I know, and is probably the worst way to start off but hear me out. My girlfriend has some pretty serious medical issues and trauma, and a lot of severe issues with her identity. I'm not going to go into detail about the medical stuff, but it's something awful that she and her family have been dealing with for years. To be fair, I knew about her medical problems before I started dating her, but I guess I just didn't understand the severity. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't come to me for support about some of the things affecting her, and no matter what I do or say I feel like I can't help. It has gotten to the point where when we are spending time together I feel that she is always preoccupied with her medical issues, and I can never come to her for support with my own issues. For example, one night I opened up to her about my experience with sexual abuse, and how it has affected my perception of myself, how I can be disgusted by my own body, and she took it as me saying I was disgusted with her (because she often tells me she finds herself to be disgusting, although I reassure she is anything but!) and she didn't comfort me as I cried and ended up leaving my house in the middle of the night because she could not take it. This was incredibly hard for me to experience, as I was being incredibly vulnerable with her and desperately needed her support, but it felt like she was too focused on her body image issues to really hear me and support me. Furthermore, the next day I had to reach out to her and apologize for my behavior yet received no apology back. I don't think I acted perfectly in the situation, but I was so hurt by her seemingly not caring or supporting me that I got upset. She brought up the situation over call the other day and implied that I had hurt her, and it didn't seem like she factored in my feelings at all, or that had disclosed really personal and traumatic information to her. It has left me spinning honestly.
- I don't feel like she is interested in my life or what I have to say. When we are talking or spending time together, she doesn't really ask me any questions and I often find her spacing out, or going on her phone. I constantly have to ask if she was listening or heard what I was saying. She never seems engaged with me.
- She does not really do anything for me. I have bought her flowers, cooked and brought her dinner, driven her around for the year that she didn't have a car (never asked for gas money), bought her lunch, presents, dinner, breakfast, whatever, because it's one way I show love. And again, I feel like this is something that's going to make me sound like an asshole, but she doesn't do any of that stuff for me. The ONLY time she bought me flowers was after we had a fight. She doesn't cook, she's very frugal with her money, and she hates driving. Recently, I asked her to come pick me up from my house since she wanted to spend time together, and it turned into an argument about how it was inefficient for her to come to my house and pick me up when she would just have to drop me off again in the morning. What's so frustrating is that I had done that for her for a long time, and that I know countless people who drive her around with no complaint. I mean, She lived at my house for a few months when her mom kicked her out, and I drove her everywhere, I even gave her a drawer in my dresser for her clothes, space in my closet, and I bought her a toothbrush. I let her use all my stuff, eat anything she wanted, and I never asked for money in return. Yet when I ask to share some of her food, she always asks me for money, when I ask her to drive somewhere, gas is too expensive or it "doesn't make sense for her to do it". There's many more small situations like that but I won't go into detail, this is too long already.
- Sex is not perfect. There's thing she does that I am just straight up not into, but I feel like I can't tell her because she is so insecure. I have brought i tup in the past, and she often shuts down and then keeps information/feelings from me because she's embarrassed. I have tried to assure her that it's normal and okay and that she does not have to be embarrassed but it has not changed over the course of our relationship.
- Anytime I open up to her about how all this is affecting me, she shuts down. I have had multiple conversations with her about not feeling appreciated, not feeling valued or loved, and it ends with her crying, and me having to reassure her.
- Worst of all, I have developed feelings for another person. Although it's not the first time it has happened, it's incredibly distressing to me right now. I have determined that because of my history of sexual abuse and neglect, I can develop unhealthy crushes on people and become obsessed. It happened in my last relationship towards the end when it all started falling apart and going to shit. I would never act on my feelings and I would never cheat, but it's filling me with despair to feel this way. I look forward to spending time with this crush, I think about him often. He is in a relationship as well and yet I have really fallen for him, My girlfriend does not know and neither does he, I would never tell either of them. I am waiting for it to go away, but it's making my mental state even more fragile.
The above is pretty much the extent of the issues I have been having. I love my girlfriend so much. She is funny, she is intelligent, she is driven, passionate, creative, talented interesting, and beautiful. I don't want to end things with her. Thinking about it brings me to tears, but I am so drained. I am considering going to therapy because I am so confused and distraught at the state of our relationship. Do you think it is salvageable? Is it worth it to stay with her, or am I destroying myself for someone else's sake?
TL,DR:
I don't feel valued in my relationship and I don't feel like I get out what I put in. and I am considering breaking up with my girlfriend. I need advice on if the relationship is salvageable, or if I should just break things off before I leave for college.