(Please let me know if this is posted in the right place)
TLDR: Basically, I (31M) am being told that I’m abusive and a gaslighter. I have tried everything I can do to understand my friend of two years (39F) and what I am doing wrong, and now I get a fight or flight response being in the same room with her – I have had to cease talking with her altogether. Yes I’m in therapy.
(I wish I could make this shorter) I have a friend who I have known for the past couple years. We began to get extremely close and saw each other every day for nearly a year, and I can actually say that I began to trust her and value her friendship more than anyone in my life. She was just so charming, so nice and patient and interesting and funny and kind – she actually taught me a lot about conflict resolution and communication – it’s like she cared about me enough to be patient and help me unlearn how I was failing to communicate and understand my partners in the past. I love her for that. We cuddled and spooned and kissed ( no sex) but weren't really dating per se. We began to work together in a professional setting (religious) 2 to 3 days per week.
Last year, we began to have disagreements which we have normally been able to address and forgive each other over. There came a disagreement where I told her that she was being very rude to me (just generally raising her voice, getting angry over small things like who remembered the situation correctly, telling me that this wasn’t how she said something, etc.) She began to be very hostile towards me in regular everyday situations (I have tried to put things in the past, continued to try and be kind, offer my help whenever needed, and give her space when she is angry at me or beginning to raise her voice – whether or not I am in the wrong). I just try to do the best I can, apologize, and move on.
But no apology is ever good enough for her. It comes down to me “not understanding what I have done wrong and not apologizing for the things I need you to” (I feel like I am just unable to understand the intense form of communication that she needs from me in order to be her friend).
Eight months go by with several instances of her blowing up on me over small things – I brought our manager in as a mediator because every time we’re behind closed doors, she would freak out and yell at me over stupid disagreements we’ve had. It’s come to the point that I am unable to be in the same room with her without the door open or without someone else there. I start to feel panicked and shake uncontrollably. I have not had this problem with anyone else in my entire life.
The last time I had to interact with her at work, I purposely took two doses of a new as-needed anxiety medication because I knew I had to go talk to her. When she began to freak out and raise her voice over me moving some items into a storage room without her permission, even after I apologized, when I told her “I just have to stand over here in the doorway, ok? I just need to feel safe over here” she mocked me and said “Oh, the door is open. I’m glad you’re able to stay safe.” That told me that I needed to cease talking with her and trying to do this, putting myself in this seemingly threatening situation.
This is so dumb. I wish I could just put our entire year-long conversation up for you guys so that I could get a 100% accurate view of what I am doing wrong and whether or not she is actually right. I can’t admit that I am being abusive and gaslighting – doesn’t that mean I am being manipulative and trying to make her think that things she is remembering is false when they really aren’t? I would never do this to another human being.
I am going to try and attach screenshots of our last convo here… https://imgur.com/a/dttdNoc