I (24f) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (24m) for 6 years now since 18. He was my first and only relationship and our relationship has been crumbling. Even though we go through the same cyclical issues I still can’t seem to let him go. We’ve been talking about how we are different and our needs and even coping mechanisms are different making it really difficult. A couple days ago I saw on his dicord he was talking to a girl he used to heavily make out with (along with other things but never had sex). I immediately felt insecure. It was worse because he tried to hide that he was talking to her. I confronted him yesterday and he confessed that he had flirted in the past with her during our relationship. I had always felt suspicious of her in the past but he kept reassuring me that they were just friends and she needed someone to talk to and nothing was happening. He lied to me and I feel like shit. We live together and it makes the breakup kind of messy and complicated. I know what I need to do, but I am having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that we have to break up. I don’t want to but it’s unhealthy. I just need people to validate my feelings. Sorry if some of it doesn’t make sense I’m having a really difficult day.
Tl;dr I have been in a 6 year relationship and found out he was flirting with a girl I was suspicious about always. Can’t seem to find the strength to break up because I have a codependent relationship.
6 comments
I support you breaking things off. There’s really no reason to wait and it doesn’t have to be messy.
There’s a book about codependency that might help too, I think it’s called codependent no more.
Okay so I was in this for about 8 years. You have to cut him off totally. There is no being friends you have to block him.
I literally moved to get away from my ex that’s how codependent it was. It’s gonna suck and feel unnatural but that’s pretty much what it takes. As much as it sucks it feels much better being on the other side.
Work on yourself dear. Go on psychology com and look up neurofeedback in your area. Best decision I ever made.
The choice to leave will come naturally and with strength.
Also having a support group.
Are you afraid of being single or is it more to do with the messiness of it?
You are valuable and worthwhile separately from your role in this doofus’ life. Totally agree with you that it’s time to end, time to take a break from being in a relationship, especially this one, and not be entangled in this drama and these strong feelings.
Some things that might help you transition that really helped me were to take 30 minutes and write down your values. There are helpful worksheets, card decks, etc that can help guide you there if you like. Things like “creativity” or “nature” or “health” can be good ones. Maybe “family” or “religion” or “money”.
Once you’ve figured out your top values, find a way to connect with them. Maybe you like nature so you decide to go for a walk in the woods every so often, or you’re big on health so you make sure to prepare a healthy meal for yourself.
This will reprogram your brain to derive joy and self worth from things that are within your control, and are independent from this soon to be ex. I really needed to do this, and it helped me feel like my own person.
Regardless of my thing, I wish you the best and I am happy that you’ve identified your needs here, and I know you will soon be much happier.
23F, I was there 1.5yrs ago with my ex. It was insanely hard, no sugar coating it. But at the same time, I am sooo happy I got out and don’t regret it at all. The more you let things go, the more unhappy you will be. There is no scenario where pushing your feelings down and constantly letting him disrespect you turns out well. You are worthy of respect and love; no one deserves to be made insecure in their relationship because their partner doesn’t respect boundaries. Will it be hard? Yes. Will you regret it in the short term and spiral? Probably. But as long as you surround yourself with people that love you while you heal, you will come out on the other side happier for it.