Please I really need your suggestions. Sorry for the long post.
I'm staying at home Mom and from one week working from home. From the past I am from a small town, orthodox and religious, I'm one men woman and save myself just for my husband.
After marriage, I noticed our sexual life was not good I always initiated sex although I shy. After two years of marriage, I gained some courage and told him why our married life is like this, why I always initiate, you don't have feelings or if you suffer from some problems then we will see a doctor and he is like I'm fine I'm just shy I can't express my feelings. Then after two years, I delivered my daughter. No sex for another 2 years because I didn't initiated. After that again I started initiating because I also have feelings.
We will have our 10th marriage anniversary after six months and still our sexual life is like that, not only sexual life but also we fight a lot he never comes to solve fights I always go to him to solve everything, and he ignores me. In these 10 years he never said sorry, not once or come to solve the fight. So often he gets angry in front of his family and our friends. I told him that I didn't like it. I told him so many times let's have marriage counseling and he is like I don't believe in that etc, I think he believes that it is wasting money. Money is always his priority. I accept that this is how he is this is how life will be.
Recently I noticed my husband staring at other women. When I told him that he refused, and even he told me if you don't have trust then I will never go out, etc. He is always on his phone. Whenever I ask him about his phone he refuses and gets angry for no reason and once or twice I saw his Instagram and Facebook I saw so many suggestions of women with appealing clothes or women with appealing poses or show of their body (I don't know the exact word). I gained so much courage and told him about that a week ago and he said no everything is fine, I'm not staring, etc. you don't trust me? I felt so dumb myself and feel guilty that maybe he is right. Then again yesterday I ask about his phone not to see anything just because he was using mine for some work so I asked him and then again his reaction I was sure there is something he is not want me to see. After sometime I got his phone and see he asks about some women to Reddit who is she etc. and also he is asking about some porn sites. This. I cant digest this. IF you are not intrested in me just let me know but be loyal dont break my trust. I know I'm so dumb that till yesterday I thought he cared our relation, he loves me. I talk to him. I cry every minute from yesterday. I feel cheated. I feel broken. I told him that everything is okay but not cheating. I never check other men I am always loyal to him. I told him so many times that if you don't like me or you are not happy with me or whatever reason just let me know I will go and I will focus on my career and he is saying no I'm fine etc.
I completed my study and then I conceived then we decided that I will not work at least my daughter is grow a little so I didn't start any work. During covid time I started getting anxiety and anxiety attacks don't know the reason hypothyroidism (which I got during pregnancy) or anemia. For these two years, I fell sick a lot. Indirectly he told me so many times that I was wasting money(on doctors) and I am not earning and giving me examples of others. I started finding work I try everything whatever I can do. Not doing anything for 7 years is making things worse. I'm not good at speaking English so that causes me so much anxiety about how can I handle interviews? What if I don't get a job and the market is so down right now? All these things push me back. Luckily I got my first 1-month project last week.
I don't know what to do. Anyone please give me some suggestions on what to do? what can I do? and how can I bring myself back from this situation? I am not able to do anything other than cry.