HOW TO FIND MYSELF

Hello, dear reader. I have lost hope, so much so that I don’t want to do anything anymore. I am 16 years old. It all started in February 2024. One day, I was celebrating some kind of holiday with my friends. Naturally, there are a lot of videos left from this holiday. My mother was watching these videos and called me to “discuss something.” She started showing me a video of me entering a room (I was slightly slouched). My mother told me that she saw in me the movements of a person insecure, began to say that I “walk like a beaten wolf,” and began to show me some kind of goat from YouTube who explained about status in body language. This had a big impact on me. I began to repeat confident body language while remaining insecure inside. I started to pretend to be a confident dude while being insecure on the inside. In fact, I felt like I had achieved little compared to my peers, and even though I was happy for them, I felt inferior and like crap. I reinforced this opinion about myself when I found myself in an unfamiliar company for 2 weeks. I couldn’t make friends with them at all, and on the contrary, I became a laughing stock. Everyone understood that I am not what I try to be, that internally I am an insecure person who has achieved little worthwhile, but for that he has a gait like a penguin and he also does not know how to make friends. I begin to control every movement of my finger to make sure that I have a confident gait, and when I try to control this, I feel great psychological and physiological discomfort. Let me tell you, the company was really unpleasant, I didn’t communicate with them much because I didn’t like them. I didn’t go anywhere with them because of this, and that’s where the ridicule began. For a month I tried to get out of the stressful state as much as possible, but I couldn’t and it destroyed me. It's been a month and I'm thinking: who am I? what is my style? what are my manners? Am I a loser or cool? What should I do with myself? Today I got up as if nothing had happened and these thoughts attacked me. I don't feel myself at all. I had a headache all day thinking that I was nobody. And at one point, the thought of suicide came to me, I lay in my bed for 5 minutes, got up, laughed and said: that’s all! I have lost my former keen sense of humor. I started talking nonsense, I don’t think about anything anymore. The fight for myself has stopped in me. I feel like a loser and I have no hope, I don’t care about the fight anymore. I remained unknown to myself and no longer fight. Maybe you, dear reader, if you’ve read to the end, know what I should do? I write this reluctantly, because I am already broken.