Back story: “The guy (30M) I’m seeing and I (25F) met 2 years ago while he was on home detention. This meanz he had a bracelet and couldn’t leave the house, but I was introduced by a friend and we just chat, he bought me gifts, that was that. 2 months after we met, he disappeared. He was arrested and was in jail for 9 months. I moved on and didn’t have much thought besides the $ he borrowed from me that he couldn’t pay back while in jail.
The day he got released back to home detention, he contacted me, and I rushed to see him. I considered him a good friend and we had great chats together. No feelings. We ate meals together, I went to his place about 1-2 times a week and usually when it was to talk to him about some work. I lent him a large sum of money (like $30k) and was goin back and forth talking about what he was using it on. I bought him a puppy, and took the dog to all his vet appts so I visited the guy a lot. I could tell he wanted more and liked me and always asked me when I would visit next. In December, I gave in and we slept together. From that day on, I considered myself pretty much his (he’s only the second guy I’ve slept with so I’m loyal and unconsciously act like we are together after sleepin together). I started being at his 3-4 times days a week, sleeping over every time, eating together, helping him clean, he treated me well, we talked a lot, it was really nice. He said good morning to me everyday, we texted everyday, we were basically girlfriend boyfriend except not talked about, and he was still on home detention so we had never gone on a date at that point. It was FWB relationship but I started catch more feelings and so did he. “
2 months ago, he got arrested AGAIN! He’s been in jail waiting for sentencing since then. Here is where my dilemma started.
Ever since he’s been in jail this time, I have told police, corrections, lawyer that I am his partner. This made the process easier to visit him and gather information. He had told all his cell mates I’m his girlfriend. I have been meeting his parents and they also call me his girlfriend and i have been doing girlfriend things.
Problems:
1. In the first week when he was in jail, he gave me his phone and password to find something for him. I eventually got curious and came across him messaging prostitutes and girls everyday when I wasn’t with him. He slept with many, including sugar babies. We never said we were exclusive, but I was so hurt and cried for a few days. I never told him how I felt because our phone calls isn’t enough for a serious talk. He was calling prostitutes every week and messaging other girls everyday. I’m the only one favourited in all apps, and through msgs, I know he prioritised me by cancelling them every time I msged , and all my belongings were displayed in his room so they knew of my existence too. Only I didn’t know about them.
2. My friend who worked for him told me he owed all this money. In total, he owes over $500k to people outside (and owes me $30k currently).
3. They also told me he was a meth abuser and I see the evidence now and it all makes sense
4. He has a major gambling problem, losing over $1,5mil in 4-5 months.
I would never know this if I didn’t discover it on his phone that he trusted me with or if his friend didn’t tell me. He talked to me and treated me so well. He calls me multiple times a day from prison, told me he loves me everyday… and making plans for when he’s out with me as his official girlfriend. I don’t know what to say. He is not getting out for probably a year or more. He will get bail again soon on home detention but he could get sentenced to jail after. I don’t want to lose him , I miss him everyday but I can’t commit to him knowing he has all these problems and he can’t give me marriage any time soon and I’m not getting younger. I want to tell him something that says : I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to official be with him, or be public or commit until he proves he stops meth, gambling and pays off all his debts. I also want him to understand that I don’t want to commit because we have never dated while he has freedom so I don’t know what he’s like when he has options and freedom , off the bracelet. I’m also afraid that his sentence will be many years and there is NO WAY I am willing to wait until I’m 28 or something and he might only want me because I’m the best option for his situation now. I’m not committing years in case he doesn’t truly love me or in case he’s a different person with freedom when he’s released. 0 chance waiting. Even 1 year is pushing it which is the minimum time I suspect the sentencing court needs.
What should I do, without breaking contact with him, but without continuing this girlfriend thing? I don’t mind doing all the girlfriend work and support , but I want to find options and I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to risk my youth if he never fixes his meth and gambling too and I don’t want his debts to affect me. I am very well off in my own right and I’m afraid others will come after me for his debts if they think / know that I am his girlfriend tooo. I also don’t want to lose other guys chasing me right now for a maybe from him. Am I in the wrong for this?