Male 22 I was with my first gf for alittle under 5 years, we never had sex. In the start maybe the first 2 years she and I had a decent "sexual" relationship but it was nothing more then nudes for the longest time
It took 3 years for us to finally kiss and in tht year we also went abit further to me being able to make her finish with my hands from the outside of her jeans. Very rarely she would give me a hand job but I never finished because she didn't want me too
After tht year it started to stop, we would go a month without anything even barley kissing and id ask if we could maybe fool around abit and shed always say no, of course I'd say okay no problem gave her a hug and would carry on. Time went by and I told her I was getting upset asking over and over and being denied.. of course she was able to deny me and I made sure to make that clear, but I also addressed how I didn't feel wanted by her so I told her I was just going to stop asking and wait for her to start things. Well it became even more rare…I think we went 2 years after tht discussion without doing shit. Even cuddling was gone, id ask her to lay with me let me have her in my arms so I could read to her and shed always say no. I felt horrible.
Yet she would read her smut and dance on her GFs all sexual at clubs or partys. One day we finally started doing stuff again and we actually went further then normal. She came back from a vacation and said she was finally ready to do more for me and I was so so grateful. She promised to cuddle and fool around at the end of our date. Well We had a nice date and at the end I was excited to cuddle up with her, she said she didn't want to. I said to her but u promised, she said yeah ik. I expressed we absolutely didn't need to do anything sexual at all I just want to hold my GF and she once again denied it claiming her stomach hurt. She had me massage her stomach and then that turned sexual. We went further then ever but still no sex. She made fun of me for it and then broke up with me the day after
Its now been 9 months since then, not only am I healing from someone I was with for almost 5 years just suddenly vanishing but im also scared of sexual stuff now. I feel like I was a problem? Every now and then I have sexual thoughts and I have a panic attack because all I can think is how I felt and i get so scared