Looking for a bit of clarity from the community here. I (31M) recently met someone on an app (31F). She set out in our initial message conversations by making her intentions clear that she was in no rush with anything in her romantic life, wanted to take things slow, etc. which I was more than happy to respect–in fact I find that to be a very encouraging sign. We had a long talking stage (~3 weeks) and then finally decided to meet up. We had an amazing first date, one of the most romantic I've been on in a longggg time, and have continued to see each other frequently for the next couple of weeks with great results. It has been a minute since I've been this attracted to somebody, and I know the feeling is mutual because we have discussed it, but the physical component at this point is minimal (makeouts and heavy-petting) because, again, she wanted to take things slow and I am not the type to pressure that.
After it was clear things were moving in a really good direction (roughly 2 weeks after date #1), she divulged that she had a threesome with a hetero couple the night after our first date. She prefaced it by saying that she is bicurious (I fully support that) and that it was planned before we had met in person. I know there is technically no line that was crossed here, and to be clear I have a colorful sexual history and am certainly not against anything exploratory, but it just seemed like:
A.) I was mislead by her in saying she wanted to take things slow while pursuing sexual objectives elsewhere, which to me just seems like an odd way to approach things even if it was unintentional
B.) It undermines all the progress we made and the feelings I developed over our several weeks of in-person dating
C.) We still have not slept together, and now things feel tense in that department and generally unblanced/unfair because I feel that if I were to sleep with someone else at this stage it would be inappropriate and might even come across like getting back at her, but that almost seems like the only way to re-establish an even keel
Before she told me about her encounter everything seemed effortless with her which was a good sign in my book, and now things feel strained and forced. To add to the juice, she asked several days after divulging that info if I was willing to be exclusive (still having not slept together). Is it worth it for me to keep pursuing this? I feel like I could make an effort to move past it because I genuinely like this person and that's rare in the real world much less from a dating app, but the lopsided power dynamic really doesn't sit right with me.
I'm on the fence, and seek the great council's wisdom. Thanks in advance!
TLDR: Person had threesome after first date (we were not exclusive), took weeks to tell me after we had hit it off and had multiple great dates, now things seem off
29 comments
sounds like way more complication than i’d want to put up with.
This sounds strangely familiar to something I experienced as well lol.
Basically starting seeing someone new I met off a dating app. She was extremely cool and seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. Maybe a couple red flags but nothing crazy.
Then after the first date I guess she tells me she would have on and off threesomes with this couple that would invite her over. Tbh I didn’t really care because it’s none of my business and we aren’t exclusive or anything…but I was definitely in shock lmao. I come to find out they asked her for a threesome right before our second date too.
After the second date she feels so comfortable and let loose she builds the courage to tell me her vagina stinks sometimes while we’re just sitting in my car about to kiss. I was done at that point and couldn’t wait to drop her ass off. 🤣
Find someone else
I don’t think she lied. She said she didn’t want to rush in to anything romantic. It seems what she had was just sexual release. If you’re not in a relationship then she crossed no lines. Personally I’m not seeing how this changing the power dynamics. What about her having sex makes you feel off?
If it really effortless to be with her then I’d continue to pursue it.
I understand people are free to do as they wish and all, especially before the dating becomes serious, but this would be a dealbreaker for me.
Find someone else. Don’t play these bullshit games with women. She’s willing to have a threesome with random people, yet you’ve been seeing her for awhile and she wants to take things slow with you? Bunch of nonsense. Walk away.
I would instantly lose all attraction and would not waste any more of my time.
This is a tough one. She knew things were going well with you, wanted to delay taking things to next level, but in her own mind rationalized her behavior wouldn’t affect the relationship the two of you are building.
Guess what, it did! Kind of makes you wonder what else she’ll give herself a “pass” on. Tough one. If you can get past this and move forward, establish boundaries/ conditions, and trust but verify they are adhered to. We’re all a bit selfish sometimes. She gets a pass based on the “letter” but not the “spirit/intent.”
The stuff you guys are willing to to put up with is crazy 😆. I’d walk away
Yeah I would leave a man who did that, that would disgust me
Go with your instinct, if it doesn’t feel right best end things. Not a good feeling to have this early on because you could always be questioning it.
All this would say to me tbh is that she thinks I’m a sucker tbh
Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think she did anything wrong. You weren’t exclusive and it was one date. That said I think it’s reasonable to not want to be exclusive until you know you’re physically compatible.
Additionally, I could understand taking things more slowly with someone you were serious about. I’d imagine that she wanted to know that you really liked her and weren’t just looking to hook up, and the fact that you’ve stuck around and you’ve clicked without that makes it clear that you are interested in a relationship. I’d be honest about how you feel; connections like the one you two seem to have are rare, and given no lines were crossed but there were some (understandably) hurt feelings, talking about it would probably help. Best of luck!
It wouldn’t bug me, personally. Boundaries were never established and if the plan is to take it slow, no boundaries should be established until it gets more intense. (Obviously, personal boundaries still need to be respected.) But as a “couple” you two don’t have any “couple boundaries.”
If a mff NSA threesome fell into your lap randomly that night with other women, or even if it was planned for that matter, would you have turned it down or let a date with a person you met once keep you from doing it? I wouldn’t have, so i wouldn’t have expected a bi-curious woman to either.
Just me tho, mate, and I’m not really the jealous type fwtw. (Only jealous I wasn’t included lol) also you get the added bonus of knowing she’s into that sort of thing, which may or may not be a bonus for you.
Cheers! 🍻
She’s equivalent to the women who fuck around a lot in their teens and twenties, and then want to have double standards and ‘take things slow’ with new partners in their 30s when they’re looking to settle down.
Not sure in what universe it is alright to tell a person you’re dating to take it slow, while having threesomes on the side.
I used to have similar experiences on dating apps before I met my partner. Women seemed to want to take things slow with me to get to know me first, but either had casual hookups or drunk ONSs while seeing me. Huge turnoff because it shows how “liberated” you are to have sex with anyone but me while making me wait for intimacy that I want with you.
I understand that there was no official commitment such as a relationship or title, but that’s irrelevant to me. I’m looking for a relationship, not some pseudo-2024, “if it happens, it happens,” aloof garbage that people do nowadays.
When I date someone, I’m looking for long term and real, otherwise may as well treat everyone as “casual sex”. I don’t see multiple women at a time because you need to focus on one person to get the most out of what you might have with them. You feel much better doing that as well. I expect the same in return otherwise it’s a no from me, thanks. Ick. It’s not hard at all to prioritise a potential relationship over casual sausage if it’s actually what you want.
I suggest that if it has made you uncomfortable, tell her you aren’t interested because you’re looking for someone a bit more mature/looking for the same things in a relationship as you. It’s not jealous or controlling.
So when you guys were dating and not official, would you have been okay if she was dating other people and sleeping with them? Usually people either date one person at a time, or they date many people and don’t really talk about it with each other unless it’s relevant for the other to know.
I’ve had issues with dating when the other person dates differently from what I’m expecting the dating to be, on both sides.
I personally like her honesty and openness about the situation and i think if you like her then you shouldnt let your pride come between that. If it was a planned threesome its safe to assume she took her time getting comfortable with that couple the same way she wants to do with you. As long as you think she is trustworthy moving forward i would continue to see her, but if you at all think you can’t get passed this then just end it now and dont waste your time or hers.
My 2 cents:
No lines were crossed. I doubt she was “dating” said couple so for her, the physical encounter was ok because there weren’t going to be feelings involved.
I think it’s odd to plan not only a date but then a subsequent threesome on the same evening 😆 I worry that you took “no rush” in the romance to dept to mean she wants a slow romance when it might mean she’s in no rush to be searching for a relationship at all. It sounds like she may not be in the same headspace as you.
Simple answer: I’d have the “where do you see this going” talk. Be honest about how the threesome revelation affected you. Go from there.
She didn’t cross any lines. But you are also entitled to feel turned off by behavior that’s not technically wrong. That’s what dating is about!
Edited for clarity.
Don’t try and overlook this. You will feel retroactive jealousy at random moments moving forward and it will cripple you. Do yourself a favour here and trust that feeling in the pit of your stomach, and walk away.
I wouldn’t date someone who engaged in that type of behavior, let’s just me
Yuck. Sorry you wasted your time.
Even if she technically did nothing wrong, I don’t like that she felt the need to tell you about the threesome. Like what was the reason? It reads too much as dangling it in your face without consideration for your feelings. I wouldn’t entertain this kind of person for something serious.
“I want to have sex, just not with you” should typically come at the end of a relationship rather than the beginning.
Yeah, idc I’m conservative or whatever. I find that pretty gross and if some dude told me that, I would be like bye asap.
Streets are calling her, let her go
She’s for the streets
Why do people tend to think that expecting a person not to have sex with others while meeting, getting to know each other stage is kind of invasive, abusive, selfish..? Is this too much to ask? Just wait for somebody who may be your future partner and miss some random casual sex that will mean nothing to you in the long run but can ruin your current relationship. I don’t understand this world anymore, sorry.
This is more about your feelings than ours. The fact that you posted here for advice shows it didn’t sit well with you, and that’s perfectly valid. What she did feels wrong to you and will keep feeling that way unless you work to accept it. But if you can’t deal with it, it’s best to move on. To be clear, she didn’t cheat, but her actions aren’t exactly the kind you’d expect from someone ready to settle down. So, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you might want to reconsider. If you’re more into casual dating, she might be the right person for now until you find someone who shares your long-term values.