My husband let’s call him Joe comes from a complicated family life due to his narcissistic and alcoholic dad and a mom who turned a blind eye. The effects of his childhood definitely still affect him to this day. He puts an extreme pressure on himself to be successful and I believe this is subconsciously due to his lack of approval from his dad growing up.
We have been together the last 9 years and overall have a great relationship. We are both successful, have plenty of friends, and genuinely see each other as lovers and best friends.
2-3 years ago we took a trip to Mexico. We stopped by the pharmacy and bought some Xanax as it does not require a script. I was happy to purchase some as I am scared of flying and recently ran out of my Xanax script and was nervous about the flight. We bought one bottle with 60 bars.
I completely forgot about the Xanax when we got home and when I had a panic attack, two months later, I went to find the bottle. There were only 5 bars left. I hadn’t used any.
I was shocked and scared. I confronted my then boyfriend who explained that he is terrified of public speaking and has been taking some Xanax before meetings to calm down and at night to help him sleep. (I think this pressure ties back to his childhood) As someone prescribed daily anxiety medication I was empathetic to him feeling anxiety but the amount of bars in such a short time greatly concerned me.
He promised me he wouldn’t do it again and unfortunately that wasn’t true. I caught him a year later taking bars on a regular basis. He signed up for therapy with someone who specializes in drug use. He refused to admit that he as a problem. I told him if this happens again that he will need professional help.
Last week I heard him go outside to grab a package …which seemed strange. I looked from the window and saw him get in a car. My heart sank. I knew he was buying Xanax. I confronted him when he came inside and made him flush the 5 bars down the toilet. He said he hadn’t done Xanax in a year and that he wanted the medication to take before making his best man speech at a wedding next week.
I get the anxiety and pressure of speeches, but I felt betrayed by the lying and illegal purchase of drugs and I was really hurt by the situation. I made him take a drug test (it came back negative) and it was his “way” of proving he hasn’t been using Xanax since the incident a year ago.
He downplayed the entire situation. Told me I was overreacting and that he doesn’t have a problem. Told me I am the problem for spying and threatening to tell his family. Told me I was just as bad as I had my vices (I do vape which I know isn’t great- but I don’t think these are comparable?) the arguing and the screaming and the gas lighting broke me down and I gave in. I told him fine take a pill for the speech and just quit lying.
Which leads to tonight. I saw a ripped script in the trash and had a feeling it Could be Xanax. I was right. 10 .25 pills. I went to look for the bottle and he had hidden it. When I confronted him, he said that yes he got the script for the speech. I ask why he ripped up the script and why the bottle was hidden if it was that innocent. he told me it was because I don’t respect his privacy. I asked him to prove all 10 pills were still there if this was actually for the wedding and he refused. We got in a huge fight and there appeared to be zero accountability from his end. Instead I am “crazy” and a “bad person” and I’m not allowed to “control him”
I’m now on my sofa and I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting? Does he need help? Can this be resolved without professionals?
I’m so hurt and feel a betrayal of trust. I love my husband but I can’t live a life where Xanax use is downplayed and it is all my fault. Really not sure what to do from here