I've been with my fiancé (36M) for six years, and we've generally had a great life together. He's the most caring person I've ever met—funny, an old-school gentleman, selfless, and adored by everyone.
At the beginning of our relationship, we faced performance anxiety, now mixed with ED, but we've also had some mind-blowing times. Although my self-esteem took multiple hits, I tried to help him without getting mad or frustrated, always focusing on what was good for him.
We tried costumes, sexy lingerie, massage, regular oral for performance anxiety, different pills, or just intimacy without sex. Now the actual sex part is okay… but getting here had a cost, and I have a much higher sex drive.
I know I am to blame too, but our whole balance of pleasure shifted, He became the no.1 priority, and that never changed.
I told him if we can establish other ways to satisfy me, I'm willing to stay … develop some magical oral skills or whatever. But oral felt like a chore for him, he always got frustrated when I tried to guide him and recently I just stopped allowing him. If something still goes south it doesn't matter if we are midway or if I tell him I'm close, he doesn't touch me afterward. I've tried to initiate multiple times, but his enthusiasm disappears, and I become a chore. It feels like he has no joy in giving me any pleasure. I can get off on giving a BJ, but apparently, he's not like that.
I had multiple talks with him if he is really attracted to me, I even pressured him because I didn't believe him. He said yes, and that I am rare because I check his boxes appearance-wise (his theory is that a nice bum, nice boobs, and a nice face never come together). I know for a fact he is not gay. I tried to get him to tell me if he has any kinks, but he said no. ( because I do but you cannot play soft dom/sub or edging with ED so I gave up on that).
Six years later, I'm at my wit's end. I'm really not the type to ask for these things, but I did, and I feel undesired, secondary in the relationship, and not loved. Whatever I tell him or ask from him, it's like talking to a wall. He’s always deeply disappointed in himself when I point it out and looks so lost. It seems like I just can’t get through to him, and I'm out of ideas.
I tried to be a good partner, but at this point, I would give anything for mind-blowing sex where I feel desired, and I can play my kinks freely. We're on a break because I needed to distance myself before my self-esteem took more hits. I'm lost on how, or if, I can make this work. How can I shift the focus back?