I was arguing with a guy friend about this. I (F) don’t want to change my last name when I get married. I then said when I get married and have kids, the kids should have my last name. Why should it automatically be my husbands last name, especially when pregnancy and childbirth are the mothers weight to bear? What would your thoughts on this be?
EDIT: by the way, I am single. I am not asking for advice for a hypothetical husband, I am looking for opinions and was just sharing my viewpoint.
30 comments
What does a healthy relationship look like to someone who is already having these types of discussions?
I believe in my country it is a automatic thing that the child has the mothers surname. I believe if it should be the fathers surname then this is a to request separately.
But, to be honest, because my GF and I are on the same page about having a single family name (not sure if we take hers or mine) I never thought about that for a second.
Also, this sound extremely like something very personally what you should discuss with your partner, doesn’t it?
I wouldn’t really mind, if one day I have kids and my partner wants them to have her last name. Not that it matters because where I’m from people have 2 last names(the first from each parent).
My kids will have my last name and my wife’s last name. That’s what we agreed on.
You could hyphenate. That’s the obvious solution, though it’s less common in the States (assuming that’s where you are). That or he could take your last name (fat chance, I know). One thing to keep in mind is this: The autonomy of both parties in a couple diminishes more and more as you go down the road of marriage, children, et cetera. If you plan to be a family, there’s an argument that the family should have a shared surname across all the members, just for simplicity sake.
I dislike my last name so I wouldn’t mind.
Interesting topic, I instinctively have the opinion that my children will have my last name and not the mothers. I guess this comes down to the culture you’ve grew up around and what is considered normal? Rationally it shouldn’t be an issue children taking the mothers last name instead but I can’t help but think that would be a deal breaker for me as bizarre as that seems
I have a very rare and very ethnic last name that most people cannot pronounce or spell, but if you Google my name I’m the only result and every possible mention of me online pops up. I’ve thought of changing my last name to something more common for multiple reasons. I have considered taking my wife’s name.
I’m the last of my family with my surname (my mother’s maiden name, she had all sisters), but I don’t mind if my name dies with me.
If i ever get married or start a family, I’d hope we could all share our surname, whether that’s mine or his or a hyphenated name.
Do you know why kids get their fathers last name in the first place? Let me explain. You as a mother, know, that your child is yours because you birthed them. Fathers on the other hand let people know that is their kid by giving them their last name. It has been like this for 1000s of years. Also, your kids can have both last names, I have my mother’s and father’s last name.
I have a super common and very boring last name. I wouldnt care unless her last name was even more common than mine.
If I don’t have children that share my last name, my entire family dies off, so I don’t have much of a choice.
I wouldn’t marry a woman that doesn’t gladly accept my last name, I’m also not going to do a hyphenated name too. If she wants to keep her last name that’s fine with me. I’ll just go date a different woman who wants to join my team. There’s plenty of other women out there that would be a solid wife, so I’m not worried about moving onto the next one. This is a core value for me.
In hispanic culture you don’t take each others last name when married. But your kids do.
Example: before marriage ABC would marry XYZ and after marriage they would still be ABC and XYZ. Once they had kids their kids would be GBY or MB-Y. The hyphenated way is optional. The arrangement is (Name, Father’s Paternal Last Name, Mother’s paternal Last name)
Also although you have both of your parents last names, in America you would go by the fathers last name primarily. So if youre kid GBY you would present yourself as GB.
Well if my partner took my last name, but then wanted the kids to have theirs that’d be weird. But if we both kept our own last names then I assume that’s a reasonable request. Though if you have multiple then it would be assumed you alternate who gets what last name
My kids have my last name and my wife kept hers.
Goodluck with that one.
I knew a couple that created a new last name which was a combination of both of theirs and they changed to that when they got married. So that’s also one way to go
In my culture, women don’t take husband’s last name and also as more and more women here tend to work as men nowadays, young people start to talk about kid’s last name as well. The common practice here is that kids will have different surnames. For example, if there are two kids, one is gonna follow the mother’s last name and the other is gonna follows their father’s last name.
I personally think that is a great way but I have talked to my western male friends and they told me western people would think the kids have a broken family in that way? I don’t quite understand and I would wish my future husband don’t assume me and our kids would take his last name automatically.
Keeping your last name is fine when you get married.
However, it is best to have your husband’s last name first and add a hyphen to add your last name also. It shows that the kid belongs to both of y’all.
It would be a dealbreaker for me but it would be known early on in the relationship.
But I also am Christian and only dated Christian women, none of them wanted to keep their last name if we married and had kids. So it was never an issue
My wife was ecstatic about taking my name
Anyways, this should be something you talk about on like the second date. Some guys will really care, some won’t mind at all. But it’s akin to religion imo, bring it up on the first or second date so you know you’re compatabile
Woman here, just sharing an other option/idea.
In my country it is customary to use the father’s last name for the children, although you are free to decide differently. A couple I know both took up each others’ name: the husband the wife’s and the wife the husband’s, so they both have the same hyphenated name and the kids got that as well. So basically they created a family name for themselves.
(Their daughter will have to decide when she gets married about her name and she will have restricted option as you cannot double hyphenate. She will either keep her name, change it to her husband’s or drop one of the names of the hyphenation and hyphenate again or mix it with her husband’s name without hyphenation.)
I would have argued against it with my wife. Not for any personal reason, but in our culture, children have the father’s last name.
Given that, people would assume I’m not their biological father and that can lead to more issues than you’d expect. Hard enough on us fathers being cast as pedophiles without having to explain that I’m their bio dad with regularity.
My grandparents gave their daughters the maternal name as a middle name and the paternal as the surname- that way when she got married her maiden name still has importance and she got to keep both- the boys got the paternal name but mom got the middle names free choice
If she’s the one no problem
In middle east we do not take husband’s names. However kids take father’s name. I always wanted to have a two family name of hyphenated thing for the kids IDK
I think you should concentrate on finding a husband rather than fantasizing about arguments that you could have with one .
Pass. Its a symbolic guarantee of the woman’s fidelity to her husband
Sounds like you want to brand everything as yours. As if you could get rid of the husband without much fuss.
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It’s not automatically anything, you put any name you want on the birth cert. Some people might compromise and have their kids have hyphenated names. It’s a thought. Hell you could both change your last name to a common family name when you get married. Why not?
I’ll start with saying, you are not wrong for what you want. But I would encourage you to include this in a discussion somewhere in the dating phase because for some it can be a deal breaker. Some will care while others will not, but the last thing you likely want is for them to care and you guys are now engaged having this conversation.
Even hyphenated names are a reason for me to bounce from the relationship. My wife, kid, and I have the same last name because we are a family and the name is just one more thing we get to share.
As for the reason why we needed to have my last name is just raised values and traditions–it’s more cultural than anything probably (haven’t thought much about it before TBH).