So I’m like 6’2-6’3ish, about 230 lbs, more on the muscular and big boned side of things, I pretty much look like a skinnier bear. A lot of my friends comment and joke about how big I am (not offensively or anything). I’m taking my next step in life, and I’ll have to be making new friends (and ladyfriends :p). I’m a pretty shy person in nature, and a lot of my friends tell me I’m the nicest friend they have. I feel like my body and my personality are in direct conflict with each other. I can tell when I’m meeting new people that they’re somewhat intimidated by me. It’s almost impossible for me to make friends because I’m too shy to approach, and they’re too intimidated to invite (I think). Idk what to do lol.
45 comments
You’re not that big, dude. You’re overthinking this and making a big deal out of nothing.
Sounds like you should be singing for a metal band.
Metal heads are the nicest people you will ever meet, for real.
Your talking about approachability and yea it can be hard. When a dude is bigger both height, weight and built people will make assumptions about them. Like your dumb, anger issues, probably a little self absorbed, care way to much about your appearance, great with sex, probably had a picture of arnold in your room etc. Its just what humans do with everthing.
The way you get past that is break the mold. Like if you look mean, have like a funny beard to counter this or a funny hairstyle. Or wear something super stupid (if your into nerdy shit star trek is my go to), or when introducing to someone make a really corny joke you get the idea. Essentially do what the type they think of you as and do the opposite.
Throw them off by speaking French!
You will score a lot of points with this, I have a friend just like you and I adore the guy. Girls think he is really cute too. I would say rock what you are you seem like a cool dude
You’re what we affectionately call a teddy bear. Stop overthinking it and just be who you are.
You sound like a lovely person!
Maybe try smiling a little more? Not in an unnatural creepy way ofc, but when you randomly make eye contact with someone for example?
I’m shy too and rarely take the first step with new people, but I feel way less anxious and intimidated if they smile. Makes you seem more approachable 🙂
Or maybe try wearing t-shirts with silly puns on them or something?? (Weird advice I know but it might work??)
You can make yourself more approachable by smiling more. Make sure your body language is confident so it doesn’t look like you don’t want to be bothered. Stand/sit straight, make eye contact, don’t fidget too much. Say a quick hello in passing if someone seems interested and see what happens.
My husband has the same experience! He’s 6’4 and 290 pounds, broad shoulders. Shaggy hair and big beard. Everyone expects him to come out with a really low slow voice like a giant or something. Turns out he’s just the sweetest guy, and a nurse! Patients talk to him on the phone and then see him in person and can’t compute they’re the same person. It’s funny.
S m i l e
Look at it as a strength. Guys your size don’t usually come like you, so it’ll literally be an advantage. Especially to those lady friends. The right woman will love the oversized teddy bear you are I promise!
I feel you, but if it helps I feel like it’s an intriguing clash to have. When I meet people with this problem I’m always more interested to learn more about them lol
I know rhe feeling..all my life I’ve been told I look like the playboy type and I couldn’t be any better at being a casanova.
You have same issue as me. Not far off the same size I’m about 30lb heavier but 6’2-3 and I often get told I’m really cuddly and gentle giant by people that get to know me but no one talks to me first
Anyone that sees size and runs alway aren’t worth your time anyways. They’ve judged you before knowing you and that’s their loss
I think it can work to your advantage. Be polite, and go out of your way to ensure your female friends (and heck, make friends too!) feel safe (do they need a walk to their car if it’s late, etc). There is a stereotype you fit, including with the grumpy face! You can try to soften the impression with what you carry – do you have a picture of a cat as your phone background, are you reading a funny / accessible book? Do you have a cute keychain on your keys? I’ve been friends with plenty of tall, grumpy looking giants (I’m a 5’5 female). Good luck on taking the next step in your life journey!
Own it, don’t be afraid of telling people you are shy and stuff. I get intimidated by big Bear people until they make it obvious they have a great heart on the inside then i love them to death. Honest, vulnerable, kind big Bear people are the best
I heard something recently that has helped me a lot – “all you can do is just be your most authentic self and be open to any connections that may form” — I naturally come off cold so sometimes I try to up the smiles and friendliness, which in turn makes me feel uncomfortable. Since deciding to just be myself I find myself more available to really make friends. If that makes sense?
Be yourself dude. Don’t worry about what other people think. Body language is a big thing too, so smile and say just say hey 🙂
Get a small adorable dog and/or be seen playing with kittens, maybe volunteer at a shelter?
Seeing a big ‘scary’ dude care for tiny creatures can reset initial perceptions 🙂
You sound like my partner. He’s a big burly bear who I got the wrong first impression of because of his size and good looks. He’s a sensitive, sweet and shy bloke. Once he relaxes and opens up he’s very funny and confident! Just smile so people know you’re friendly, and be yourself. People will soon get to know how lovely you are 🙂
Probably the absolute simplest way to address this would be to make your style of dress as soft and inviting as possible. Soft textures, bright/warm/pastel colors, certain graphic tees (like the “introverted but willing to discuss plants” tee).
If you have some kind of an office or cubicle of your own, get a plant (demonstrates nurturing–pothos plants are easy if you’re not familiar) and/or a candy bowl with individually wrapped candies (invites people to come talk to you).
These aren’t the only way and they come with some drawbacks but they’re really easy and fast. As you form more connections and get a little more confidence, you might not need them.
Its like one of the best possible mix of personality/looks you can have as a man
I get told I look like a sweet bookworm (5’0 and middle schooler physique) but I’m very sarcastic and blunt so it throws people off.
I think your contrast is cute though. I would love to meet more people like that, more refreshing lol
I have the same experience but I’m only 5’7″, I just look rough and angry. I found the best thing is just be friendly whenever I can. I struggle because I think I also have/had autism but I do my best.
Big guys with a soft personality who wouldn’t hurt a fly are totally my type (one of my types). And I bet a lot of other women feel the same way. You’re good if you let that personality shine through. 🙂
Simply smile when meeting people, especially for the first time. First impressions last.
Be yourself. The initial stereotyping will never end, just understand that. Others will quickly see you not as the imposing figure, but as a reserved nice guy. Also consider perhaps you lean toward introverted, sometimes confusing that with shyness. As you gain experience and self confidence, the shyness will go away mostly.
Same here, 6’4″, 220 lbs, quite athletic, except I am bald on top of that which gives me even more dominant look I guess. I am struggling a bit with social anxiety and loneliness and I have this impression that people are a bit dissapointed when they realize my attitude doesn’t match their expectations. Might be though I am putting to much pressure on myself.
You can try to offset your intimidating air by wearing something cute! Maybe get some Disney merch or something, a Pokemon backpack, something like that!
You will continually surprise people who expect you to be an aggressive meathead, by being kind, gentle, helpful, and respectful. Be genuinely interested in people and look out for opportunities to help them, including using your physical capability to help them.
I’d choose that over my 5’6 skinny ass
We all love gentle giants. It’s the best surprise ever when you meet one. 🙂
Embrace the bear/protector archetype.
I knew someone like that in college that played defensive linebacker in college football. He was huge but a social butterfly because he just wanted everyone to feel good about themselves and feel safe around him. He’d pull out a football or frisbee and ask people to join him. He never made fun of or criticized people—he didn’t want to be the bully—but he’d be goofy and joke about things.
I barely got to know him because there’s a thousand people you have to get to know in college, and yet he’s one of the few I remember. Use your size as an asset to channel your personality and intention. Make people feel safe and embraced.
Don’t say it, but have the intention of, “Hey, you want to be part of my team for this social event?”
Everybody loves a big tree with shade.
My partner is exactly this! Please don’t worry, women are super into it. Big and mean? Scary asshole. Small and mean? Evil goblin. Any size of nice person? Score. Gentle giant? Jackpot (I don’t speak for all women but this is probably gonna be the general consensus)
Adopt a chihuahua and carry him around wherever you go lol.
You aren’t even big. 230 at 6’3 is like the perfect man. Smile and slowly open up more to people at your own pace, you really have a lot going for you in terms of looks so don’t worry about that and you sound like a great person so therefore you’re in a great place to meet people just work on being more and more comfortable with you
Let me send hugs your way
Don’t make the mistake of confining yourself to a box. Don’t think you have to appear, act, talk, think, or have certain interests because it won’t “fit” with who you are. Each human is beautifully complex and multidimensional and it would be a shame for you to miss out on certain facets of your life only because we are socialized in society to “make sense” by being consistent. Be a fucking beautiful paradox. All the best to you 🙂
I totally feel you.
I’m like 198cm (6’5-6’6ish I think), 100kg (220lbs) not rlly into sports and I’m one of the shyest persons there are.
The only difference between you and me is that I don’t have friends that I’m good enough with that could tell me I’m nice.
But I know people like me and they tend to be the teddybear. I’ve never been a teddybear but maybe you can be one 🙂
Goodluck out there mate 🖖
Don’t just accept the way you are, change it. If people are intimidated, you show them you’re not intimdating. If you’re shy, work on being extroverted. If you’re meeting people and your immediate response is to be shy, take a pause. Don’t be shy, or extraverted, just pause and take stock of your inclination. Then after that pause you should act. Pausing goes for this and anything else.. the only choice we have in life is to be reactive or proactive.
Honestly all the things you’ve said about yourself make me wanna be your friend! Just be yourself. Also if you have the chance to volunteer somewhere, try that. Volunteering is a great way for everyone, but especially shy people, to meet people without pressured
I’m 6’4” and float around 250-270 and have been involved with powerlifting and martial arts my whole adult life. I’m also soft spoken, socially awkward and introverted. You’re just a gentle giant, and trust me, the right kind of ladies like it.
**Honesty:**
You have to teach yourself to smile more and then you have to learn how to approach.
For YEARS men thought at first site I would be mean. The way you have been now has to change and your in a place in your life that you need to start taking small steps and action in order to give yourself a better quality of life.
**My experience of what I been going through:**
I smile more and then I approach. Trust me single for years now and it’s because…with friends and people who know me. Your funny, your so kind, thoughtful, I like your honesty, and I can trust you. Yet….I am alone. It’s because I was purposely putting up a shield to protect myself.
**To fix this…** I had to make a personal choice in my life and realized how short amount of time I have. ( both parents died at 60 sad/divorced). So I realized that I have no one being the way that I am currently. So I started to read up on the subject and also forced myself to start doing things. I read up on how to flirt, how tell/show a guy I like him, and just starting up random questions with total strangers. I used this to to help make friends. I joined groups/clubs to try an meet people. ( covid has not really helped me and made me isolated again but I do hope to again get out/be around people). Online dating I am very confident woman and ask men out all the time because I know they are single but out in the real world…I shy away. I don’t act shy but when it comes to men…shy. I had a hard time approaching or talking to them but men I had 0 interest in chat them up like crazy.
It hasn’t been easy, I have tried several groups and didn’t click with anyone. But I did managed to find one group a year a go and slowly I am kind of making friends.
**Don’t give up and keep on trying:**
It’s going to take some time but you have to remember to keep on trying and don’t give up. Change your strategy and try new things. Try things that you have an interest in and see if you like it. Go a few times and if it doesn’t work out then try something else. I always try to go back more than once because the first try is always the most awkward. Trying to get the courage now to drive to a new place and join another group. It’s been a few years since I tried but I am going to do it again and who knows meet someone. Also remind yourself that other men are dealing with this same exact issue your dealing with.
Sadly your not special in this way, lots of men are afraid to chat with women because they are afraid they might come off wrong but if you read up on the subject their are place and ways to approach a woman in a way that makes her smile at you and will want to talk you. It’s about timing and place. Same for me if I talk to a guy if he’s in a bad mood I wont talk to him. You need to learn body language.
**Example Nervous guy:**
I noticed a new guy come into our large group. We made eye contact a few times and then he just came over and sat behind me. When it came time for to talk to each other but new members, I turned to him and started to talk to him. Asked him what brought him in and what he collect? What field trips was he interested in doing? I gave him some advice but then we talked more about other stuff too. I could tell he was nervous and I didn’t want him to be scared off or be ignored. I also gave him space. I talked to him a bit dropped that I be at a few other events too. So he would know someone the next time he came to the group/club. Nothing will come of this and he most likely leave the group. Most single men don’t do groups. They tend to want to get on their own. Something I have notice over the years. The main goal was just to chat with him and be friendly/ helpful. I did it and yeah I was scared a little but from my past I would of not talked to him. So for me…it felt nice to be brave. He also relaxed more and smiled.
So remember when you do something out of your comfort zone to tell yourself good job.
I am also older now and being alone isn’t really bad to me anymore. Try just working on conversation and gaining trust around the people your around. Visualize the person you want to project and be to the people around you. When you feel that shaky fear— you need to remind yourself with time it will pass. Each person is different and if you get rejected you need to tell yourself someone else will like me. I have had to think that when getting dumped before and it does work. I have had men like me for things other men didn’t. I want to share in a life/ make it brighter, not drain it.
Remember to smile and treat other as if they were your best friend. People are more willing to loosen up around someone who just friendly/helpful.
Best of luck to you and hope you do some growing for yourself and that it has a positive outcome for you.
My boy is 6’5″ and husky. He was a youth camp counselor throughout High School. It was hilarious to go to the Youth Fair in late summer. I’d see adult making space for him and avoiding his eyes. … until the first kid he had counseled saw him. Shortly after his name was yelled he became a jungle gym for most a dozen kids. You could see everyone else relax.
It can help to make some of your interests obvious – a patch, carry a book, a scarf in Harry Potter colors……something someone else can comment on if they share that interest.
Like others have said – being seen in company with babies / children and with the elderly immediately challenges the scary muscle man stereotype. Animals can help too.
Good luck!
Honestly those personalities are the cutest. We love teddy bear men!! Also I think having something ‘cute’ near you will help with if you seem too intimidating. I hope you meet lots of people! ☺️