My husband (28M) and I (28F) have been together for six years, married for four, and we have a 2.5 year old son. About 1.5 years ago, when my husband was at work, I was driving to an afternoon pilates class with our son when a drunk driver crashed into my car. It was a miracle that my son and I both survived. I was in a coma for a week and our son miraculously escaped without a single scratch. Doctors weren’t sure if I would ever make a full recovery. It took close to a year in total but I was able to. I also had to do some therapy to process and move past the trauma of the accident. Having him as my support system was amazing and I got to fall even deeper in love with him seeing him take such wonderful care of our son and I. At the same time, I can’t imagine how my husband must have felt during this time and it breaks my heart how strong he had to be for our family. He was there for me this whole time but who was there for him? I have tried to get him to open up about how he felt during those months of uncertainty but he always shuts these conversations down or changes the topic.
Since before we started dating, my husband has been big into journaling to compile and work through his thoughts. I know this was invading his privacy but I needed to know how he felt so I can help him now work through whatever he was going through at the time so I read his diary. I’ve never done this before and decided this would be the only time. I wish I never did. I read about how much he prayed every day that I would be okay and how thankful he was that our son was okay. I also read everything he wanted to do to the drunk driver – torture him, kidnap his children, rape and kill his wife in front of him, and more. The detail with which he described these desires was sickening. I just have this deep sense of regret for reading his diary and I was better off not knowing. He has shown me time and time again how much he loves and adores me and now, I can’t even look him in the eye. I love him so much but I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to believe that he was struggling mentally with the thought of losing me and wanted to punish the person who hurt me but if I had passed away, what would he have done?
I understand that this is such a niche situation and most people have never gone through something similar but I would appreciate any advice about how I moved forward with my husband.