TL;DR not sure how to draw boundaries without being controlling.
My boyfriend and I have been doing long-distance for two years now. He recently (half a year or so) reconnected with an old friend (who also lives in another country), whom he's admitted he finds very attractive. I in general think it's important for guys to have female friends, but their dynamic is starting to make me uncomfortable. They used to send each other upwards 70 messages a day on two separate platforms, and although my boyfriend says they're "boring, shallow conversations," I've mentioned to him that it makes me uncomfortable that he's messaging another (attractive) girl this much, especially since it reminds me of how much we used to message each other before we started dating. He has since then agreed to "try to kill the conversation," and they're sending about 30 messages every other day or so. I do appreciate him listening to my concerns, but this also gives me quite some mixed feelings since (1) I know he doesn't message any other friend this much, and (2) I'd hate to bring this up to him again and blur the line between "communicating boundaries" and straight-up "controlling."
I hate being upset over this, especially since I trust him and don't want to limit him from keeping in touch with his friends, but honestly I think a big part of it also boils down to that I'm self-conscious of how much more in common they have over him and I. I've also asked to meet the friend so that I can get to know her better and stop worrying, but he's refused and said that she wouldn't like me because our personalities wouldn't mesh (slight ouch). What also makes me upset is that my boyfriend and I both have busy schedules, so visits are difficult and limited. The friend, however, has a flexible schedule and is visiting and staying with my boyfriend at the moment for the second time these past two months. Furthermore, she has a place in a country my boyfriend and I have both wanted to visit, and she has invited him to visit her sometime later this year. Jealousy aside, I'm upset because we've wanted to travel there together since we first started dating, and he doesn't want to ask if I can come along since "it would be weird" and she doesn't know me that well (fair enough). I told him that I'm fine with him going with her, since I don't want to prevent him from cool trips, but I do feel uncomfortable that he spends as much time with this friend as he spends with me, even though we all live in different places.
I trust my boyfriend, but I feel insecure about his attractive female friend that he messages a lot and seems to see as much as me. I don't want to be controlling, but I'm not sure where to draw the line between "enforcing my boundaries" and "need to sort out my own insecurities." Any feedback/advice is appreciated, thanks. 🙂