Long, but any advice would be appreciated.
My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have been together now on and off for just over 2 years. We have not lived together during this time and have been living with roommates. Our relationship has been – to say the least – up and down. My opinion is that this has mostly been down to his behaviour. His moods have in the past been really unpredictable and at times he could be really nasty to me. He used to break up with me for about a day at least once a month when I did something he didn’t like (ie said I thought he might be experiencing anxiety/didn’t drive him home when he asked because I had an early start the next day/ spent the weekend away occasionally visiting friends). He would get really angry with me over small things, talk down to me and generally treat me really badly.
I broke up with him for 6 months over all of the above about 10 months ago. When I broke up with him, he told me he is addicted to drugs which I had no idea about. I knew he did drugs occasionally recreationally with friends, but turns out it was 3-4 times a week (I have never done drugs and didn’t know the warning signs). We started talking again about 4 months ago, and he said he was off drugs now, and that this was the cause of his behaviour, and he finally took some accountability. I decided to give our relationship another chance at this point.
Over the last 4 months however, I could see he was still using (he denied/minimised this). His behaviour was becoming moody and erratic again. He was sleeping all hours of the day and going out for 48 hours at a time. He was getting mad at me again for little things and completely lost it when I mentioned his drug use. His apartment was a complete mess – trash piled up, dirt everywhere, sheets never cleaned, all round inhabitable. I cleaned his apartment for him a couple of times just to help him out. It’s been so hard to watch him spiral so much and I tried everything I could to help him. Begged him to get professional help (he wouldn’t and still won’t)
A month ago, he nearly OD’d which he said scared the shit out of him. He finally told his mom about his drug use (I was the only one that knew) and admitted to me how bad it got again. He’s managed to stay off them since then, and seems to be doing a lot better. He’s being more calm, happy, basically being a functional human being. This is great but I know with addiction, it isn’t that simple and there is a high chance of relapse at this point especially since he’s still refusing professional help and says he can do this on his own.
During our breakup, I had agreed to move in with my sister once my previous tenancy ended with my roommate. My sister and I are currently still looking for an apartment (both living with our parents while we look), and are planning to sign a 12 month lease once we find a place. However now he’s really really mad that I’m still going ahead with this plan to move in with my sister and not with him (I had never agreed to move in with him). He says he is struggling with finances and needs me to contribute towards his bills and rent. I have said that I won’t bail on the commitment I made to my sister and after the year, we can live together. He said I always put everyone else above him and I should pull out of the agreement. I was honest with him and said aside from the above, I don’t feel comfortable living with him until he’s been stable for a fair while. I don’t want my home to be a possible source of chaos and stress and while he’s doing good now, it’s only been a month. He is really, really angry about this. He says I’m not supporting him and don’t believe he will stay clean and what’s the point of us being together if we don’t live together. He said that it’s ridiculous I want to live with my sister over my boyfriend and any normal girlfriend would never choose that. He said that it’s taking too long for me and my sister to find an apartment, and this just puts off us living together.
I get we have been together 2 years on and off, but the whole time has been such a rollercoaster I just don’t feel comfortable living with him until he has shown consistency. I feel like a year living separately while he works on his issues would be good for us.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Is he right? Am I being unreasonable/unfair?
TL;DR! – boyfriend (29M) wants me (29F) to move in with him, but he’s one month sober and has treated me badly in the past and I’m not ready yet. He says there’s no point in us being together because of this. Any advice would be helpful.