My bf and I have been together for almost a year. There are a lot of great things that drew me to him–empathy, kindness, shared hobbies, positive attitude, etc. As we've gone on dates, I've noticed that he just doesn't care about what he wears and hardly gets ready in the morning. He never brushed or trimmed his hair and it's grown longer than mine. It's started to look like a rats nest. He also does not have very good oral hygiene and hadn't gone to the dentist for years (He lied to me about how long it had been). He will wear old, wrinkled clothes with holes in them. His apartment is kind of messy and stinks. I've tried gently hinting at it and would ask if he wants to get ready with me. I bought him a hairbrush because he literally does not own one and asked him to put deodorant on before getting in bed (the armpit sweat has stained my comforter).
My sister's wedding is coming up and I've expressed that I've put a lot of effort into this and would mean a lot to me if he cut a few inches off his hair. I showed him some cuts I thought would look really good and offered to style it. I'm a pretty natural girl and never wear makeup or shave my legs but I put a lot of maintenance into my curly hair and having good hygiene. I am going all out and spending a lot on my appearance for this wedding. I've told him how I'm worried my sister will react to me not shaving my legs (it's very faint and can hardly be seen). He told me asking him to get a haircut and my sister asking me to shave my legs is "the same fucking thing". I've expressed to him many times that I like long hair and love his waves. I never expected him to cut it short, just manage it.
I've also noticed that he's been more moody with me and it makes me feel bad.
Me: "Did you see my shoes?" Him: "I just told you, they are in the back."
I told him my roommate didn't want us using metal on her pans. I saw him using metal and thought she was in earshot so I looked at him and didn't say anything (I didn't want to cause more drama with her) so I just gave him something else to use. Him: "What am I doing wrong? Ok, fine, YOU do it then." Me: "Hey I don't like it when you snap at me like that." Him: "Well you're looking at me like it's obvious and I'm stupid."
I showed him some old metal I used to listen to, "This kind of music is stupid".
Me:"Hey we've been in the sun a lot today are you sure you don't want sunscreen?"
Him aggressively: "If you remind me one more time I'm gonna get mad." and then got horrendously sunburnt and embarrassed.
Sometimes he will apologize later on his own but other times I will tell him how it made me feel and he will say sorry. I asked him if there is anything I'm doing that makes him feel or respond that way, "No, I'm just being moody."
The other day we had been practicing a song together to perform at an open mic night. I was really nervous and kept messing up a part. I could tell he was getting impatient with me. I paused mid-song to collect myself and he said something like "Stopping like that is gonna look stupid, you gotta keep going." It triggered me pretty bad. I really shut down. I told him I was too upset to do this anymore and we went home. He apologized but said "I didn't say "you'll" sound stupid, I said "it'll" sound stupid. If anything, I said "bad" not stupid. I would never call you stupid. But I was impatient and I'm sorry. I won't use the word "stupid" again." I also apologized because I did feel as if I overreacted to an extent. I acknowledged that I was triggered and reacted more strongly than I normally would have but I still voiced my concern.
I have tried discussing with him multiple times that his moodiness and impatience makes me upset and why it keeps happening. "I don't want to be mean and tell you to grow thicker skin and stop being sensitive but I don't know what to do. I'm sorry, I'll just have to be more careful."
He told me he was feeling criticized when I was giving hints about brushing his hair or flossing his teeth. Me: "I'm really sorry, I never meant anything as criticism or an attack. It just makes me not feel very special when you don't put in effort for me on dates. I'd like both of us to dress for nice for each other." Him: "Do you not know how to apologize and take accountability? I never meant anything personally either. You're turning this on me again. I brought up my concern and now I have to go clothes shopping and style my hair? I'm baffled. That's a really silly thing to bring up. I tell you all the time how pretty you look and how I've liked your natural look! I didn't realize you were slaving away on your looks. I didn't think we were doing that. That really hurt my feelings." I felt awful. I acknowledged it, apologized, and told him I'd do better. He reluctantly agreed to start taking better care of himself. The conversation ended well but I'm having after thoughts. I'm confused on how to communicate going forward.
I've been sitting on this for a couple days and I've been so anxious. Am I expecting too much? Am I being sensitive? It's making me feel crazy.
TLDR
Bf doesn't brush or cut his long hair and it's looking like a rats nest. He wears old, wrinkled clothes on our dates and his apartment stinks. My sister's wedding is coming up and I told him it would mean a lot if he cut a few inches off. He told me he feels criticized for hinting at him to brush his hair and floss his teeth. "I tell you all the time how pretty you look." He also told me it'll sound stupid if I mess up a song in front of an audience. "I don't want to sound mean and tell you to grow thicker skin but idk what to do," when I tell him I'm upset with him for being impatient and snapping at me.