Quick update
Didn’t expect that this post would get this many comments. Thanks all for taking your time to share your opinions. I’m processing what you all said. I do acknowledge that I didn’t enforce my boundaries hard enough, and changing my mind to staying overnight/agreeing to that from 15 minutes could‘ve sent him a mixed signal. I did leave his place a bit confused about what happened overnight, and although I wasn’t feeling uncomfortable enough to wanna leave during the night, I guess I was feeling uncomfortable enough to wanna ask what you all think. The guy and I didn’t talk about when to see each other again. If we do, I will bring this up and see how he reacts. For now, I’m still processing this, and if we don’t meet again, it’d be easier for me. And I should remember how I felt as I was leaving his place and not make the same mistake. Again, thank you all for your comments.
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38M and 31F, and we were on our second date. We had dinner and drinks near his place, I was gonna say good night after walking him home and grab a cab there to my place. He insisted/suggested spending 15 mins at his place before I go home. I ended up spending the night there, no sex, but I’m not sure whether I missed reg flags or not.
We had a good kiss at the end of the first date, which was just a minute but INTENSE, and again on the second date while walking him home, which was about the same. I liked him enough to agree on going up because well I like cuddling, and thought a little make out wouldn’t hurt. So we agreed on just 15 mins and no sex. It was chill out, so he got me a tea (another reason I agreed on going up), and when he put a blanket on me to help me get warm, I almost fell asleep. Being full and tipsy, the tea, and blanket, the combination of these got me really comfortable at his place. He took me to the bedroom, saying sleep comfortably, and that he won’t do anything (???). So we cuddled in the bed.
For the first half an hour or so, he struggled as he wanted to get physical. His kisses were so intense it felt like we were a few seconds away from taking clothes off. So I had to stop him a couple of times. While we were spooning, he kissed my ear and neck, knowing it’ll turn me on (I’m super sensitive), and his hands were running through my body. He went on top of me during some kisses, and we were really close to it. He did stop when I stopped him and told him to lie down, slow down, etc. I did not mean to tease him, but I had told him no sex from the beginning. He said no sex, too, but I guess not everyone says things they mean… It seemed difficult for him not to make a move while we were cuddling because… not sure, but he had his boner pretty much the whole time until we finally fell asleep. At some point, he put my hand on him, I asked him if I should go so he could take care of it and sleep, because it ain’t gonna happen with me. He said no I should stay and that he’d like to sleep with me that night. Then he added that he didn’t mean sex, although he would love to have sex with me, he would like it slow, if it was just a hook up that he wanted, it’s not difficult to find someone for it, etc. he kind of lost it after saying that he wants to sleep with me lol it was cute, none of this offended me.
I could’ve had sex with him. I liked him. But I wasn’t sure about it nor him. He wasn’t a threat or anything, so I stayed till the morning. I got up early because I slept not the most comfortable way (clothes, makeup, and whatnot), and he pulled me back to the bed every chance he got. So we cuddled and fell asleep, again and again. I eventually left in the morning, thinking I was supposed to spend just 15 mins here. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it. No one forced me to stay over. But that 15-min he said became overnight, and no sex he said well, we would’ve had it before and after sleeping if I hadn’t stopped him. It kind of felt like he does this with women often as well. Is this a red flag? Or am I over reacting?
33 comments
He definitely just wanted sex
Yeah he wants sex. And he’s probably going to try and push it again next time.
The only one I think is exhibiting close to red flag behavior is you. You’re saying one thing and your actions say another thing. It’d be confusing to anyone. I’d suggest not sleeping in his bed and making out with him in that bed while sleeping over until you’re comfortable with escalating. There’s plenty of time to sleep over in the same bed. Don’t do it, fool around with him, and then get worried it’s a red flag.
He definitely just wanted sex.
Any guy that physically puts your hand on him to me, is a guy who is focused on sex. I literally had the same exact experience as you (minus the tea). After two months and finally having sex, it was pretty apparent that was his main focus. I ended it
Yes, he wanted to have sex. It’s hard to say what you wanted because your behavior is very confusing and giving mixed messages.
If no sex on a second date is your boundary, it’s up to you to have barriers in place so that is less likely that one thing doesn’t lead to another. Choose to not spend the night and to not sleep in his bed because one thing can lead to another.
I don’t see how whether he has sex with other women on the second date is relevant to your second date with him.
You set boundaries and he kept pushing you to break them, and some you did. That’s definitely a red flag and a deal breaker. He doesn’t respect you
This man was 1000% expecting to get you to sleep with him and is probably very upset that it didn’t happen. No guy invites a woman to his place “for 15 minutes”. Yea, ok.
“I guess not everyone says things they mean”
You should have done what you two agreed upon: 15 minutes. I’d say that’s equally your responsibility to uphold.
But, beyond that, woman to woman, at age 30-something…if a man asks you back to his place it’s not a big mystery. Personally, I wouldn’t classify a man trying to sleep with you as a red flag.
I think as a 30-something, woman, you’ve got to have the wherewithal to understand your own boundaries and be able to set them…particularly with men. I’d advocate that for every single woman. If you don’t want to go home with him, don’t. Stick to your guns, and be able to follow through with actions on the words that you speak.
Look, I understand that men sometimes take advantage of us, women, but this situation doesn’t read this way to me. I’m unsurprised he didn’t adhere to the 15 minute agreement you had.
Having integrity suggests that your words and actions are aligned – that’s the target.
I don’t see how so many are blaming the guy straight up here. Saying no sex is one thing, but cuddling, kissing and getting hot and steamy is a fast track to sex. Both parties agreed to no sex but both parties put themselves in the position to where sex was almost expected with their actions.
If it truly was just about sex he would’ve told you to leave when you asked
🚩🚩🚩
This is a tough one…
There are a lot of things to consider here
This is my first point..maybe he didn’t want to have sex at first but…he’s older…I don’t know how long he’s been single and maybe you’re super hot so it was hard for him to resist lol
Second alcohol plays a HUGE factor!! Want to meet the real person be sober.
Glad to hear your set your boundaries and he didn’t push too hard and it get weird or worse.
Sounds to me like a squirrel trying to find a nut…
Trust your intuition…and as you write at the end of the post, it’s speaking to you! Listen!!
2 things can be true. He can definitely want to have sex with you (he obviously wants to have sex) AND he can like you and want to pursue a relationship with you (that one remains to be seen). Someone wanting sex does not mean they don’t ALSO want a relationship.
As for it being a red flag? Idk he seemed a little *too* pushy to me personally. But you also seemed to reciprocate and enjoy it. I wasn’t there, did you feel uncomfortable? Did you feel pressured? Did he respect your “no”? It doesn’t sound like he respected your boundaries, and for me at least, a guy moving my hand to his crotch is an automatic turn off, but again, I’m not you.
If you are comfortable with how the night went, then see him again. If you are NOT comfortable with how it went, then don’t.
The fact that he tried multiple times after you clearly stated there would be no sex, shows he doesn’t respect you, or at least for anything more than sex at this point.
he sounds like a horrible guy i dated for a month who was definitely lovebombing me and i think had a legit personality disorder. i could never fucking leave his house because he would keep pulling me back to kiss me over and over and over and he was constantly pushing my boundaries and despite many conversations where he apologized and said he would go slower he never changed his behavior a damn bit
this guy has already violated what he told you he would do and pushed boundaries, he is not safe, i would get out as of yesterday
I mean, it takes two to tango, so if you didn’t want anything at all then you shouldn’t go to his place. Unless he really pushed you to do anything you don’t want to.
I’d say you both have red flags there. 1. You set a boundary and didn’t follow it. Don’t do that. If you set boundaries for yourself and others, enforce them. 2. He ignored your set of boundaries more than once after they had been established because of his “ desire” that’s called weakness. Takeaways from your story, A. He doesn’t care about your boundaries. B. Why should he, based on your actions you don’t either.
OP you sound naive as fuck. You kept going along with his attempts then stopping him, and somehow seem to think things just got hot and steamy. Well no, he wanted to fuck from date one which is why date two was right next to his house. Who invites someone in for a mere fifteen minutes? Someone who doesn’t mean it, and is going to use it to initiate sex. He tried so bloody hard and yes he crossed boundaries. Thank God he didn’t turn out to be a rapist. Please be careful in future.
I’m not trying to excuse his actions because he sounds very pushy and ignored your stated boundaries, but something I learned in college is do not get into bed with a guy and then expect him to NOT make a move. I understand consent and getting into bed doesn’t give him the right, but it sort of sends mixed messages.
You say he insisted you come up, but where’s your agency in this and how you got into his apartment if that wasn’t your wish? I’m not blaming you in any way, this sounds very much like me in my younger days when I had poor boundaries.
The fact that you’re asking us if it’s a red flag signals that it probably made you uncomfortable (I would have been too). Depends what you’re looking for but this guy’s main priority was clearly getting laid. Trust actions, not words.
I don’t see a red flag here.
You’re really going to have work on strengthening your boundaries. Reading that I got the impression you didn’t want to go up, even for 15 minutes. Let yourself be the ‘bad guy’ ie drop the people pleasing and say ‘that’s not for me tonight but hopefully in time another night’. Something light but firm. Guys like this guy will always push for sex and it’s up to us ladies who don’t want to to say no, loud and clear where he gets the message if he pushes more he’ll loose attraction in your eyes. So my best advice is work on being self assured in putting boundaries down with men, then situations like this won’t come about
I don’t see any red flags either.. I think you’re expecting too much from a date if you think being naked in his bed and him not at least attempt to want more. He didn’t force himself on you, that would be a different story. Also just because he tried to have sex with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t want more.
Mmmm at first while reading this I was like… Ok that’s cute, he wants to take care of you.
But then with his comments about hooking up and pushing things…idk.
As a guy, I’ve been in his situation before. No Sex means no sex and Id never try to keep someone from going home if they need to leave. Nor have I ever felt the need to explain myself using comments about hookups.
Cuddles and kisses would have been the line and I would make it a point that they get home safe.
So. Red Flag? Yeah probably.
Bad enough to ditch him? Maybe not. Tell him you’re not mad, but he pushed things too far too soon. If he reacts poorly then you’ll know what to do… At least that’s what I’d do in your situation. (And yeah, I’ve been in your situation before too.)
People like sex. Men especially. Try before you buy is a thing as well. Don’t want to get emotionally involved with someone then the sex sucks. You weren’t forced to stay there and could leave at anytime. You also had a good time and are obviously attracted. Stop overthinking things. Be glad he’s in his 30’s and is still good to go. Stop putting sex on a pedestal and honestly, grow tf up.
I always recommend not sleeping over or even coming to a guy’s house in the early stages unless you’re comfortable. Just from my dating experience, I’ve seen that there is a bigger chance of a guy trying to go that route. If you did decide to go in, request the Uber and leave asap. I don’t like that he kept trying when you said no, that’s a huge turn off and more of a reason to have a open conversation if you decide to see him again
OP, you’re a grown woman. You and only you can dictate what are red flags for you. You stated what you would and wouldn’t do, and then did the opposite. If you enjoyed yourself, if you liked the heavy petting, then there shouldn’t be a problem, right? You don’t have to be a passive participant in your own sex life. He pushed boundaries but you also let him; you stated only 15 minutes then stayed longer, told him you wanted to go home but all it took was a “no come back to beddd” for you to go against your own stated preferences. And now you are asking whether you should be ok with that. This displays a pattern of not knowing your own boundaries, not having the ability to enforce them, and deferring to other people’s desires and opinions to the exclusion of your own.
Tbh I wouldn’t go out with him again. You said no numerous times and he tried to push a boundary of yours to please himself. If he tries to push this boundary so early on then what other boundaries will he push later on?
You said *no sex* like eight times, and he put your hand on his dick. That’s not a red flag, it’s an actual crime. I’m glad you aren’t feeling hurt but his behavior sucks.
I’ve been in situations like this where my rational mind tells me to wait and my anxious attachment mind and my emotional/physiological mind/body wants to have sex. Dialogue ends up like “yeah, we should wait” “yeah we should.” I’ve left when it’s gotten confusing and have said, “wait this is getting confusing for me, you said you wanted to wait but you’re going under my shirt,” I’ve had to literally kick (playfully) someone out of my apartment, I’ve had a night like this where the person was visibly so horny they had a hard time sleeping, etc. I’ve had nights where I have slept poorly because I’m not comfortable with the person yet. Just a whole lot of unnecessary stuff. In these situations, it doesn’t feel like I’ve been violated in any way, and I feel like the other person also has the same thing going on (wants to wait but here we are on top of each other and attracted to each other, etc). I think the ambivalence often can go both ways. It’s tough. With that said, my boundaries are a lot more strict now and I just avoid going over to anyone’s house or inviting them for the first few dates in order to avoid this and because it takes time to get to know someone, and I’m so much more careful now in protecting my heart.
I also don’t think it means the person just wants to have sex and not a relationship all of the time. These two things are not mutually exclusive. I’ve learned to be vocal if something is feeling like a potential hookup situation and I’m usually met with a “oh god, no, sorry if it feels that way. I was just lonely tonight. Do you want to dinner sometime this week?” I think after a while you get better at reading these situations. With that said, there are manipulative people out there who will go to extremes to just use someone for sex when the other person tells them they are interested in a relationship. These people exist. I’ve met a few of them. I’ve gotten so good at picking up on this that they don’t make it past the first date or even get a date. There is a pattern to their texting style and to their behavior on a date.
Sounds like he’d hope you’d give in. Which I expect he does to most women, then they don’t want to know him afterwards. Then he does it to the next, and most probably can’t see why his behaviour is wrong if there’s consent (even if pushed for) and he’s getting laid.
He’ll see himself as a good guy for not actually doing anything, and insist you should too.
Never underestimate a guy’s ability to gaslight women into doing things and making them think they’re the problem. You and other women aren’t, him and his type pushing boundaries, is.
I see your update. No problem, OP. A lot of people who have dated have been through these confusing situations. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Dudes in a roundabout way trying to *force you* into giving in and sleeping with him. He put you in plenty of situations where you could’ve been like “oh well, might as well do it while we’re here!”