I (24f) have been with my boyfriend (24m) for over a year.
2 months into dating and I noticed that his hygiene was really bad, and it affected the way I felt about him. His feet always smell so bad, his shoes are almost radioactive, he showers every other day at best, sometimes once every 4-5 days, I never saw him brush his teeth, altho he owns a toothbrush, he doesn't wash his hands before or after eating, he eats in bed and drops food etc. I "broke up" with him, because if you're an adult and you have poor hygiene it's almost impossible to change.
We talked about it, and he made efforts to shower every day, clean his teeth, cut his nails etc. And we got back together. Months later I notice he slowly became worse and worse.
Its something that we often fight about, because when I say anything about it to him he says that I'm too critical and I am "parenting him" and gets hurt because I used the words "disgusted".
Today we had a huge fight about this. He moved away just for a month for a job and I went to visit him from Friday until today. When I met up with him, he had just finished work, and smelled horrible. His nails were long and dirty under and his hands were dirty. I thought ok, I'll cut him some slack since he's coming back from work. We went to the hotel and he just collapses on the bed with his sweaty, dirty clothes and takes a nap. His shoes smelled even worse than what I'm used to.
I took a shower and when I was done i woke him up from the nap so we could go out. He didn't shower. The next day he went to work, when I met up with him in the afternoon, he smelled even worse than the previous day – I don't know how his coworkers are able to stand it.
We went out with some of them to a thermal spa, so we swam all evening… And the smell was gone. At the end, we decided to shower there, but it was unexpected so i didn't have soap. I borrowed some from his coworker, and then I realized later my boyfriend just showered with water.
The next day he didn't take a shower either. We woke up around noon and went out since it was his day off. When we came back I took a shower, then we ordered some food and had dinner on the bed (which I hate doing) but it was the only way.
At one point I felt overwhelmed, I felt sick because the room smelled so bad, a mix of food/dirty clothes/sweat. There were flies in the room!!!! There was a mess everywhere, food crumbs on the carpet and random snack wrappers all around the room, piles of dirty clothes etc.
When we slept I just stayed as far as possible from him in bed. The next day he asked me why I've been acting weird all weekend and I just told him the truth. He was so upset and we had a fight. He says I'm trying to control him.
He doesn't understand that I can't be intimate with him on an emotional level if the physical part is missing. And Im not able to be physically comfortable with him because of his hygiene. I was so repulsed by him this weekend, it's making me reconsider being with him.
He says that if I loved him, my feelings wouldn't depend on this.
I told him if his hygiene doesn't improve then we'll have to break up, but he takes it as a " threat" and says I'm being manipulative.
Tldr: I went to visit my boyfriend for 4 days and he didn't shower or brush his teeth once, as I result I was distant, when he asked me about it and I told him, he got upset and defensive saying I'm controlling him.
What can I do now?