I (26F) have been married to my husband (29M) for almost 4 years and have a great relationship and rarely ever fight. The only problem I have is that my husband never plans dates. I always look for events, farmers markets, plan double dates, vacations and pretty much include him in every aspect of my life. Apart from my birthdays, he doesn’t plan anything. He’s never even booked a plane ticket once in our entire relationship, I plan all the vacations.
Now I fully believe in maintaining independence and having our own lives in relationships. I have lots of hobbies and occasionally go on outings with my girlfriends, but I always communicate this with him and I always avoid weekends because that’s our time together. His weekdays are fully booked and we rarely spend time together because he works 9-5, plays volleyball, has run club, and likes to go on solo runs and bike rides, all of which i’m not invited to. He’ll say “you can come if you want” if I bring anything up. But not a true invitation of course.
Lately he’s been making Saturday plans fully without me and doesn’t communicate. The other day he left in the morning when I was still sleeping, went on a bike ride through the city, and I didn’t hear from him until dark.
Last night (friday) he mentioned he’d be meeting friends for volleyball later in the day but it wouldn’t take a long time. That I could come if I want. But when i woke today he was already gone, no text or nothing. It’s about 4:30 pm and I still haven’t heard any updates. And I’m 99% sure I won’t hear from him or see him until around bed time. All i want are texts saying “hey baby you were sleeping so i headed to the park to play volleyball, why don’t you meet us there or if you don’t want to, come get dinner with us”. But i don’t hear anything at all.
When i bring this up to him he always resorts to “you’re always invited if you want to come though. it’s not my fault you never want to come”. He doesn’t understand that’s not a true invitation and since there’s a group of ppl he’s making these plans with, I don’t feel welcome and don’t want to intrude. And no matter how much I explain the difference between true quality time vs being physically together with other ppl, he still doesn’t get it.
To add to this we recently moved and i’ve had trouble making true friends so I am pretty lonely.
I pretty much revolve my world around him. Yet i feel like a side character in his life. our marriage is nearly perfect except for the lack of planning on his end. when we do go on dates (that i planned), we always have so much fun together. and our life together at home is very loving as well. He’s a great husband apart from this, so am i wrong to feel upset?
TL;DR husband rarely makes plans, but when he does make plans I’m not included in them. do i have the right to be upset?
edit: We had the discussion and he admitted he got used to me being the planner, that i’ve been the planner since early in our relationship, so he doesn’t think to plan dates because he knows i will. it was difficult for him to understand that i’m not asking him to stop hanging out with his friends, and that i’m not asking him to change his life. he couldnt really understand that i’m not asking for more last minute invitations to his friends’ gatherings, that i want to either be included from the start and fully integrated into his friend groups or not invited at all. he thinks our love languages are different, that i value quality time more than he does. so i really don’t think he notices when i plan 50 dates in a row and he’s planned none. i don’t think he notices when we haven’t spend quality time together in 2 weeks. i don’t think it’s out of spite or lack of love, but simply unawareness because quality time isn’t something he cares about as much. i think he’s used to me being around all the time at home and takes me for granted. it’s a work in progress, thanks for all the advice!