Hi all – I’ll try to keep this brief, but could use a dose of perspective from folks who aren’t afraid to be blunt or honest – the advice I’ve gotten from friends and a well-meaning therapist seems to be geared at making me feel better.
TLDR: My romantic partners sleeping with someone else every now and again ironically keeps my insecurities in check, but this consistently leads to problems. I’m not sure how to approach a partner’s stated desire for full monogamy & could use some perspective from people who aren’t invested in keeping me happy.
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To cope with having been cheated on in a couple major relationships + feeling ugly/undesirable as a teen (generally considered moderately good looking now), I encourage my partners to have sex with others. I feel better about my own insecurities by feeling that they don’t have to choose between being with me (I’m appropriately confident otherwise) and having sex with people they’re more attracted to (more X than me physically/sexually, whatever I’m not/can’t provide).
I’ve seen friction when I bring this up to partners who want to be monogamous, but if it doesn’t happen then my insecurity spikes that I’m not my partner’s sexual/physical ideal and they’ll eventually get tired of compromising attraction for the rest of what I bring to the table. I feel like my partners are saying they wouldn’t want someone more/different X than me (forceful, muscular, different dick, etc) is just to make me feel better about not being <whatever thing they find attractive & are too nice to say to me>. E.g. I’m plenty fit but not super muscular and it’s just not true that they wouldn’t like it better if I looked like that – that kind of thing.
I’d like for this to not be a problem for future relationships, but don’t know how to reconcile my partners’ desires and my shortcomings in a monogamous way (& without over burdening my partner) that leaves me feeling secure in the relationship. Hoping folks here can offer any perspective or advice, thanks everyone.