Am I TAH?
24F. Boyfriend and I have been together for ~ 2 years. I’ve only met his mom about 1.5 years in. She wouldn’t meet me previously and thinks that my boyfriend and I are just kids so we’re not “serious anyways”. I met her last month and she was nice but she asked a lot of questions.
Boyfriends dad is ill and bed-ridden but his mom doesn’t want to hire a caregiver and instead asks my bf and his brother to come home alternating every 2 weeks to come help her look after their dad. I understand this is a tough situation so it is not really my place to comment.
Recently my boyfriend got into graduate school and will be starting in the fall (like August) so I recommended that he maybe bring up the idea of a caregiver to his mom again since he’ll be away at school since he noted that he likely won’t be able to commute from school every 2 weeks. My boyfriend took a leave of absence from work since March and has been home since then to look after his mom so I don’t know he can do this during school.
Recently I’ve had some health stuff myself so I asked my boyfriend if he could come back and go see the doctor with me as I feel very uncomfortable going alone. He asked his mom and she very bluntly said no, and that coming back (3 hour commute one way) for a doctors appointment was a waste of time and “she should just handle it herself instead of creating such inconvenience”. Of course this hurt me greatly but I went through with the appointment myself anyways. Thankfully it was fine.
Earlier this week, his mom asked him if I preferred to have him come back and if him getting a caregiver was my idea. My boyfriend said of course she preferred him to come home but the caregiver was his idea since he was going to school. For context, she has had depression for 16+ years and doesn’t interact with anyone beyond her husband, 2 kids everyday. ANYWAYS, she lashed out at him and had a complete meltdown. She started crying, screaming and yelling at my boyfriend for picking such an “irresponsible person” (me) and that she “never wants me to come back to her house ever again”. I know this is built on top of the me asking him to come back for my doctors appointment but was it wrong of me to ask? When he told me, I broke down crying and considered just letting him go so she can be happy. But is this really the solution though?
So I asked my boyfriend why didn’t he protect me from his mom and defend me?
Here are my thoughts – is it wrong of me to ask or think these things:
1) thinking I should break up with my boyfriend because of his mom?
2) asking him to please tell his mom to not say mean things about me (he refused and said she has depression so she won’t take this well and given that his dad is sick is not in the right frame of mind to process)
3) getting angry at this entire situation and thinking that I didn’t really do anything wrong? Or was it wrong for me to ask my BF to come back for my doctors appointment? Am I not being understanding enough?
Obviously I’m really torn and hurt but I don’t want to lose him. We were thinking about and already talking about getting married so I really don’t know what to do.
Thank you!
EDIT: my boyfriend has told me that when his mom has thoughts, he usually will just say them. She has called his ex-girlfriend “fat” and even called his sister in law “fat” before. Recently her sister in law had surgery so his mom actually said she (SIL) should’ve gone back to her parents instead of asking her son (bf’s brother) to look after her. I sense a pattern but it is hurtful nonetheless.