So there is this girl (F18), who could be considered my(M19) friend, for whom I have feelings (she doesn’t know). It’s the end of the year, and I probably won’t see her again in a month and a half.
The problem is that I am quite comfortable with people, but I have a protective instinct, a fear of letting go and a lack of trust (towards others but also a bit towards myself) that prevents me from really opening up to people. I’ve been working on this for a long time, and I’m doing pretty well, nothing to report on that side.
Unfortunately, I have not yet learned to deal with the romantic side of relationships. I’m rarely attracted and I’m still young, so I haven’t experienced a real relationship yet. I’m trying to get closer to her to get to know her, but (probably as a defense mechanism) I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable and authentic with her, which I find much easier to do in a friendship. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the only times I tried to tell a girl I liked her, four or five years ago, they ignored me for months.
I’m not interested in going up to a random girl on the street, because I only get attracted when I build an attachment to the person, so I know it’s a pattern that will repeat itself.
I like to joke with my friends that I have a 5 year old and an 80 year old running things in my head. With her, I tend to block out the “childish and joking” side and take on a serious, calm, rational air, for fear, I think, of the unexpected and the unknown. She, on the other hand, likes to shout, joke, sing and laugh a lot ( in a positive way). At one point, I asked her what she thought of me. She told me that she saw me as a “great sage”. I realized then how little she knew me. Moreover, I am also really friends with some of her friends, and with them I behave as I am and as I like to be, but with the girl in question, I am like blocked, and this shift of demeanor happens even when I am with her and our friends at the same time. She is absolutely great though, I really like her. Unfortunately, I think that hiding my feelings from her could have an impact because I think about everything I say and do around her. So I’m torn between trying to force myself to be free and learn to be authentic with her, or confessing everything to her to be honest, knowing that we might lose touch forever.
TLDR: I’m trying to get closer to a friend I have feelings for, but my instinct is to protect myself and put up barriers. I don’t know if I should tell her or try to get past those barriers.