So i’ve (22F) been in a serious relationship with someone (29M) since late last year. And to make a long story short, we’ve had our ups and downs for a multitude of reasons. One being that i’ve only just came back to the relationship pool after a few terrible relationships; which i’ve let them know in the beginning of meeting them.
When I started dating them, I noticed they didn’t have many friends – which I honestly never really first saw as a red flag? And i'm not sure if I should have? I know there have been phases in my life where I was a lone wolf for a while, and it’s not like i’ve ever been judgmental with how someone prefers their social life to be.
Now flash forward to the present. Due to real life stressors and other personal issues that I’ve had — I attempted to suggest that I might need a break in the relationship / remain friends, so I could have the opportunity to think about where I am at the stage of my life. Like said, I gave this disclaimer even before we became more serious. And it wasn't as if dating again was completely off the table. I just needed time.
This is where things suddenly felt deeply concerning.
Being “just friends” with them almost instantly made them distraught and emotional. I’ve had bad heartbreaks before, so I understand this wouldn’t be easy on either party. I would've accepted any consequence due to my indecisiveness.
But what I didn’t understand was their reaction wasn’t just because I brought up the idea of breaking up, but also because of how they perceived friendships as a whole.
Through these intense discussions, I learned they didn’t and have never seen much worth in having friends. I know they had attachment issues/fear of loss just like me, however, I wasn't aware of how severe they were.
They told me if we were “just friends” they most likely would end up cold and distant to me because they know how they are in these situations. That they didn’t see a point of us spending time together if we weren’t in a romantic relationship. Friends are more trouble than they’re worth in their words, and, at least in a romantic relationship, there is a “risk that's worth it for the reward (of being with someone for the rest of their life)”.
This is something I openly disagreed on. Both dating and just being Platonic with someone can be both the greatest thing you could do or your worst decision. I've had bad relationships, good relationships, good friendships, bad friendships, etc. Best friends have left me just as much as partners have.
I felt bad for not being as sympathetic as I could be, but even someone like me – who has trust issues from their own experiences – can't fathom completely shutting off friendships as a concept like this. Especially if it's with someone you still care about and aren't in bad terms with. Is it not always likely for exes to stay friends? Would it have been okay if they just wanted to cut off / take their own time to adjust? Of course. I would've given them their space if that was what they wanted. But my concern is here is it wasn't just because of heartbreak or whatever. Instead, the fact if we were just friends – and making friends in general – wasn't and isn't in their mind at all.
What was at first just someone I assumed who tended to keep to themselves because they wanted a small circle, was now someone who actually explained they believed friendships were "meaningless" which even they themselves referred to as "sociopathic" although i'm not informed enough to know if that's accurate. Because every ends up leaving them, but at least with a partner that person might be with them forever who can understand them and confide to about things they normally wouldn't (which I honestly still can't see the difference between a best friend and a lover with that one). They also told me they only have a social battery for one person – that being the person they're in a relationship with. Again, I completely relate to people who want a tinier social space for themselves. But this and their cynical view on people made me worried on how complex their issues may be, too…
I've truthfully just never met someone who has this view on platonic relationships, and i'm not certain how to feel or what to say to them. They did calm down an hour later of breaking down saying all this stuff now telling me "they just might be distant for a few days" and that's it, but during that outburst they had told me they had done this previously in their last relationship (of being cold and snappier until he completely ghosted her).
TL;DR: I suggested to the person I was dating that I needed some time to think about being in a relationship with someone due to irl issues they are aware that i'm dealing with. I said we could absolutely still be friends and still hang out if they wanted to, but they broke down crying not just because of the idea, but because they don't see a friendship with anyone at all as anything with much value, which they told me if this happened they most likely would get more cold and distant to me as days passed / would not be happy if we weren't a thing. "What's the point if we aren't a thing?" or something along those lines is what they told me when I said not much would really change if I did need this break to think.
I like and care about this person very much, but now i'm scared of how I should feel and what should happen moving forward. I told them I would take more time to think about my decision, although i'm not sure if this is a humongous red flag i've avoided since I never asked about why they had little to no friends, or if this someone I should take into care and concern with in the attempts to giving them the comfort of letting them know I want to be there for them no matter what we are and that they shouldn't just completely give up on making friends for the future – for their own personal sake.
At the end of the day, I just don't want someone i've learned to know and care so much about out of my life if we aren't in bad terms. But hearing how they felt about friendships has made me paranoid so much and question the person i've met.