The title says it all. Ive been dating someone for six months. I know I’m mentally ill and imperfect but I’ve tried my best to maintain my healthiest baseline. And honestly it was a generally happy relationship- or so I thought. I loved him with my entire heart. The main issue between us is the way I express frustration. I am not mean per say, but I can be snippy. I was snippier when his friends complained about me behind my back. We had a bump early in our relationship about boundaries that was addressed and fixed but the insecure feelings and snippiness lingered. I’d apologize and attempt to explain but it was always seen as a dismissal of his feelings. When it got too much I began to work on it, but when my brother died on mother’s day, that all went down the drain. I was unable to cancel and frankly pressured by my family to go on my pre-planned trip abroad the day after and he came with me. Other than breaking down and being more impatient, it was a great trip which he maintains he still enjoyed.
A week and a half later he breaks up with me. He takes me on a very pleasant date to a park for an hour giving 0 indication of what was to come. Tbh that whole week was totally fine, although we had a fight the last weekend due to a grief rage episode. But even so he still came to my apartment, said I was the love of his life and a good girlfriend and he’d never leave me and held me. The day he dumped me told me he loved me and held my hand and kissed me. He and I even made plans for the next weekend. After walking around we sat under a gazebo and I was getting ready to leave after sitting with him for a few moments, I had just kissed him goodbye and he once again told me he loved me. But as he pulled away he immediately said “I hate to do this to you but we can’t be together anymore. We aren’t a good match- our values are too different” I knew the values thing was a lie so I countered and asked him to explain and he started going on about his job and once again I knew that was a lie and told him that he was lying.
Eventually he confessed that it was actually due to the way I spoke to him, referring to the snippiness I just wrote about. He said it was too hard for him and this was on his mind for awhile. I asked him why he took me on a date for an hour if this was his plan and he said he didn’t have the courage to do it sooner. He kissed my forehead and said I’m still the love of his life and this is difficult for him too. He said he gave me too many chances. I told him I wanted to marry him and he said he knew, and he thought about it too. Hes not an expressive person, but for the first time I saw him cry. I had to get a friend to pick me up because I was just inconsolable. He said he wanted me in his life, and wanted to be my friend. I asked him what our relationship was gonna look like and what boundaries were gonna be like he didn’t really answer, he simply said we’d figure it out.
When he left the park I texted him that I love him. He said he appreciated it and cares for me deeply as a person but could not continue in a relationship. I asked for clarification on his feelings and he said he was even more devastated than when he saw me irl and felt bad that he caused me so much pain but felt that this was necessary. I went on a whole “you’re my best friend and I hope I’m yours too and I will always love and respect you” sort of ramble and he said he appreciated the kind words and that I was a really good person. Then I didnt message him until the next day letting him know the day and time of a private ceremony my parents wanted for me and my sister’s sake since she was abroad for school and had to leave the day after my brother died. I prefaced that I knew it wasn’t his problem anymore but that it felt weird to not tell him. He said he understood and really cares and thanked me for letting him know. But when I asked to see him that day he ghosted. Im so sad. Im so mad. I want him back and I hate myself for ruining this.
Idk how to live with this. I’m scared I never will.