My boyfriend is a very intelligent man. This is one of the first things that drew me to him; but lately it has been bringing me down a lot. I feel constantly insecure around this man in ways I have never felt before. This is an important part, I think: I have never felt insecure about my knowledge prior to meeting him, and I have been around people I deem more intelligent than me in many ways, it’s never impacted me this much. Even if I try my very best, I can never outsmart him. This goes for all areas; our gaming interests, knowledge, quick thinking, discussions, he always comes out on top. It is seriously knocking down my confidence. I catch myself more and more thinking about myself in an overwhelmingly negative way.
Sometimes it’s things he does, but I don’t believe it to be with malicious intent. For example, with video games we’ve played against each other in some games for some time. One instance from a couple of days ago, he kept winning at a mini-game we were playing, so I said to him to please just let me win once, for my ego, and he said okay, then every time I even got close to doing so he would immediately get back in control and make himself win. It felt kind of humiliating, and I even cried about it afterwards when he left for the night.
He’ll bring topics up for us to discuss, which I always say “I don’t know” to. Politics, science, history. In a way it has motivated me to learn more, I picked up a history book for the first time in years after a particular conversation we had left me feeling especially stupid when I couldn’t name the period when the french revolution took place; which I can see as a positive thing, but it’s rooted in the fact that I don’t feel intelligent enough for him and I don’t know how many books can fix that.
I’ve tried to think about it in terms of how we all have things we’re better at than others, and I’m sure there’s areas he’s lacking in. But the thing is, I can’t find it. Even the things I am good at, he is better at. I showed him my favorite video game I have been playing regularly for the past 9 years, he immediately got a higher placement than me despite not playing PVP games. It feels so discouraging. I am studying right now into a profession that I’ve been dreaming about since I was a kid. I was casually speaking to him about some school project I was working on, and this man would correct me, and he’d be right. I’d look things up after he said them, and he was correct. This is supposed to be the one thing I’m good at, and I can’t even do that. By comparison, he’s made me so insecure.
A part of me figures we should just break up, there’s many layers to this. I do not think I can “mentally satisfy” him, and I question if this unbalanced relationship is something I truly want. I want a partner on my level I can have a back-and-forth with, I don’t want someone I deem as “above me” to just give me orders because I can not argue back in a way he can’t quickly dismiss.
I am insecure, I don’t even know what he sees in me, he’s said multiple times that he wants a girl that can challenge him mentally and obviously that girl is not me.I expressed this to him once, that I felt dumber than him. Normally I try to keep these feelings from him because realistically, what can you do about it? I will only come across as whiny ad needy and it will impact the view he has of me, bringing this up to him more won’t solve anything, in my opinion, it will just make both of us painfully more aware of the problem. He’s said to me then that he could never date someone he didn’t find intelligent, that I shouldn’t worry about that, so I do think he finds me intelligent compared to other people he’s met, but still – not intelligent enough. It also doesn’t help that whenever he compliments me, it always has to do with my looks or my body. The only time he says anything about my personality it’s that I’m kind-hearted, or that I’m funny “without trying to be”.
I’d love some advice. I do not want reassurance of “well, clearly he cares about you!” because frankly this is less about his feelings and more about mine. I don’t know if I can see myself with a guy long-term that I feel this stupid around. It’s already affecting my self-view negatively, I can’t imagine what years more of this would do. So; either I find ways to cope with it, improve my intelligence, or we break up. This is what I want help with.
TL;DR: I feel constantly insecure around my very intelligent boyfriend, which is negatively impacting my self-esteem. Despite my efforts, I can never match his intelligence in any area, from games to discussions. His unintentionally condescending behavior makes me feel humiliated and inadequate. Our relationship is in danger since I can not see myself getting more and more insecure, feeling less and less intelligent the way this downward slope has started already. I doubt our compatibility and my ability to mentally satisfy him. How do I cope with these feelings and how do I take steps on improving it?