I have always been afraid of people, of being judged by them, or of saying something foolish around them. But with the passage of time, I really got sick of everything about SA. I realised that if I stayed like this, I would stay unemployed in the future, and I would probably live alone as I become an adult.
Since the beginning of my second year in high school, I have decided to change myself. I started talking to people in my class, I stopped sitting at the final table of the class, and I started interacting with teachers in class, especially in English. In addition, I had participated in a lot of activities in my school that required communication and standing in front of a large audience, like public speaking. And I started going out with some people out of class, like in a cafe, for a picnic, or just for learning, so I really tried my hardest to change.
It has been two years since the beginning of my decision to change. I'm now 18 years old, and I'm in college. I live on campus rn outside my city, so I'm used to talking to random people on campus every day. There are three people with me in my dormroom, and I go to play basketball with them sometimes. I even workout in the gym on campus, and I'm planning to enter one in my city this summer. And for college, I have a close friend there, and we talk all the time, in addition to some other people.
When you hear all that, you think that I have improved and that I'm better than ever before, but I didn't change at all. I'm still afraid of people, I'm uncomfortable around them, I don't know what to say to them, I still don't want to say some stupid things when I'm with unfamiliar individuals, I still stutter while talking, my voice tone is still so low that no one can hear me properly while I talk that they ask me to repeat what I said two times at least, even my own family, and I still can't make eye contact with people I don't know. When I use a taxi, I can't even tell him to stop where I want, and even when I do, he doesn't hear me…
And when I go to buy something and the owner of the shop gets me the thing I wanted wrong, I can't even tell him that it's not what I want; I just take it and leave in embarrassment.
I don't get it. What did I do wrong? I tried my best, but nothing changed. In fact, I'm worse than ever before. I started to hate myself so much for my inability to change and my idiocy. Every time I tell myself how much I hate it, I just start crying. I can't even handle insulting myself, as I became so fragile and easy to break. All of this gives me a headache, and I refuse to live like that for the remainder of my life.
Please, guys, for anyone who has overcome their SA, is there something missing that I don't get?