The power of cognitive distortions – Why people with social anxiety struggle to overcome their negative thinking and the 4 step process that will finally help you think in a much healthier way.

Hi guys.

Today I want to talk a bit about cognitive distortions.

I started exploring this idea with my therapist last week and it has been really eye opening. My therapist explained cognitive distortions are errors in thinking – they are both exaggerated and unhelpful thoughts that lead to a lot of unnecessary suffering and misery if left unchecked. It’s a common problem, especially in people with social anxiety disorder.

To properly tackle cognitive distortions we first have to accept one simple truth – the brain is an incredibly unreliable piece of machinery and produces opinions rather than facts. Not only that but its opinions are often negative because that is the way it has evolved. In hunter gatherer days the brain had to be extra cautious because there was a lot at stake if you slipped up – you had to constantly anticipate whether there was a saber tooth tiger was around the corner, or whether the berries you picked up were going to poison you to death. But now, even though our environment is a lot safer, we still hold on to our cautious brains which often limits how openly we interact with the world.

So learning to spot the cognitive distortions (the overly pessimistic thoughts) produced by the overly cautious brain is crucial if you ever wish to start living a fulfilling life. Cognitive distortions drain your energy, tank your mood and restrict your behaviour (make your reserved, shy and withdrawn from others). To solve all these problems you need to build up the habit of calling out cognitive distortions so they lose their power over you.

So I want to teach you how to call out cognitive distortions before they spiral out of control. Here is my 4 step process.

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Step 1 – Learn the vocabulary

You can’t solve a problem you don’t understand so having a clear definition of the different types cognitive distortions is super important.

Here are the common ones that trip most people up

A) Thinking in Extremes –  This includes catastrophisation and all or nothing thinking This is when you have a thought that just spirals to the worst place possible. For example, if you have a job interview and think..oh I’m nervous, I’m going to screw up so badly….then I’m not going to get the job…then I’m going to have to go back to looking for a job and I probably won’t find anything ahhhh!. The mind goes to worst case scenario and you will likely notice yourself getting more and more anxious.

B) Premature judgements – Jumping to conclusions about someone based on one thing they said or did that might have triggered you. For example, I often get uncomfortable when people mention travelling because as a result of my anxiety I just haven’t spent much time exploring the world. I discovered in therapy I paint travellers in a bad light and assume we aren’t going to be compatible. We often end up assigning people harsh labels and avoid them as a result even though perhaps that haven’t actually done anything objectively wrong.

C) Overgeneralisation – Making sweeping statements based on very limited data. For example, going out to a party and not really vibing with anyone and coming home and thinking ‘’Oh I just can’t make any friends…I’m completely unlikeable’’

D) Mind reading – Thinking you know what other people are thinking. In reality none of us can mind read, it’s literally impossible.

E) Emotional reasoning – Thinking something must be true because there is so much emotion behind it. For example, when you’re so anxious you pretty much think everyone doesn’t like you.

F) Personalising – Putting all the blame on yourself rather than appreciating there are always variables outside your control that have influenced the situation in some way.

G) Disqualifying the positive – Only seeing the bad in a situation rather than appreciating the positive. I’ve come to realise there is always a bright side or silver lining if you look hard enough but it’s very difficult to do when your thought process is clouded by negative emotions.

Start by learning these common cognitive distortions, even just knowing what they are is a huge step forward because it will help your brain to call them out more often in every day situations.

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Step 2 – Regularly remind yourself of the following mantras – ‘’I might be wrong’’ / ‘’I don’t know who I am’’

The phrase ‘I might be wrong’’ acknowledges a very powerful truth – that not every thought that pops into our head is true. The phrase ‘’I don’t know who I am’’ allows us to try new things with an open mind.

Now a days people are very pro positive affirmations and having confidence in ‘’knowing yourself’’ but to be honest if you are overly negative then literally the best thing you can do for yourself is to always take a moment to admit “I might be wrong’’ and ‘’I don’t know who I am’’.

These phrases remind us to be open minded and try new things. I also like to remind myself of the quote from James Clear’s book atomic habits which is that ‘’my current methods have got my my current results’’ so If I want to see any sort of change in my life, I need to start shaking things up.

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Step 3 – Call out cognitive distortions

So think of the next part like a game – Whenever you have a thought that is making you feel bad, see if you can call out the type of cognitive distortion at play.

I was actually watching the movie Bullet train where the main character, an assassin named ‘’Ladybug’’, played by the wonderful Brad Pitt, s hired to retrieve a briefcase full of cash on a Japanese bullet trains whilst fending off assaults from other assassins who are also in pursuit of the case. It’s a stressful circumstance for ‘’Ladybug’’ to say the least but throughout the movie he is verbalising his unhelpful thoughts and reaction to the situation e.g. whenever he gets angry, judgemental, cynical etc he asks himself ‘’What would my therapist say right now?’’

I thought this was a fascinating character trait and as a result ‘’Ladybug’’ comes across as a lot more endearing because we as the audience can clearly see he has self awareness, is open minded and is trying to be a better person…something which is very rare in the modern age .

I’ve also started doing this in my own life – since learning about cognitive distortions, I’ve started to spot them all the time. Usually I think something like ‘’Oh there I am catatrophising again…that’s not really fair or realistic, and as a result I feel a lot less stressed and negative. Simply calling out the absurdity of the negative thought process makes it lose its power.

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Step 4 – Take a step back and look at the situation objectively.

Finally, try to also question whether your thought is based on absolute fact or subjective interpretation. The issue with anxiety is it can colour how you perceive a situation. In an anxious state you brain is naturally going to see the world in a more threatening and scary way which means you will interpret what people say or do in a negative light.

The most objective information we have in a social situation is people literally telling us how they feel – If someone outright says they don’t like you, then that’s pretty clear and it’s probably best you move on, but the rest is interpretation. We are trying to make sense of someone’s body language, behaviour and tone of voice – if someone doesn’t talk to you that much then a lot of us might assume they don’t like us, but in reality they might also be anxious, shy or insecure themselves. Or they might be busy and stressed and therefore not making much of an effort to talk to others.

So until someone makes a specific comment about you, be aware your perception of them is merely based on your interpretation and they may also be struggling to open up.

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In summary, You have to learn how to read yourself if you are ever going to make progress. In the field of psychiatry, this kind of self awareness into how you mind can play tricks on you is referred to as having ‘’Insight’’, and it is well known that patients with good insight are the ones who end up doing much better. I think we could all do with having better insight and it starts with regularly calling out and challenging the unhelpful thoughts that often go unchecked in our heads.

Hope this helps!