What Could Men Do To Make You Less Uncomfortable/Unsafe Around Them?

30 comments

1. There are small things that they can do, depending on the situation and our relationship to them, but this is a systemic problem on a global scale and that won’t go away easily.

   Believing women when they say someone makes them uncomfortable, being mindful of how an innocent action might be perceived as threatening, and always always ensuring you’ve got freely given consent, are good things to start with though.

2. Make a habit of correcting their male friends and/or acquaintances when they say or do something shitty, especially towards women. So many men think that the Spectrum of Men just has two options: Nice and Evil, and their buddies are all definitely Nice and Evil men are those creepy faceless predators who lurk in shadows on the street. In reality, even the guy who treats you (a man) wonderfully can be a shitlord and a predator to women.

   Additionally (unrelated to my first point): Learn to accept a “No” without whining, demanding an explanation, or making it someone else’s problem.

3. Not argue with me when I say I feel unsafe.

4. Don’t stare at me.

5. Call out bad behavior from other men.

6. Don’t fucking talk to me when I’m public trying to get from point A to point B. Don’t follow me. Don’t invade my personal space. Don’t stare at me.

7. Start by calling out your fellow men when they’re being creepy. Don’t laugh at jokes aimed to insult women. The women in your classes, jobs, space etc listen. We know who should be avoided at all cost and who is a good human being. We watch and listen. Actions you take are remembered. Create a safe space by being proactive about it.

8. When you’re given “no” as an answer, take it graciously.

9. Don’t be a bystander–be a person of action in regards to any form of hate or oppression. Don’t mansplain. Don’t try to approach ‘feminism’ with condescending or awkward af political talking points, recognize us as human beings. Don’t overstep your boundaries. Consent and its rules should be a no-brainer for you and you should be able to call out anyone else on that shit, friends, family, etc. Be an awake human being with a semblance of caring and social consciousness to know how to do all this work on your own, because that’s what really caring about people looks like.

10. Be gay. Just be gay as HELL. Once we even get a hint of it, most of the defense comes down.

11. Get neutered.

12. Please don’t make sexual jokes/innuendo directed at me especially if I have no history of engaging in this type of behavior/conversation. I’m always like, “what did I do to make you think you could say that to me.” It’s wild

13. Don’t demean women in front of other women, stand up for your female friends/just be considerate in general

14. Don’t be argumentative for the sake of being argumentative. I get it, banter is cute when I know you. But if I don’t know you? That shit is putting me on high alert that you may be a naturally aggressive person.

15. [removed]

16. Learn how to read body language and back off if someone is non verbally displaying that they’re uncomfortable, even if they’re still smiling. Lots of women continue smiling when they’re uncomfortable because they don’t want to unnecessarily antagonize a strange man.

17. if you’re a stranger, don’t ask too many identifying questions. Sounds weird but i stopped in my local corner shop for some milk on the way home and the guy saw me carrying my guitar and amp (i’m a music teacher) and asked about it. pretty harmless and i was happy to chat, but he started asking where I work, who he should ask for if he went there, what days I work and when I would be back. Couldn’t lie about some of it as I had my work clothes and name tag on with the brand. Don’t do that to women when they’re alone with you, it makes us feel like you’re going to stalk us even if it was innocent. Anyway I have started going out of my way on my way back just so I don’t go back there it’s really inconvenient but when I finish work it’s dark and empty there and he’s always there.

18. Call out shitty behavior, definitely.

19. Call out other men. Make it a joke if you want.

    Give me physical space.

    Let me finish my sentences.

20. Respect me and treat me the same as male friends

21. Avoid staring at women, including stunningly beautiful ones. If you’re looking at her for longer than you would look at a guy, chances are she’s feeling uncomfortable.

22. If I say I am not comfortable going to your house, riding in a car with you, you paying the bill until I know you better, don’t act like I am personally accusing you of something. Don’t touch me gratuitously if that’s not our relationship. If I am considering dating you, don’t jump from light, friendly banter or flirting immediately to something clearly sexual. Give me the ability to set the pace I am comfortable with. It’s super scary to be with a man who goes from being nice and acting like a gentleman to groping you and shoving his tongue down your throat in a split second. If you are socializing with a woman and you mean for it to be a date, make your intentions clear. Otherwise, you just seem like a creep who is taking advantage of the fact that I might feel badly turning down a friend.

23. Accept no for an answer.

24. Stay 6 feet away from me. The amount of men that get right up in my space for absolutely no reason is unreal.
    If I’m by myself in public it isn’t an invitation to chat me up, mind your business.
    If I’m somewhere high risk (elevator, stairwell, parking garage) go another way or wait til I get out of that situation.

25. Stop allowing your mates to say sexual comments about your sisters, mother, girlfriend/fiancee/wife, and daughters.

    Take “no” as a complete statement.

26. Learn to control and express emotions healthily. Know when to back down. Not everything has to be a debate with sides. Don’t punch shit. Don’t throw shit. Have poise and grace.

27. Just treat me like a human being with feelings, talk about women less so as object and more like people, just be considerate of others tbh

28. [removed]

29. Actually build a connection with me before seeking sex

30. I once had a guy approach me at a Target and start chatting. I could tell he wanted to ask for my number or ask me out but thought it might be inappropriate, given we had just met. So, instead, he said, “Hey, I go to such-and-such coffee shop on (these days) around (this time). If you ever want to meet up for coffee, I’ll be there.” I thought that was a good no-pressure way of breaking the ice.