I (31F) have been having panic attacks following sex for a little over a year now. As you may imagine, hyperventilation and disassociation is not doing any favors to my libido/sexual intimacy with my partner. I’m doing weekly therapy but have a history of sexual assault and the progress is slow.
I’m posting because I want to better support my partner as we navigate my issues around sex and intimacy.
A bit of context:
My partner (34M) is an absolutely wonderful man. He’s my best friend, supportive, funny, and we make each other feel seen//loved. When I’m lower stress (and the gods/stars/my cycle aligns) we have great chemistry and hot sex. But those things do not align consistently and lately I’m not well afterwards.
My partner, understandably, has been feeling sad and lonely and stuck. He also feels guilty for telling me when he feels this way, because he knows it can make ME feel guilty for not being able to meet his needs. He wants to act like he is okay so I have time and space to heal without feeling pressured, but the lack of sexual intimacy is often challenging for him.
He needs to be able to express his sexuality, and I also really want to recover my ability to express my own sexuality…but that will take time.
For him, sex at it's best is way to feel a deep, primal, and blissful connection with someone. For me, sex can be at best really fun/hot, but often leads to panic/dissociation. It’s like my body shuts down when it feels both sexual and emotional intimacy at the same time. In my mind sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy seem like opposites.
We're both seeing our own individual therapists on a weekly basis, which helps a lot, and we are starting with a sexual intimacy coach next week. But I want to ensure I'm doing as much as I can.
So I'm wondering, has anyone gone through something similar? Any thoughts or tips on navigating? We're both really committed to each other, and on figuring this out together, but it's tricky and we could use some help!
2 comments
Idk what you’ve already covered in therapy, but here are some things to consider if you haven’t already:
General strategies for dealing with panic attacks: find 5 orange items, describe one thing you smell/hear/see, does it help to have hugs or to not be touched or to hear particular phrases?, don’t fight the feeling—allow yourself to feel it, medication (a good psychiatrist has gotten me decades of progress in a year).
Triggers: what happened a year ago?, do you dissociate during sex and if so when (particular positions/acts/thoughts?), when you’re panicking post-sex is your aftercare routine different than before you started having the post-sex panic attacks?, are there emotional changes in the relationship that preceded the panic attacks?
Intimacy: are there ways of being intimate that don’t cause panic (naked cuddling, mutual masturbation, showering together, talking about how you’re both feeling and practicing treating everyone’s emotions as a neutral phenomenon)?
If you vape I’ve had the same issue