I 20f have been with my fiancé 23m for almost 5 years now. I'm 7 months pregnant with my third child, and I feel like my partner is no longer in love with me. How can I salvage our relationship? Our interactions have become tense, and we've been fighting constantly. I'm concerned that our relationship is deteriorating, and I'm unsure of how to fix it.
I'm noticing that he is no longer making time for me and our children (3m and 1.5f). He consistently chooses to stay up late playing video games with his friends and sleeps in until well after lunchtime, only leaving himself a short amount of time to spend with us before he heads to work. The lack of quality time together is putting a strain on our relationship and making it difficult for me to feel connected to him.
He seems to get agitated and frustrated by every little thing I ask him to do, whether it's taking care of the children's basic needs like changing diapers, spending time with us during meals or leisure activities like going to the beach or park on his days off, or even just running errands like grocery shopping. It has caused a lot of tension between us, as I try to get him to demonstrate some level of interest and love towards me and our children.
The hurt of being alone and unloved is magnified when I see how much it affects the kids. They adore their dad, but he appears disconnected from them. He rarely initiates playtime with them, and when he does, it's often forced upon him by my request to do something with them. His strictness and frequent yelling at them for acting their age only adds to their pain. It seems like he regrets having children, despite his denial. I need for him to recognize the depth of their love and need for him, and to be the kind of parent they deserve.
Even today, he slept till noon, completely disregarding the fact that I had to take care of our children and manage the household chores alone. When he finally emerged from his slumber, he didn't even bother to speak to me, instead, he went outside to smoke without a care in the world. Upon his return, he nonchalantly informed me that he would be leaving for work over an hour earlier than usual to hang out with his friend and visit the dispensary together. It seems like he no longer prioritizes the needs of our children and me, leaving me feeling unheard and ignored. I'm at a loss for words, unsure of how to address this situation and help him understand my perspective. I don't want our relationship to end, but I desperately long for the affection and attention he once showered me with. The thought of going through labor and possibly another C-section surgery without his love and support fills me with dread and heartache.
TL;DR : I 20F and pregnant feels my fiancé, 23m, may no longer be in love with me after five years together. The relationship is strained due to constant fighting and his disengagement. He prioritizes video games over family time, shows irritation with domestic responsibilities, and lacks connection with the children. I desire for him to become a more involved, loving parent/fiance.
9 comments
I think the big answer here is definitely that the two of you need to see a couples therapist a.s.a.p.
Ugh 3 kids before the age of 21 this post makes me so sad.
Make plans on how to eventually live life without him. It’s not likely to workout when the stakes are this high with 2 kids already, another on the way, and he can’t choose to actively prioritize them.
> unsure of how to address this situation and help him understand my perspective
Do you really think this is just some misunderstanding?? I think you need to change your mindset and put your kids first here. Don’t put them in an environment where they get yelled at. Start getting your shit together: if this man isn’t going to be your support with the birth, who will? If this man decides to walk out, how can you stay afloat?
You can’t fix relationship issues if the other person doesn’t want to or doesn’t care. Stop trying and start planning for the worst. Maybe if he realizes that you’re pulling away hell kick into gear.
One thing that agitates me is when I hear people say “we used condoms and I still got pregnant!” I’m sorry but how does that happen? And no I’m not including the fact that condoms break sometimes.
Unfortunately, the other commenters are right. You need to start preparing for a life without him. It’s going to be difficult and it’s going to take a while but you cannot remain fully dependent on someone who doesn’t have your or your children’s best interests in mind. Get your license. Get your GED. See what sort of support you can qualify for – food stamps, free childcare, etc – so you can either start schooling or find a part-time job you can do from home.
You can’t make someone fall in love with you. You can’t make someone prioritize you. You can only control your own actions, and you need to start looking out for yourself and your kids.
I’m sorry, but he’s a 23 year old wanting to act/live like a 23 year old. Those years between being a kid and and being a parent (18-25 really) are the prime years of your life to be selfish. Hang with friends, set your own hours, party, have fun. He’s missing out on that (so are you) and it sounds like he has checked out.
This is a tough situation without a lot of options. My advice:
Talk to him and set a schedule for when he gets “free” time. Maybe it’s a portion of each day where he can play games (like 9-11 pm or something). And then a few weekend hours. Ask for some time in return. See if you can come up with a mutually beneficial agreement. Try to find some mom friends who have kids around the same ages. Do “mom swaps” to save on babysitting. One Friday you watch theirs for free while they get a date night, and vice versa. See if you can bring in some source of income. Maybe take in another child or two around the same ages as your kids.
Your partner is barely into “adulthood” and has 4 humans that are solely dependant on his income and his ability to provide. That is a damn hard thing to have to come to terms with. I think he’s realising that he won’t have ‘freedom’ years for another 30 odd years and that this is his life.
You’re going through the same thing but handling it better than him. Will you still be with him in even 10 years time? Statistically no. I would sort of yourself to be more independent.
You are both really young. It’s not uncommon for people to drift apart in their 20s because it’s a huge time for growth as you go out and explore, meet new people at work/college and learn how to be adults. Unfortunately your biggest mistake is having kids with a guy who’s given you zero commitment. One kid was an oops, but now you’re on your 3rd??? Yes I read they were all unplanned but fuck. That’s a ton of pressure on a guy who’s 23.
You can’t force a relationship to work. You can suggest couples counseling but ultimately it may just be that you’re growing up and drifting apart. You need to start planning on being a single mom in case that happens.
You married a real winner. Great taste in “men”.
Better fight hard to keep this “gem”.
Seriously though, you should try to make this work. Not many people your age are going to want to date someone who already has 3 kids.
I have a family friend like yourself who married some douchebag like your husband. SHe had 4 kids with him and he just split. They got a divorce and now she’s a single mom who does promotional work and some modeling.
Dates here and there but is still single years later. Best case scenario is you end up like her.