Hi so it's a bit of a long story so I'm going to try to resume the best I can, I hope I'm following the rules about the Reddit I've read them.
Sorry for my bad English is not my first language thanks
I don't know if I'm in the right Reddit so if I'm not I'm sorry 😅
So I'm a (21f) I've start only recently to have intimacy with my partner and he's nice so he's not the problem at all we talk and everything and we have a safe word.
But I noticed that everytime he tries to touch me or to be intimate I push him away even if that is what I want and at first was okay but I noticed that everytime I get touched in a sexual way I get angry and pissed but is what I want and it's a bit confusing because I want that im also in a kinky relationship so mostly of my kinks are kind of touchy but something happens I talked to my partner but it's something that's starts even if it's cautious.
The only thing it came in my mind is the fact that I have to much control on my reaction and I tend to stay really rigid.
Or the fact about the 🍇 from my childhood and my teen years that also makes that difficult.
I honestly don't know because my body wants a to have intimacy and to let the other person touch me but is like is something instinctively kicks in that I need to try to defend by covering myself or getting angry about the hands on my body even if I like it.
Or the fact that I can't myself go I feel like a statue because my brain even when I want to let myself go I start to think that maybe I'm being embarrassing that letting me go is going to sound cringe so I end being silent even if I'm enjoying and I want to say the things that come to my mind.
So I don't if there are tips about it on how to make myself more relaxed or a way to enjoy the things or people who experienced the same thing as me.