I (40F) have been seeing a lovely man (45M) for about 3 months. He is very consistent, kind and considerate. He responds well to my requests and we have similar interests. He is not particularly proactive or affectionate – I can't tell if its because he is respectful and waiting for me to take the lead or if he's just not that sort of person. My concerns are that I don't have very strong feelings towards him. I appreciate him as a person but don't feel particularly motivated to progress our relationship. We are both single working parents so have busy lives and generally only see each other for a couple of hours each week. Over the past year that I have been single, I have become increasingly comfortable being single. I enjoy my kids, friends, interests, work and feel my life is full. It would take a very special person for me to want to give up my freedom and spare time progress to a more serious, enmeshed relationship and I'm not currently feeling that way. This type of relationship seems to be working for him too but I can feel increasing distance between us. I don't want to call it too early because I know how rare it is to find someone like him, particularly in the modern age, but I also feel I should be more interested particularly at this early stage.
I think I can either double down to give this a better chance of longer-term success or let it go.
Thoughts?
21 comments
I’m also a single parent in my 30s and have spent the past almost two years being properly single, without pursuing a relationship or dating. I think you understand the peace it brings to your life, and the sacrifice that comes along with meshing your life with another’s. For me, this peace is the stuff of life, a place where we can truly learn and grow as people and parents, get enough solo time, and feel confident that we’re giving it our best. You may have different wishes for your life, different needs, but fwiw I hold this peace in the highest regard and wouldn’t sacrifice it for anything. YMMV!
If you don’t feel excited to progress things, especially after 3 months, you’re not that into him.
I would end things, three months is more than enough of a trial run. It sounds like neither one of you are very invested.
Also…consistency and kindness are the bare minimum.
Feelings are for me, the absolute basic of a relationship. It’s the foundation. It’s what makes us go through the hard times together, because there’s this unexplainable connection/feeling/love for each other that just keeps us together.
Are okay with settling for someone you don’t feel much for, just to have a warm body next to you at night?
Some people live like this and they are fine.
However since you made this post, it seems like your gut knows this isn’t enough for you.
Someone can be kind, handsome, funny, treat you great but you still don’t fall in love. Because you don’t choose that – you can’t control your feelings.
Personally I’ve been in your shoes tons of times: met awesome guys, that were great on paper but my heart was like ‘nah’. I always believe in following your heart, it isn’t fair to you or the other person to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling.
It’s always hard to let go because your rational mind is ‘oh, but he has so many great qualities, that’s rare!’ But that’s just scarcity mindset. Why not find someone who is good on paper AND makes your heart fluffer?
You do you and only you know the answer to this. But 3 months in and you are feeling ‘meh’ – it likely won’t get any better.
I think that the fact you’re having to ask this question most likely gives you your answer unfortunately.
If you *really* want to give this relationship a shot, then perhaps a weekend away together could help you see if you bond more deeply or if it confirms your current feelings. You’d have to go into this with the understanding that it might be an utter waste of time though.
If arranging childcare or the idea of a weekend away feels too challenging, it probably indicates how much of a priority this relationship is for you right now.
Ultimately, trust yourself and your instincts. If you pretty much know that this isn’t going anywhere, it’s best to be honest with him about that.
I would lay it out for him like you’ve laid it out here: “I really like and appreciate you and think you would make a good partner, but I feel some distance between us. There seems to be sort of a disconnect. Something is missing for me.” See how he responds. Maybe he’s feeling similarly, maybe he’ll be surprised. Regardless, I think his response will help you to figure out the next steps
It sounds like maybe you two just aren’t that into each other. If you’re prioritizing your peace, & don’t really want this kind of relationship right now (meaning a “lukewarm” one). Let him find what he wants elsewhere, & you do the same when you’re ready to.
What are you looking for? Maybe this you can be satisfied with having a low commitment, low effort type of relationship with your already very full lifestyle. Of course, the rewards are less than a full-blown passionate relationship but those require a LOT of efforts and time that you don’t really have at this point in time.
If proactiveness and affection are important to you, it sounds like this might not be the right relationship for you. I have dated a couple perfectly kind and respectful men who weren’t very affectionate and/or seemed to have some intimacy issues and ended up ending those connections because affection outside of the bedroom is super important to me. It’s okay to want and need more than the bare minimum.
This scenario seams like why the advice is to go on dates with multiple people. Settling is a serious risk.
It depends on what you want.
Some people prefer that steady pace of things.
Me? I need to fall in love.
I had a 3 month thing and let it run to 6 months before pulling the plug, because I just wasn’t in love with the woman.
Now 6 months in with a woman I simply adore.
I’d say just ride the low tide and after some time if a spark doesn’t turn into a flame; let it burn out.
I was seeing a guy like this. I ended up just ending because neither one of us seemed that into it.
You both seem to be alright with the things they are, it doesn’t seem there are mismatched expectations, so why change anything? It’s not like your only choice at point is either declare this being a relationship or to break up, you can just keep things casual, as long as both of you are happy with it
Sounds like you guys have a lot of compatibility, and stay for that, but the feelings aren’t there. After 3 months you should know if your level of interest is enough. Time to check out
You’re not that into him. Plain and simple. Break it off.
One test you could do is ask yourself the question “if from today on he never ever contacts me again, how will I feel?” if you know you are not going to feel any sorrow or angst about that, then I think this is your answer.
Before deciding, maybe think about how things might go if you were to break up – do you think you would be ok starting the dating process over again? Would you be fine if it takes some time to meet someone special? Is there a possibility you might miss him and realize that you actually did like him a lot?
Sometimes they are just not the person for us. I have broken up with people in the past where I felt this way and I have no regrets!
Just talk to him instead of asking complete strangers online for life advice, who at best are getting just one small side of the situation. Or better yet, let him go so you both can be happier. Because from the other comments you posted you won’t even miss him if he’s out of your life.
I’d say that he can pick up on how you are feeling and might cause distance (maybe) , and many people at this age are looking for someone who is truly interested in them because it signals longevity.
Also if you are already having doubts now, what will change later on?
It’s up to you and how you feel.