My best friend and I have known each other for about four years but over the past year and half have gotten very close. I never had more than friend’s feelings for her, but that began to change the more I got know her. I’ve always thought she was beautiful but now I find no one nearly as attractive. I’m a very isolated individual and will almost always choose to spend my free time alone. I rarely go out with friends and when I do its not for very long. But now… she’s who I want to spend all my free time on. Id rather see her than be by myself. I never felt lonely before, but now if she’s not around, I’m lonely.
I’ve expressed how I feel to her. When it comes to her, I wear my heart on my sleeve. She keeps how she feels about me very close to her chest. She’s let it slip more than once though. She was drunk every time, so I do question it but sometimes ppl are the most honest when drinking. Once, she finally admitted she “likes” me and later, on two separate occasions, told me she was in love with me. That took me by surprise… We have told each other “I love you” plenty of times but never “I’m IN love with you”. I know I’m crazy about this girl and am terrified I’m falling in love.
Sounds great right? Why don’t we give it a shot? Well apparently, there’s someone else. She doesn’t tell me much about it, and I don’t want to know about it. Ignorance is bliss and all that. She’s seeing someone else and she’s in love with him too. They seem on and off, I don’t know why.
We have had discussions where I’ve told her, when I find someone and do start a relationship, I believe mine and hers will fade a bit. I have a terribly hard time explaining it but basically, I wouldn’t want my S/O to be friends with or at least as close to someone that they have both confessed feelings for. How would it be okay for me to do that to them? I’ve never loved two people at the same time, hell I’ve never had a crush on more than one person at a time. I have been good about moving on from one person before starting something with someone else. I don’t WANT to find out if I’m capable of having romantic feelings for multiple people. She’s asked me if I’m only her friend hoping something more will happen. I’m not. I do HOPE something will happen but that’s not what HAS to happen to remain friends. I don’t want to cut her off, that will only show that all I wanted was a relationship. I cherish her friendship and am okay being just a friend. Its just some days it is hard as FUCK to deal with. I’m jealous… I don’t want to be…
How do I move on while maintaining our friendship? Am I being delusional? Is that possible?
I know I'm leaving out details but there is so much more that this post could be 100 pages long. Ill try to answer as many questions as possible.
TLDR; I'm crazy for my best friend but nothing more can happen.