I guess this is more of a vent because I'm feeling down. I've been trying to date since about high school. I've been on plenty of first dates. A few second and a handful of 3rds but no 4ths. So I've learned to limit the hurt to not put any feelings into a date because the likelihood of nothing happening is pretty high.
I had a third date that I thought went pretty well. Alot better than others I've had. We went hiking about an hour away from where we lived. We made it to the top of the mountain, sat, held hands and kissed. It felt right. On our way down the trail we ran into a family with a little kid and the topic of kids came up. I honestly haven't thought about having kids since I haven't made it to the step that most make it to in high school. I answered, "I don't know", since I've never been asked that before. She seemed a little off put by that, but everything seemed to go well after. We got lunch held hands and kissed when I dropped her off. But I just had a feeling, I had a tightness in my chest the whole night and I couldn't figure out why. We each sent a text and I ended with it saying "I had a lot of fun today, I hope we can do something soon."
This morning, I get the text that every guy dreads. It has to do with me being unsure of if I want kids and that I'll find someone. (Something I've heard for the past 15 years!!!!) To her that signals that I don't. I tried to save it but there was no use. I got my hopes up that finally what I was doing on my own for the past year was working. I was going to the gym regularly, trying to be more social, dressing well, taking care of myself and trying to work less. I cried pretty hard this morning and went to go see my mom since she's the only family I have. I got to see her dog who was excited to see me and couldn't stop jumping on me. So that was nice but I've been pretty upset all day. But I keep trying to tell myself that these feelings will pass and Ill be back to normal. But I just feel like that isn't the case. Every time this happens it feels harder and harder to get my hopes up, to put any effort forwards just to have these feelings again.