I wanted to give a bit of back story into our life together, as it’s been a flurry of ups and downs. I’ve just spent 30 minutes writing it, but It’s a lot so I’m going to put it at the bottom of this post. In my opinion, it’s important information to read first, but feel free to skip it.
3 or so years ago, my girlfriend and I nearly broke up as I saw messages on her phone telling a “family friend” she was single (we were in a rough patch but still not an excuse in my opinion). I wont get into the nitty gritty of the messages I saw (there was nothing sexual), but a lot of winky faces etc. She is currently in Greece with a friend. It was a last minute thing, her family is from there so it’s cheap with no accommodation costs etc.
I have just had possibly the worst few weeks of my life, I’ve lost my biggest client that provides over half of our combined income. We’ve been told we have to move as our landlord wants to put the house on Airbnb, rental prices have gone up 60%. 2 days ago I received a debt collection letter from my energy company to collect the £1,800 I “owe” them, that I paid nearly 8 months ago and have proof of. I’ve been dealing with that for months with countless 2 hour long calls. I told my girlfriend about losing my client and her response was “Why?” followed by “Just don’t waste your time with them then”, “do what you think is best”. In the moment it didn’t feel too bad, but after sitting there and freaking out about the future, I realised how much it affected me. I feel like she had no interest in how I was feeling and the massive impact it’s possibly going to have on our lives. I understand she’s on holiday, but it would just be nice to feel like we were in together. Most of the time it’s just me against the world, along with trying to keep her afloat also.
Anyway, that happened, and it wound me up. I brushed it off and went about my day trying to mend the broken thing that is “life” at the moment. I’m sitting there, overwhelmed, frustrated, upset etc. I opened my phone to see a picture of my girlfriend holding up a rose with the caption “Missed you hun”, tagging the family friend mentioned above. I get that he’s a family friend and it’s not like she can just avoid him at all costs, and I’m not asking her to do that. But with everything going on, WHY? WHY DO THAT? I responded to her explaining it wasn’t nice and she completely ignored the message. I then messaged her again telling her I was wound up and upset. She said “I’m not replying to negativity on holiday”. I was furious and we had a huge conversation around both that picture and the chat around losing my client. She still doesn’t want to apologise as she thinks she’s done nothing wrong. It’s really difficult to accept the fact that she doesn’t want to apologize. In my opinion, she’s hurt my feelings and she’s not acknowledging that. What she did affected me.
What should I do? I’m feeling extremely stuck. This sort of thing happens a lot. She does something that upsets me, defends herself for hours until she realises she’s actually done something wrong, and then apologises. I can’t deal with the in-between stage of defence and disregard of how what she did affects me. I told her “I’m bored of being made to feel like I’m acting up for no reason”.
I really want to make it work, but also don’t want to beat a dead horse. I have so many ambitions but I’m scared of being alone but also know that I’ll figure it out if that did happen. She has people she can talk to, I’m sitting here spending an hour and a half on a reddit post because no ones interested in listening to me ramble for 2 hours.
# About us/my struggles:
* ***I’m a workaholic -*** I work from home, so I’m always around when she needs me, but I don’t feel like I’m fully present when she comes in to chat. I’m up at 7am and sometimes don’t get out of my office until gone midnight. She’s the total opposite, from my understanding anyway – she hasn’t known what she wants to do for years and I’ve tried countless times to help her figure it all out.
* ***I KNOW I’m an extremely difficult person to live with -*** I have pretty extreme ADHD, and it’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life. You’ll experience it reading through this thread. I explain WAY too much, if I feel I can help, I do way too much to help. For example, a friend asked me what computer he should buy but he only had a few hundred pounds to spend. What he got back 3 hours later was pretty much a massive excel spreadsheet of second hand PC’s with specs, ratings, performance, benchmarks etc. Maybe that can be overwhelming? lol
* ***I’ve been nasty in the past -*** I was very much the typical “lad” at the start of our relationship. Not wanting to commit, refusing to meet her family, it was toxic and I’m ashamed of it. (It was like that for about a year and a half, maybe 2.)
* ***She cheated on me, and I understand why*** \- she met someone at work and they started seeing each other. She’s told me they didn’t actually do anything, I believe her. I found out by reading her work emails while I felt like things were off. Talking about cuddling after work etc, it was HORRIBLE. I’ve never felt like that in my whole life, but I understand why she did it, she felt totally unloved by me. She felt like I had no interest in her, she wanted me to want her and spent years fighting for it but felt like she was getting nowhere. It must have been totally draining
* ***I’ve now committed -*** I wouldn’t say this is BECAUSE of the above. But more because I realised I didn’t want to live life like that anymore. We worked through our problems and I’ve become a completely different person in our relationship (she agrees). We’ve spent the last 3 Christmases with her family, and I’ve tried my best to make her feel wanted and appreciated.
* ***I have a problem with showing affection -*** I can’t seem to WANT to be affectionate. It’s really odd, but there’s a pattern. I feel like we’re just “existing together”. It feels like we’re together because it’s easier than not being. Sometimes I just get into a state where I want extreme affection and it’s so obvious to me when that happens, it’s because we’ve just done something really fun together, or had a great time and I’m feeling connected to her. But most of the time I just feel like I can’t. My body wont let me even if I get a slight urge – It’s like I’m scared or something.
* ***I feel unappreciated way too often -*** I work really hard, and I pay for pretty much 80% of all bills, along with dealing with every possible problem that crops up. Anything that requires an inch of thought, I’m all over it, that’s just who I am. I don’t expect her to step in and take on any of that responsibility – but it feels like she doesn’t even understand what it takes. I rarely get thank you’s or any acknowledgement that I’m taking care of her.
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***TL;DR***
*Life has become a mess, lost a client that provides over half of our combined income, the landlord wants us to move out to put the house on Airbnb (rental prices have gone up 60%), debt collection letters for bills I’ve already paid 8 months ago. I told my girlfriend about the loss of my biggest client and she had no sympathy whatsoever, assuming I’ll just “deal with it” like I do with everything else. We nearly broke up 3 years ago over a family friend she told she was single and was flirting with. I understand she can’t just avoid him, but I open up my phone to find a picture of her with a rose saying “missed you hun” and tagging this guy. It hurt me, I told her it wasn’t nice and she ignored the message. We’ve spoken about it but she is refusing to apologise. What should I do? I can’t accept that she thinks she’s done nothing wrong.*
3 comments
So what are you getting out of this relationship that makes you want to stay in it?
Break up with her. You are not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Get in therapy and get meds for your ADHD.
I can relate to her reaction to your work related crisis. My ex wife was in sales, and while she wasn’t a workaholic, her focus & emotional state were usually tied up in whatever current big deal was in progress. She also had ADD, and often I felt like I’d be in the middle of telling her something and she’d randomly mention something about work that she had to follow up on.
It wasn’t always a big deal, but it was often more of an issue on vacation, especially if anything was in flight at work. It could be very frustrating when she couldn’t detach.
So from what you’ve said, I can see why your GF might feel like she needed a break from hearing about your job during her vacation. I understand that you wanted her to be there for you in the moment, but it might be to her it wasn’t “a moment” it was “more of the same” – maybe not the specific context (ie losing a big client) but just your workaholic tendencies in general.
The picture/post is a whole different thing – that would bother me too, especially given the past infidelity. Not that there’s anything specifically wrong w/ her having a post to a longtime family friend, but just the timing of it. Feels like it could be a passive aggressive response to you picking a fight with her while she’s on vacation.