Tl:Dr
Context: I 35-M cheated in the past. Found out recently my wife 36-F cheated on my last year with a colleague (not direct, but same team.) am conflicted about my hypocrisy, double standards, and reeling emotions. Thoughts?
I 38M find myself in a position I’ve never been in before:
First of all, I have been unfaithful before in my marriage. My wife 36F eventually knew about it because I eventually told her, we'll after the fact. Now, it seems the tables have turned.
Recently, I found out my wife had an affair a year ago with a colleague. We were going through a rough patch; she moved out to be closer to work, and I was out of the country for a while. Apparently this man had been fawning over her, adoring her, blatantly showing his interest at work to him, giving her lots of attention, etc. Eventually they were the only two left at a work related happy hour and he asked to kiss her, and she said yes. They were doused in alcohol and so with inhibition out of the way and a the plausible deniability with alcohol involved, he took her back to his place. Apparently she refused him several times, but he kept insisting, pursuing. She mentioned she even kicked him off at one point, but the whole time she says that she let it happen. I can’t tell if this is a case of flirty drunk people playing hard to get but really wanting it the whole time, or a serious case of “no means no” and he took it too far, and yet, she got pleasure from it and came back. She liked the attention.
Apparently she saw him a handful of times. Eventually, maybe she was having a lot of feelings for him or maybe the thrill of the attention (and possibly the booze) wore off. Why she cut it off, I don’t know.
I never thought I was a jealous person, but the possibility of losing my wife has made me a little crazy. I feel jealous. I probably feel all the things my wife felt when she found out I had cheated. I never experienced this or thought she’d be capable of it, but I underestimated her, and she kept her secret for a year. I have no idea if they really did break up or not, but I believe her when she said it because I thought I could tell when she was lying.
I know I’m a hypocrite. I hold the fact that I’ve cheated, and she cheated in my mind at the same time and yet am still conflicted. I never loved the person I had an affair with, but it sounds like these two really had feelings for each other. She’s picky and wouldn’t just sleep with anyone, so this guy must have been at least somewhat special to her, or maybe able to give her something I couldn’t… or maybe she was lonely, attention starved, love starved, and someone wanted her deeply, and she gave in.
Why am I like this? It should simply be a situation of “She got revenge on you and now you’re even. Takes one to know one. Serves you right. You have no place to talk, you deregulate hypocrite.” and yet, here I am, with all the feelings and emotions that come along with learning about something like this. I’m not big enough to simply let it roll off my back.
I clearly have a double standard going on. Why? Why would I have one standard for men cheating and another for women cheating?
I’m very confused. Please help.
Yours unfaithfully,
-Degenerate Cheater