I have a serious problem with saying things that get me into trouble. Whether it's gossiping or talking bad about someone behind their back or even self sabotaging by tattling on myself to get attention, I just can't learn to stop. It's caused me to have nearly zero friends and lose opportunities to advance my career.
All my friends, my boss, HR, etc all recognize that I'm toxic and it's clearly me that's the problem (common denominator) and it's been this way my whole life.
But I somehow feel like I must not have hit rock bottom or something because I can't snap out of it. I know I need to stop and it constantly makes me spiral into depression but I don't know how.
I've tried talking to therapists before but I do this weird thing where I externalize it and blame everyone else during therapy sessions, almost like I'm gaslighting myself because I know I'm the problem and am trying to convince my therapist that it's not me. They tend to fall for it because I'm largely successful in my career and/or they blame it on some pretty bad trauma I went through during childhood. When I catch myself doing this, I try to get my therapist to understand what I'm subconsciously doing but they usually tell me to not be so hard on myself and never offer any real solutions to help me fix it.
I've tried everything from pausing to take a breath or walking away from a situation to give both physical and time distancing but I can't ever drop it and I circle back to say something stupid because I've convinced myself I need to.
I need help and I don't know how to get it or what to do.