I (22F) have at least a medium libido. My boyfriend (24M) and I have been together 2.5 years. We both have autism, he struggles with empathy and interpreting/responding appropriately to emotions, I struggle with social cues and anxiety. At first, sex was amazing. Our first time together still gives me goosebumps when I think about it and how gorgeous and wanted and sensual he made me feel- we had some of the best sex of my life when we first began dating.
We went from 3-5 times a week to once every 1.5-2 weeks after his job got stressful. I felt resentful, unwanted, masturbated more than daily so that I wasn’t pestering him because I knew he was stressed. Around this time we began arguing. We moved in together a year ago. At Christmas this past year the arguing got worse. He slowly gained his libido back (quit the job) but mine deteriorated over the time we weren’t having frequent sex and it evaporated after the arguing got worse. I became the one turning down his advances.
I try to cuddle but all he wants is sex, calling me pretty and saying my boobs and butt are great. I feel objectified because 80% of his compliments are about how I look and I can’t even cuddle without him trying to have sex with me. We barely go on dates and it’s only after I beg for romance. At this point we’re like roommates. Our arguments have not stopped. I attribute this to his neurodivergence which he has never received specialized counseling for (he says it’s too much, even a waste, of money).
I turned sex down this morning (we had it yesterday, but he said I rushed it) and he said our sex frequency “makes the relationship unsustainable” and he’s disappointed that he’s experiencing “another” sexless relationship. I said my libido is tied to my emotions and our arguing doesn’t help. Then I asked if he’s seen any patterns about when or why his partners stop initiating sex. He said he had no idea and ranted about how we’re both stressed (true) and our futures (we’re relocating to another country and I’m starting grad school this fall) will be stressful too- he was essentially blaming all this on stress. I said just because we’re stressed doesn’t mean we need to fight and that we have to work on communication. He then said he was tired and didn’t want to talk about it anymore and went back to bed.
Before you say it, I can’t just leave. He’s all I have- I’ve got no family, I have so much trauma from past roommate experiences that I get panic attacks thinking of living with random people because I can’t afford my own place. I am desperate to figure out how to want sex with him again. I’ll do anything to find a way to fix this, fix us, so we can go and live together in this beautiful new place full of opportunities for the both of us. I’m desperate.