Yesterday my older sister (34) called me, distraught, and told me she cheated on her husband of 10 years. And it wasn’t merely a drunken one night stand. It was a multiple day affair with someone she’s harbored feelings for, and it happened while her husband was out of town.
My sister is 10 years older than me (24F) and we are incredibly close. I have always looked up to her — put her on a pedestal, even — so this is devastating to me. I love her husband like my own brother and I’m devastated for him, too. He doesn’t know. No one knows but me. I did my best to be supportive and encouraged her to tell him, but she said she couldn’t do it.
This has been weighing on me so heavily for more than 24 hours. My sister swore me to secrecy so I haven’t even told my own husband. I want to tell him but I feel trapped by my loyalty to my sister. We’re supposed to see them (my sister and her husband) in two weeks and I’m worried that if I tell my husband, he won’t be able to play it off at our family function. And I don’t want to have to lie to my sister when she inevitably asks if I’ve told him.
If you were in my situation, would you tell your spouse ASAP or wait until after our event? If it helps, the event is a two year old’s birthday party (MY two year old). Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
EDIT: Just to be clear I don’t want to tell her husband, I think she should be the one to do that. But I do want to tell my own husband.
TLDR my sister cheated on her husband and I don’t know if I should tell MY husband or not.
49 comments
Be honest with your sister. This is not something you can be secret about. Give her a chance to come clean or you will have to disclose the information.
“I won’t be able to act normally around you two, knowing what I know. You’ve got two weeks to tell X the truth. You know he deserves the truth, and you NEED to tell him.”
She put you in an incredibly awkward situation by telling you. Remember this, you telling somebody will only put the same burden she put on you, on them.
The party is not the time to tell. I have a feeling she will continue the affair. If she is remorseful then she needs to end all contact, cut the other man out of her life and never, ever communicate or see him again. She needs to tell her husband but I understand that this is a difficult step.
You sister only told you so that she could make herself feel better and she didn’t care at all about how it would make you feel which is completely unfair. It was very selfish on her part. You made that promise under duress so I don’t feel like you have to keep it. Tell her that you can’t keep her secret and give her a chance to come clean before telling her husband, but you have no reason to not tell your husband in the meantime.
Why exactly is your husband the focus in this situation? I feel like you’re focusing on exactly the wrong thing here. It’s up to you what you tell your husband. *Her* husband should honestly be your focus and you should be telling her that he deserves to know and if she doesn’t, you’ll tell him.
I wouldn’t say anything at all. Let your sister handle it in her own way. Nothing wrong with keeping this from your husband. I’ve been in similar situations being the vault of secrets and having that loyalty is what sustains those friendships.
Personally I would just keep it to myself I would not tell your husband and i would skip seeing them for now I feel like If i was in your shoes saying anything can ruin the relationship between you and your sister
I’m just wondering if YOU are cheated on, would you like somebody to tell you? Give your sister an ultimatum to tell her husband or you will do.
I’d instantly leave my partner if I knew they kept cheating a secret from the person who was being hurt. You have to tell her husband.
She really shouldn’t have brought you into this
Yeah yeah she should be telling him but she isn’t going to.
Now the question is, are you going to do the right this and tell your BIL whom to claim to love like your own brother? Or are you going to sit on this information and let your sister take your BIL for a ride?
Would you want someone else to keep this information if your own husband was cheating on you because “he should be the one telling you this”?
Not tells big your husband creates a rift in your own relationship. Don’t let your sister fuck up YOUR relationship
She was selfish in burdening you with such information, putting you in a difficult spot. Do you really want to do the same to your husband? What is there to be gained by telling him beside just easing your own burden?
Don’t do what she did to you, to your husband. It’s unfair. I would encourage you to continue to talk to you sister and have her come clean. And I would set the boundaries from here on out that you don’t want to be put in this situation again. If she wants to screw around on her husband she can keep it to herself and wallow in her guilt. She doesn’t need to bring you, an innocent party, into her mess.
I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just asking what your motivation is. Would this be something he even wants to be in the middle of. I know I wouldn’t want to be brought into it if I were him. You know him best though.
My number one rule about keeping others’ secret is that I won’t tell anyone… other than my boyfriend.
OP you do realize that if you don’t tell the husband you are now an accomplice…
Your partner will be hurt that you enabled a cheater.
While it your sistet isn’t your responsibility, you are making s choice by doing nothing.
Your resentment towards her is totally understandable, and she put you in a very uncomfortable positions. But it’s her mistake and it’s up to her to fix it. I would probably tell her that you don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it at all until she tells her husband.
She messed up big time obviously, but if you tell her husband then there is a decent chance she’ll cut you out of her life. Since it sounds like you two are very close I would not take that decision lightly. I don’t think you need to lie for her or cover up if he was ever to approach you about it or if you were put in that situation. But I think it needs to come from her, not a third party.
If I was in your position I would tell my husband
Not telling your husband makes you an accessory, and if I were your husband, I would question your moral compass. I have ended relations with ladies who defend their cheating friends.
Why are you thinking of your own husband only ? Is he the effected party here? Did your sister cheated on your husband ? You need to focus on your AH sister and tell her to come clean to her husband or you will tell him yourself. Remember that you hiding her secret or siding with a cheater will reflect upon your character and morality. Also, I would definitely have a talk with husband after the party, if you think he may react strongly.
Hmm did telling reddit help? I’m curious
You need to tell her to come clean to her husband or you will. I understand you love your sister but imagine your sister’s husband cheating on your sister. You’d want your sister to know.
Why are you so focused on telling your husband?
Tell your husband. Then tell your sister she has till x date to tell her own husband or you will
She unloaded her guilt onto you and is lying to her husband and making you hide stuff from yours. This is not ok.
I would tell my partner immediately as hiding stuff even small.stuff isn’t ok
She should tell her husband.
It’s not really fair to make you accomplice to an affair. What if she does it again?
Her husband deserves to know, because he deserves to decide if he wants to work on it with her or not. You cannot be an accomplice to robbing him of that choice. You should give your sister a timeline.
“*You can either tell the truth to your husband other on your terms, but after 24, 48 or 72 hours (choose the one that best suits the situation), I will break the news and you will no longer have control over the narrative.*”
Why does she have to ‘come clean’? Destroy her marriage over a mistake? Why? OP needs to put that shit in a vault in her head and forget about it. Learn to KEEP A SECRET. Period. None of your business if no one is getting hurt here. A secret is a secret. Keep it.
You need to tell her husband. Don’t be a piece of shit like your sister.
You should absolutely tell her husband (and your husband too). Secrets in marriage and relationships are like cancer. It’s up to your sister and her husband to decide what to do from their marriage after that. Also, your sister has proven to be very selfish and calculating by organizing an affair when her husband was out of town, and then telling you to clear her conscience while never taking action or responsibility for what she did.
Well, now if you’re in silence you’re compliant to it, simple as that. Also why tell your husband though? What good it may bring when he’s not being affected by that at all?
People always try to paint their shortcomings as virtues. Instead of calling it **lying to your husband**, you call it **loyalty to to your sister**. Let me tell you what happens when the truth comes out.
1. Your BIL finds out you knew your sister cheated and didn’t tell him. He is doubly betrayed, by his wife and by someone he loves like a sister. His ability to trust people will be crippled.
2. Your husband finds out you **covered for your cheating sister**, and realizes he can never trust someone who would help conceal infidelity and that if you ever cheated on him your sister would have covered for you too.
3. You’ll ruin your family’s reputation. You’ll seem like cheating sisters.
It’s not up to your sister if you tell your husband. She has offloaded to you for her benefit. Not yours.
She has no right to tell you you can’t tell your husband. She shouldn’t be controlling what you do.
If this ends up destroying her marriage? It’s on her. Not you. She cheated. Not you. You have nothing to feel bad about. At all.
Frankly? I’d tell her not to attend the party unless she’s come clean with her husband. It puts you in a difficult position and that’s really not fair to you. I wouldn’t want her at the party.
You said your BIL is like a brother to you, but your actions show that is a lie. You are willing to hide serious information from him, even though it directly impacts him. He is
>I love her husband like my own brother and I’m devastated for him, too.
OP, you are supporting a liar, who is cheating on her husband. Your sister does **not** deserve any consideration. Your sister is the one who has destroyed her marriage. By telling her sister’s husband she enables him to protect himself from potential STDs. The husband has a right to know.
If your husband were cheating on you, wouldn’t you want to know. Wouldn’t you hope someone would tell you? Or would you rather people not tell you, allowing him to continue to cheat and harm you? That is exactly what you are doing to your BIL by not telling him.
One, cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a series of choices. The choice to engage in flirting. The choice to decide to kiss. The choice to touch the AP inappropriately when already in a relationship. The choice to decide on having sex. The choice to take off their clothes. The choice to have sex with their AP. The daily choice to lie to their spouse, either by omission or deflection, about the affair.
If OP does not tell her BIL then it is showing that she condones the behavior, either directly or indirectly. If I were married to her, and found out she kept this secret, it would destroy any trust I had in her because she is willing to help hide an affair. I would seriously start looking into divorce lawyers myself as she has shown her moral character is significantly flawed. Especially if there were not kids involved, but even if there were I would not want to stay with someone like this.
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ETA: Do not wait to tell your BIL. Tell him what you know that your sister told you. If you want to give your sister give your sister a deadline, make it short. But inform her that you will be talking to your BIL after that also. And that you will be telling him what you know. That will help prevent her from trying to make it seem innocent or that nothing happened.
Because it’s your two year old’s party, I can assume you don’t want the drama. It is selfish, but I would tell your husband after the party if you don’t want to make him a part of this lie. Give your sister a period of time (2 weeks?) to tell her husband or you will be letting him know. I would tell her that in the future, while you love her and she is your sister, you cannot be an accomplice to her behaviors and lies. It’s not fair to you and it puts you in a terrible spot. I completely understand wanting to tell your husband too – this is your partner and clearly you value your marriage.
Tell her to come clean with her husband & that she should NEVER had shared this with you because now it’s unhealthily inside you head. Unfortunately your relationship with your sister has/will be changed forever from this point on….
How do you know she is going to stop . I think you should say to your sister that she has 24 hours to tell him or you will. For her to put u in that situation speaks volumes about her . Tell her that u are just returning the favour . What if her husband finds out & then found out that yourself & your husband knew as well . I imagine if they reconciled that all family get togethers would be very cold & for good reason , your sister. Time u took that pedestal out from underneath her & slapped that crown off her head .
You shouldn’t tell your spouse. I would keep it to myself and encourage her to do the right thing which is telling her husband
She’s put you in the position of keeping a secret from your Spouse… so now she is not only destroying her own marriage, she is trying to get you to damage yours. Tell her this this is neither fair nor right. If she will not confess her actions on her own, you will be forced too. Currently neither of you are helping either relationship, you are banking damage to both that will only increase with time. Confront the situation and handle it before it grows any worse.
If you love her husband like your own brother then you need to tell him or give her an ultimatum to tell him herself. You’re just as guilty. She’s not going to tell him.
I know this is a very unpopular opinion, but there’s no way I would tell. Reddit seems to think whenever you come clean, the heavens open up, and you’re showered with rainbows and puppy dogs.
Here’s exactly what will happen, they will stay together, and you will be ostracized be everyone. Your sister will never forgive you. Their relationship will continue to be filled with distrust and drama until they eventually divorce because of the lack of trust. Your sister will hate you even more. Your family will take your sisters side, and treat you like a pariah. All your mutual friends will think you’re wrong.
If it were me, I would tell my husband. There’s no way I could walk around knowing something like that without sharing it with the person I tell everything. It’s bad enough that your sister is lying to her own husband, she has no business trying to dictate how you handle your relationship with yours.
Tell your sister you are going to tell your husband. Yeah yeah, she swore you to secrecy, but this is not the kind of thing one keeps from their spouse.
Tell your sister she needs to tell her husband or that you will do it for her.
Right now she is not only acting incredibly immoral, but she is putting a good chunk of the burden *on you*.
The moral thing for you to do here is to be completely honest and forthright no matter the short-term discomfort. And yes that includes your relationship with your sister. Lying (including by omission) helps nobody involved in the long run.
Such typical reddit self righteous BS…. cheating bad, tell the husband. This is your sister, who you are close to. Please keep your word to her, don’t tell your husband until she works it out, if ever. Life is complicated, shit happens. If my sister ratted me out, our relationship would never be the same.
You should take this secret with you to the grave
I am of the firm belief that someone being cheated on deserves to know so that they can make the informed decision as to whether or not they want to continue the relationship. Obviously your sister is not going to tell her husband. I really think you should tell him but if you dont think you can, then I at least think you should tell your husband. I think cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone and there should be consequences for the cheater.
The only victim of this is your sisters husband. Not your sister, not you . As a person who has been cheated on, it’s the most horrible thing you can do to a person. You take away their ability to love someone or even get loved. I feel sorry for that guy.
You should tell your sister that she has put you in a very bad situation and tell your husband about this now.
In my relationship, unless it’s a fun surprise like a birthday gift or a visitor he’d enjoy seeing, there’s no such thing as “don’t tell your husband.” That relationship is sacred. I think you should tell him, if you think it will ease your mind. What a shame of her to do this, as well as to completely burden you with her guilt, and demand you not even tell your closest person. Ask yourself where your loyalty lies… it should ideally be your marriage/partner and all other things come second.
OP, you should tell your husband. If he finds out that you knew and didn’t tell him, he will probably think that you secretly feel there is nothing wrong with what she did. He will probably think that if you ever cheated, your sister, family, and friends would work together to keep it from him.
Birds of a feather flock together.
Again, your first loyalty is to your husband. You two are the center of a family group. You and your sister are not the center.
Tell her you’re disappointed in her and do not appreciate her bringing you into her affair business. Let her know you do not hide things from your husband, and she should not be hiding this affair from her husband AND should not have committed the adultery. She may be your sister, but your HUSBAND is your priority as her husband should have been HERS. I’d go as far as to tell her you don’t want to associate with her until she tells her husband what she has done because HE deserves to know…and that sooner than later, you’re going to discuss what you know with your husband because YOU don’t keep secrets from your husband because YOU value your marriage and respect your husband…and at the moment, your cheating sister does NOT have your respect. Make it clear that your husband may not have the same restraint to keep from telling his brother-in-law that his wife cheated…so she better realize it is better for the betrayed husband to hear about the cheating and remorse from his wife and his sister in law or brother in law…and the betrayed husband deserves to know who his wife’s affair partner is so he knows who cannot be trusted around his wife. Marriages have a better chance to survive after infidelity when the cheater comes clean without being confronted or someone else spilling the beans…but it still may end. That is the price to pay for infidelity and I have no sympathy for a cheater’s consequences.