I've already posted this in another sub, before finding out this one, and I'd really appreciate a few more opinions, especially today, that the pattern has manifested again in all its hardship.
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Me(F47) and my husband(M50) have been together for twenty years and we have a 12yo. Our relationship has always been a little bit rocky: we come from very different upbringings, I have no family left, his family is very particular and conservative, he has a lot more of self-confidence than me. We've struggled to make our relation work, a lot of work on ourselves and our problems, and now we are in a good position. Not the bestest of marriage but a comforting, nice one.
There's a thing, tho, that bothers me a lot and can't be discussed for its very nature: when he's going through some stress, (i.e. he's more tired for work or have something that makes it nervous like when has been a few days without sex), he tends to treat me like I was unlikable, the acquaintance you can barely stand. He snaps often while trying to hide it, he's sarcastic, he belittles the little things I say, but the very stupid ones like "I think that it was a good movie", "It is not. Pardon me, but it's a bad movie". And I know that it seems a very little thing, but try to imagine this answer, with a sharp tone, 8-10 times a day.
Usually, he's very kind and gentle, even if I think that he's always low-key convinced that he's better than me at most things (he's a Mensa member, surely he's more clever than me), he shows interest in my things, but when he is in this mood for me it's very tiring. I feel like I've been patronised because I chose asparagus instead of spinach (it actually happened)
Just a few example of the last few days and today: I'm going through some minor health issues, but I have anxiety and they really trigger me due to my trauma. I'm waiting for a medical exam on Tuesday, and I'm worried and very focused, sometimes it's true that I become monothematic. This bothers him, and he has told me that I seem an old lady who talks only about her health (but not in an affectionate way). At the same time, he has been very sarcastic because I've just found out Golden Girls and I think it's brilliant and for me very relaxing: "You can't like this show, it's for old people, who ever I have married? A granma?"
Or, today, he snapped me two or three times in front of other people cause he's convinced that I'm in a bad mood because first thing in the morning I abruptly dismissed him while he was trying to tell me again how worried he was for his cold while we were opening kid's birthday presents. The dynamics "I say thing X in a imperfect way – he becomes convinced that I am in a bad mood – he treats me bad all day long even if I'm not in a bad mood" happens very often.
If I try to talk to him about this thing he dismiss me when he's still in this mood, he denies it when he's halfway out, he apologises and promises to do better when it's over.
But I'm very tired and would like a piece of external advice.
Thank you in advance.