TL;DR
I saw my boyfriends moms messages about me
Wont get into why I saw the messages because this will be a long post already but I know its something to work on and I can detail why if necessary!
Context: BF (25) and I (22) have been together for 1.5 yrs and met his mom at 10 months. She has always been super sweet to me, shes always asked me to hang out with them and wanted me to extend stays, shes bought me gifts (and I her) and has asked more than once now that he’s moved further from both of us that she and I go to lunch or get our nails done together. I liked her a lot and she always calls me a sweet girl. Also in all of these messages my bf defended me so I’m not angry or sad with him at all.
The messages:
\- I sent him a food delivery, he texted her about it excitedly, she commented that I needed to learn how to cook
\- I offered to loan him some money when he was moving because I knew he was stressed about it, he told her and she said I was only offering because I knew he would say no
\- Commenting that I need better eating habits (not sure why this is a sticking point for her, I’m healthy and a conventional weight, I eat veggies and salad but I guess I haven’t in front of her enough)
\-When talking about me commenting that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree (my parents have made some minor mistakes in life but are doing very well now and I’m extremely proud of them so this one hurt :,(
\- This one needs context , I helped him move, packed his apartment with him for days, took work off to help him make the move to a new city and even went back to his old apartment to finish up the cleaning, she knew all of this, that it wasnt my apartment but I was doing a lot, that I took off work and also that on some of the days I helped I was doing my work from home during the day and helping in the evenings. She told him that I needed to do more work to help and that she had seen him doing too much
\- When he moved to a new city some friends of her asked him to go out with their younger employees so that he could meet some people his age. He rode in a girls car to the game, I knew this and didn’t have an issue. He told her he was going in the girls car and she said “shes pretty” and then added “but XXXmy nameXXX is better”……… I know she said I’m better but why was the comparison necessary in that way, it was just a car ride
\-for added context here the girl is indian which my boyfriend is and I am not
\-After my spending a weekend at her house where she kept telling me to stay longer, her texting him that she was tired of me
\- When he was going to a lunch with a girl that made me a little bit uncomfortable she told him to tell me it was cancelled but really just reschedule
All of these seem like minor things I guess but it hurt my feelings a lot and also caught me by surprise because I felt like we had bonded so much and also because I make a large effort to contribute positively to my bf’s life
8 comments
What’s your boyfriend doing about this since it’s his mom and therefore his responsibility? You said he defends you, but is she getting any actual consequences for this?
Did your boyfriend show you these messages? What was his goal in doing that?
This may sound biased but I and every Asian person know the truth really is that Indian and most Asian mothers are over involved in their kids especially sons lives. Which is in itself toxic and not normal, and they’d much rather prefer someone of their own religion cast nationality whatever be it. They will always try to meddle in some way subtle or not and nothing is ever good enough for their sons, there’s always better. No matter how modernized or new age they are or try to be these little things are sort of ingrained in them. ( this is not the case for EVERYONE but it seems valid in yours, at least to my eye dating an Indian man and have tons of Indian friends myself )
All you can do is ignore/ rise above it and have an open and honest conversation with your partner about it and ask him what his take is. The reason you need to talk to him is because it seems like she’s a big part of her life and can / will have an influence on his decisions. Make sure he knows that he is aware of his moms bias.
Btw, you’re a great girlfriend and certainly have positively influenced his life 🙂
Well, if you want to be long-term with your boyfriend you’re going to have to accept the fact that you’ll probably never be good enough for him in his mother’s eyes, based on the events mentioned in this post, and that at some point, your boyfriend is going to have to be willing to have a serious talk with his mother about how you are his priority and he will not accept her slander of you any longer. And if he isn’t willing to do that, that’s a huge red flag imo that he will always value his mother’s feelings more than yours.
I think it’s good that your boyfriend defends you, and as long as he is trustworthy, his mother’s behavior shouldn’t matter too much, because after all, you’re dating her son, not her. However, the fact that she told him to tell you his lunch with a female was cancelled then reschedule it, that’s a red flag. She is encouraging him to cross your boundaries. I would stop reading her messages about you and just keep her at a distance. Don’t open up to her, ever, because clearly she’s not really there for you.
Not good, usually, I would say let your boyfriend handle it but I think you need to let her know that you are well aware of the negative things she is saying about you.
Maybe you should invite her to a private 1 on 1 lunch and let her know “ I am very surprised that you accepted my invitation for lunch because based on the comments you have made about me, it doesn’t seem like you like me very well but I am glad that you were able to make it.”
Edit: grammar
Seeing one or two messages I understand but you appear to have read quite a long history of texts. I’ll assume it’s with permission.
My SO loves me to death and if I went through her texts i’m sure I could find a handful of comments about me that would be upsetting to me. The way we talk about people when they’re not around is not meant for your eyes and its not mean to hurt you. You have to let people talk.
But now you can’t unsee this and you have to come to terms with it somehow. She’s not a monster.
This is the way it is always going to be. As long as your SO knows to ignore almost all/everything she says (or to stick up for you) learn to minimize time with her and ignore (largely) what she says.
Source: Dated an asian for seven years. I am not asian. Nothing I ever did/said/how I treated her child was ever good enough for her despite the fact that I was the best relationship her child ever had.
I agree that trying to sustain a positive relationship despite the fact that she was shitty to you is the way to go. Nothing she said seems to be personal enough that she wouldn’t say that about any non Indian woman your boyfriend would be with.
How it’s been explained to me is that for a long time in India and other parts of Asia, marriage and courtship was this kind of difficult, stressful, even traumatic thing because your family’s legacy was intertwined with the family you married into and their status and reputation. In 2022 it’s uncommon to judge a person based on their parent’s extended family or spouse’s parent’s family, but that was the norm for so long that it is still ingrained in teachings about courtship to this day. Historically and still in some areas of India today, the bond between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law was very strong, with the daughter-in-law moving into the husband’s parent’s home and becoming a servant to her husband’s family (and specifically his mother.) People can believe that’s wrong, but still fall into those lines of thinking if it’s what they’ve been taught or experienced growing up. Many older Indian women had to play that role for their husband’s mother, so it can feel a little jarring to have gone through that humbling experience as a young woman and then not get the additional help and reverence that you were raised to expect when your son gets married. Especially if the person they’re marrying is a Western woman, she could be the kindest and most respectful person but times have still changed, there’s obviously no way that she could or would become subservient to her husband or MIL the way that it was done in the past.
So idk, I feel like just having sympathy towards her situation but having your boyfriend make it clear that you are equal partners is the way to go. He should absolutely be standing up for you, and reminding her that you have no obligation to be kind to her if she keeps insulting you. But you yourself should stay friendly and like the awesome kind girlfriend you are, the high road wins in this case.