My (41/m) wife (40/f) and I have been married almost 13 years. We have 2 kids 10 and 6. We haven’t had sex during the past 6 years. I mean none. Zero. Nada.. prior to that we probably had it like 4 times a year. I sleep alone every night because my youngest daughter won’t go to bed without my wife. I’m married but I feel very lonely.
All I am to my wife is an errand boy to boss around. The only time she talks to me is to give me something to do, or complain about something. I get no affection from her. Just a tight lipped kiss once in awhile. The kind your grandma gives you. She got pissed at me for trying to give her a hug when she was folding laundry.
I work 11-12 hours a day for 5-6 days a week. I try to help with the kids, try to help around the house, but it’s never enough or goes unnoticed.
I’m very last in her priorities. She finds time to ride her peloton everyday though. I wish she rode me that much.
It sucks to constantly get rejected by your own wife. I’m beginning to hate her. I’m tired of being bossed around by my prude wife who shows no affection.
39 comments
What does your wife when you bring up your concerns?
Also if it’s your house, and they’re your kids, you’re not helping out with them. You’re just fulfilling your responsibilities so don’t fall into that trap of expecting praise for doing things you’re supposed to.
It’s a little strange to be upset for someone for rejecting a hug from you when they’re busy but I think it makes sense for you to feel that way considering how bad things have gotten.
How much effort are you putting in to initiating conversations with your wife? Do you take her on dates still?
A professional is needed here. You both seem burned out (to me, at least), and you need help communicating what the issues are and how to solve them.
Neither you, your wife or your kids deserve to live an unhappy life. And you need to do something about it.
this broke my heart. Have you considered divorce or asked her why she treats you like this?
You need couples therapy, date night sitter and many other things.
Start from talking to your wife what marriage is falling apart and get her to therapy. Find a sitter and start going out as a couple.
6 years old can sleep with a night light, plush toy and alone in the room.
Yeah, start from talking to your wife.
*When the bedroom is dead, and you see red, its time to walk out the door instead.*
As it is, it’ll never get any better.
It’s time to go, but are you ready to leave?
The cost, the price to be paid, will take a toll upon you, leave you with a heavy heart and in many ways alter you, change you… and at times, break you.
All for the potential to seek out what you want in someone else.
You’d have a lot more sex and a lot less bullshit barked at you if you left this relationship. Just sayin’
Couples therapy. But if you’re gone all the town, what do you want? She’s made a life for herself since she doesn’t have a partner around any waking hours won doesn’t feel like he should participate more than making money.
Just ask her if she is still interested in being married. Communicate. She may be in another place in life. If she still values this relationship, ask her to go to couples therapy with you.
You clearly do hate your wife – calling her a prude is pretty unattractive.
​
I’m going to use this example: She got pissed at me for trying to give her a hug when she was folding laundry.
I’m not saying you do this, I’m suggesting how it may be interpreted. Sometimes when one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, any attempt at touching can be interpreted as trying to have sex. It then becomes irritating and the very opposite of desirable.
Do you want to save the relationship? If so, then an intervention is needed and some open and honest conversation
Or, you really do hate your wife, in which case you need to separate for everyone’s well-being including your children. I hope you can address that hatred though as that’s the woman who bought your children into the world and raises them. Hating their mother will likely mean it’s interpreted as hating them, at least to a degree.
This situation’s not going to get any better for you moving forward. Talk to an attorney.
Been there, done that, never again. I used to read about American divorce statistics with muted excitement. “50% end in divorce?? That means freedom is possible!”
And it is. I spent the first year of separation exhaling her poison. And I’m married to the actual love of my life, now. I don’t know what I was so afraid of. Divorce is fantastic.
As for your children? You’re not doing them any favors remaining in a loveless marriage with a woman who despises you, and who you resent.
*Waaaaay* over the Reddit pay grade. Professional help needed. I hope it works best as possible for the kids
Jesus, I can’t believe some of the ridiculous comments here already. Men literally cannot catch a break on Reddit. My man works insane hours to support his family, and he’s already getting blamed here for not being there for his wife enough. What a joke.
OP, sorry you’re going through this. Communication is needed, may require couples therapy. Have you had a Come to Jesus Talk with your wife about how rejected you feel? What was her response to you explaining your feelings? Any empathy?
You mentioned that you’ve had absolutely zero sex in 6 years, but she makes a point of getting exercise daily? Is she staying in good shape, wearing a lot of make-up, etc.? The fact of her refusing even a hug from you, having no intimacy whatsoever, while exercising daily is a red flag to me, and makes me think she’s been seeing somebody else. Plus she’s being cold to you.
Sometimes – *sometimes* – when somebody gets angry at you for no apparent reason, it has less to do with what you’ve done to them, and more to do with what they’ve done to you. Just food for thought.
Talk to her clearly and directly:
“I’m very unhappy in our relationship and I assume you are too. Are you happy with our current relationship?
Do you want to see a therapist to try to fix things? Would you rather go our separate ways?
I don’t want to continue with our relationship as it is now. Things must change.”
You’re never home because you’re always working, and if you’re not working you’re probably sleeping, and the little time you don’t work or sleep you’re probably just in the way of the rhythm your wife, who I’m sure feels like she’s basically a single mother, has made for herself in order to keep the household, and her own mental health, running.
This is my observation and how I would feel, I am not claiming this is the truth.
Time for therapy.
You need your own therapist and then a couple’s therapist. You have let your feelings fester for five years and possibly more. You absolutely need help in sorting through them and deciding on how to proceed in this relationship (u will have one regardless of marital status for the rest of your lives). Please start with cutting back your hours. You sound burned out with the role you have been given. You need to take care of yourself.
>All I am to my wife is an errand boy to boss around. The only time she talks to me is to give me something to do
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
So many she feels like in that comic and is fed up? Telling you what to do is already a lot of work for her.
Also, you shouldn’t see doing things around the house as “help.” You live there and it’s your responsibility.
Your kids are learning some invaluable lessons by watching you. You clearly have their interests at the forefront, or you wouldn’t stick around for this.
I was in your shoes. I chose divorce. It came with the expected consequences of impact on the children (fear, anxiety, anger), lost friends, massively deteriorated financial situation, etc.
It also allowed me to meet someone who really wants to be with me. It allowed me show my kids what a relationship should look like. It allowed me to actually be happy and feel like there is a point to life. As painful and disruptive as it’s been, I’d do it again a thousand times over. I’d rather live with pain and fulfillment than feel nothing at all. I’d rather have my kids experience ups and downs rather than nothing at all.
I suppose you could leave the marital home and move back to your mom’s home.
Oh wait: you still won’t be having sex, you will still have a boss, and you will still be an errand boy.
Never mind.
(offered with gentle humor — best of luck to you)
>She finds time to ride her peloton everyday though. I wish she rode me that much.
Lmaooo.
Leave though seriously.
To everyone who suggests couples therapy: the woman stopped seeing her husband as a man in her life at least 6 years ago, likely earlier. No therapy can make someone fall in love again. No therapy can make someone be affectionate with someone they feel no chemistry with. Please stop seeing therapy as a magic tool that fixes everything. Some things, like falling out of love and affection, can’t be fixed. Those need to be accepted and dealt with though.
OP, remember, by staying in this marriage you are teaching your kids that it’s fine to live with someone who doesn’t love and respect you.
Divorce is literally the only option
You’re burned out because of work and she is burned out because of the kids.
Both of you need to communicate and find a way to make time for each other.
Sadly it’s easier said than done.
I feel ya and I’m sorry it’s like that for you. I’m in the same boat, I understand how you must be feeling.
Your wording speaks volumes.. you try to help with the kids and house? So it’s her job to look after the kids and house and if you do anything you think you’re a good guy for trying to help? When she tells you to do stuff.. is it stuff that just needs to be done that she’s sick off taking care of by herself? Maybe she tells you to do things because you aren’t pulling your weight. Maybe she’s trying to tell you she needs help with the house and kids. Just a woman’s point of view here.
It sounds like your wife lives with an adult child who is an expert at weaponized incompetence. It’s hard to feel sexual towards someone who lacks initiative and needs lists and instructions to perform routine household duties. Have you tried doing your fair share of the housework and home upkeep? Instead of ‘helping her’, have you ever considered that its also your duty to complete these tasks? I bet you also ‘babysit’ your own kids.
Sad that its taken you 6 years to finally pick up what she’s been putting down. Your relationship is essentially over as far as anything other than roommates. Set her free, dude.
Divorce her. You should get 50/50 custody. You will be much happier single than alone in a marriage. Sounds like she coddles your kids and puts them above you. No 6 year old should be sleeping with their parents if it means kicking out one of them. I mean personally I don’t think a 6 yo should be sleeping with a parent but it works for some people. But BOTH parents should be on board.
Your life sounds miserable. Chances are there si no coming back from this. No sex for 6 years?? Why haven’t you addressed this long ago?? Anyways I’d cut your losses. Chances are you will have a better relationship with your kids in the long run unless she tries a to poison their minds. Get a lawyer for starters for an initial consultation. Your wife doesn’t need to know about this. And then start planning your exit.
I was married to an alcoholic who was also addicted to porn. I didn’t even want to have sex with him anymore but did my wifely duties once a month or so. I was very much alone. I ahted havign to give up my kid half the time but ultimately I’m so much happier being single.
Have you attempted to have this conversation with her?
Maybe trying to get over weaponized incompetence and do things without her telling you to do it?? It would help enormously to get things off you wife’s shoulder and maybe she would consider you as a husband beside an errand boy who needs orders to do anything.
It’s going to feel so foreign to you once you divorce her and find someone that appreciates you. It did for me anyway. I got used to it and embrace it now. So will you.
It sounds like too much is going on all at once. First, if you can, stop working so many hours. It’s unnecessary. If your family needs extra income, your wife can get a job. Start prioritizing your children. They need their dad there at baseball/mathletics/ballet or whatever. They will never ever say thank you for working more hours so we could get a play station.
No sex should be a deal breaker for you if that is important to you but start building the best relationship you possibly can with your kids. Whatever happens with you and your wife, being emotionally distant from your kids will perpetuate itself. Start hugging them… ask about their interests. Take them out one-on-one. Go to games. Help them with their homework. Most importantly though… tell them how proud you are of them and how much you love them.
Then. Start counselling. You need this for yourself. Not couples counselljng yet. Just you. Start thinking about what in life is important to you then start pursuing those things
Apart from sex, it doesn’t seem you even like each other one bit. There are sexless marriages with at least a feeling of partnership. This just sounds like misery.
Life is too short to spend like this. Your kids deserve happy parents. Talk to a therapist and talk to an attorney too.
OP. I’d argue going to therapy for yourself would be a first good positive step you can make in your own life. You appear to be suffering from symptoms of depression, apathy, and chronically low levels of self-esteem. If she can spend an hour every day on that peloton, you can spend an hour once a week speaking to a therapist. If she questions why you need to see a therapist, be truthful, and straight forward. No more of this wait 6 years and hope for a change for the better, BS. Call a therapist. Get on that shit now. Join a gym. Actively improve yourself. If this isn’t warning enough for your wife to get it through her skull that you’re changing, and she can either get on board and change with you or get left behind in the dust. I’m hearing lots of self-loathing and this isn’t going to just poof go away when/if you leave her and start over.
First thing above all is to get yourself in order. You’re a grown hard working loving man and father who deserves love and respect. Find a support group where you can relate to others your issues. There are many out there. One that I know well is AL-ANON . They work with people singly and whole families. Whatever you decide, please don’t try to fix this alone. Like the other comments, you need professional help. Good luck to you and remember that healing starts from within.
Well I guess we know who wears the pants. Grow a pair
You need to cut back on work. You cannot fix your relationship with your family without making time to be there.
Its not just your marriage thats suffering by working that much, you dont have time to maintain your relationship with your kids.
Cut back on hours, find another job, whatever it is you do, you NEED to free up time.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E
OP, your post history says you’ve been trying to cheat on your wife for months. Of course she isn’t going to be involved in this relationship when you claim to work that much and the rest of the time you are evidently thinking about your ex from 20 years ago. Plus, your wife also works full time, why should she have to do most of the chores and work with the kids?
​
You are being a neglectful partner in this marriage, just leave it man. You are being a bad husband. Sorry you feel like your wife is your boss, but you gotta grow up and leave if you don’t want to be with her anymore.
You need professional help, not reddit.