Sorry I don’t know the lingo of this sub but I will try anyways.
I don’t know where to start or what I need to do. Im so lost. I’ve been wanting to stop cheating for a while and would even feel guilty about it but I just kept going. Sexting, escorts, chats. I’ve already destroyed my wife and marriage when I was diagnosed with MDD in 2018 but she stood by me.
Thing is I have ED from my medication and can’t even get an erection for the most part unless it’s with my wife. I often would just sext these escorts and get excited while sometimes finishing and every once in a while meeting up only with me to not be able to perform like I want to. I got handjobs or finished myself.
On Monday the tenth of June is when she found out. She thought I was being depressed or suicidal and went into my phone which I left on the couch to look for suicidal notes only to discover my txt app which was soliciting/ sexting prostitutes. She woke me up in the middle of the night with the information, we talked, I confessed, and we went back to sleep and I could barely.
The next day it was awkward and I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t beg for forgiveness just very sorry she is hurt and wishing I didn’t do this to her. She kept saying it was ok but I knew/know it isn’t. She never got to grieve as I couldn’t stop crying for three days and just felt so bad last night was the first time she was able to talk.
For some reason I was able to listen to her without crying and she said a lot of stuff. Said I was weak, thought with my dick, stuck by me through all of this, wants to get away but she can’t because of financial trouble we have. I fucked her over and now she’s stuck. She has to work or we can’t afford everything. I want her to have time for her self but we can’t afford it with our mortgage and two kids. She has no one here all her family is on the east coast.
The worst thing she said was when I said I’m sorry I’m not the perfect husband like we wanted me to be. She responded “ I always thought you were” and she always bragged about me to her friends and family even though with all of the shit I put her through. That hit me hard.
I don’t know where to go from here. I DO NOT want to be let off the hook easily but it seems like she is. I don’t want to cheat anymore, I want to block all access to that crap in my phone, I don’t want to act out, I want to keep my family together, overall I wish I never did it and I never affected my wife. I feel terrible. I feel even more terrible that I am not crying 24/7 anymore I want to keep suffering so it doesn’t happen again. I’m so sorry babe I love you and you deserve better than me.