I (32 F) have been with my BF (35 M) for 5 years now, and we've been living together for the past 4 years, moving to a new state after every 2 years because he wants to find a new job or hates the current location. I don't mind constantly moving, and he does give me a say in which of 2 locations I would prefer. It does get exhausting, and I miss my family, but I do it because I love him.
Last year, I brought up the idea of marriage for the first time, and he just brushed it off, saying it will happen sometime next year. It's been a year now, and still no proposal. Back in March of this year, I told him how important marriage is to me, and I only have a few good years of fertility left (I want at least 2 kids). He also wants to move to a different state again (a state that I don't want to move to this time) and buy a house when our lease ends in September, and I told him that I don't feel comfortable moving to another state without at least a ring on my finger to show that he's serious. We already live several states away from family, and he wants to move even further. His response was for us to start acting like husband and wife, such as stop arguing/resolve arguments very quickly, take care of a house, and for me to start cooking 'family dinners' for the both of us (we both work a full-time job, and many days, I work 10+ hour days), then he'll propose. I even sent him several ring ideas, bought a ring sizer so he knows my size, and suggested that I get him a ring and propose to him instead, but he said no to me proposing. He also said he's scared that in the event of a divorce, that I can take away everything he worked so hard for even though I agreed to prenups/postnups.
Fast forward 2 months, and I brought up proposal again. His response was I didn't hold up my end of the deal, and if I did, he would've proposed by now. I told him I have been very stressed out and exhausted with long hours at work, and it takes 2 to start an argument whereas he expects me to remain passive when he gets angry or makes comments that hurts my feelings. I'll admit, I could get less angry when we have disagreements and could put in more effort into taking care of the house we rent, but I have been stressed and sad about not being proposed to since last year, and that carries into my emotions every day.
Now, things are where it's bad. Our lease is ending, and he wants me to move into a house with him that he buys. He asks me to pay the property taxes on the house that's under his name or pay for half of the house if I want my name on it. One, he wants to buy a house in a location I don't even want to live in, so I don't think it makes sense for me to invest all that money into a house I don't even want. And two, I told him I would like some sort of security before moving to another state and investing all this money because he could evict me at any time, and I could end up homeless.
I brought up again that I don't feel comfortable moving without a ring, and that unless he proposes before our lease ends, I don't want to go. I know it's an ultimatum, but at this point, I feel like I needed to. Clearly, he did not like that, and we have been fighting for the past week. He keeps saying he's under tremendous stress with figuring out where to live and doesn't have time to find a ring and do a grand proposal. I told him I don't want anything big; I just want the ring so we can get married next year and have a child. He told me that he'll get me a ring (essentially a shut up ring), and we can work on the not fighting and acting like husband and wife stuff that we talked about, but he's allowed to take the ring away still.
I didn't like this at first, but after a few days, I gave him and countered with, if he can give me a ring before our lease ends, and plan for a wedding fall of 2025 with plans to conceive near the end of 2025, I'll move with him to a house in that new state and pay the property taxes. Now he's saying a ring in the next few months is not happening at all. Also, when I proposed my timeline, he responded with, "fine, we'll do a year for a kid", and could not tell me what else I had just said. Then he started stressing out again and saying how he's been telling his friends about my ultimatum, and they all agree with him that it's a bad idea. I even started crying in front of him and kept throughout out solutions. Other solutions I gave him were to get back to how things were, and I'll visit this new state with him, but I would like to talk about this situation when we're both in a better place. And I even told him that if he proposes now, he can still have a full year to back out of it before next fall. He just keeps saying a ring is not happening in the next few months. His solution is that we continue things as is, move into a new house as planned, and if things continue to be good between us, there's a chance a proposal could happen in the next 2 years. I freaked out about the 2 years part, and he countered with "maybe 2 years, but it'll be absurd if it takes that long, but I don't know." I've made it very clear that I want kids, and when I bring up infertility, he says I can still have kids at 40 because his cousin was able to. Both our birthdays are also in a few months, so I'll be 33 and him 36 this year, and I can just feel myself running out of time.
I'm very lost on what to do. I don't want to throw away all the good things we've had together and just leave, but I want to be able to have kids one day, and I don't know if staying in this relationship will help me get there. BF says he also wants kids but is in no rush for them. He's also associating a proposal with signing wedding papers and doesn't seem to take my concerns seriously. I asked him if it was fair for me to keep waiting knowing I have a ticking clock, and he responded with "is it fair to give me an ultimatum that's ruining my life to the point where I can't sleep, focus on work, and is ruining my interviews?" I feel like every time I try to bring up this concern, no matter what I say, his concerns and priorities come first.
I love him, and would like to stay with him, but I'm afraid nothing will change, and several more years from now, I'll be in the same spot but older. It is also difficult for me to just leave because I'll need to figure out how to move all my stuff back to my parents, who live a 16 hour drive away, and I have a dog to also take. I really don't want to start over, and I've always dreamt of a future with this man. It just sucks that after 5 years, I have become the villain in his minds by expressing what I need. And he won't let go of this idea that I gave him an ultimatum, and that I'm the AH in this situation, when it feels like he essentially gave me an ultimatum when he told me to stop arguing or no ring, which he vehemently denies. He also constantly says he's a good man and a perfect partner, and he makes it seem like our arguments are always my fault. He also keeps saying he's committed to me and sees a future with me because he comes home to me every day and don't see other woman. I just feel like he's had a year to figure out a proposal instead of the '2-3 months' he keeps saying I'm rushing him into, and instead of doing so, he spends his time playing video games and looking at houses.
Should I call it quits when the lease ends in September and try to move on? Or should I wait it out for another year, move to the new state with him into his new house, and hope that he proposes by then?
*Side note: A few other things about him. He doesn't fully trust me when I go somewhere without him as he thinks I'm going to cheat, such as whenever I want to go on vacation alone because he doesn't want to go, he thinks I'm just going to cheat. Am I supposed to just not go? Or when I fly home to visit family, he tells me to better not see other guys. He also made me give up my guy best friend because I'm not allowed to have friends of the opposite gender. He constantly brags about how great he is, and how I'm lucky to be with someone like him, and I won't be able to find someone better, but he never tells me how lucky he is to be with me. Any jokes I make that hurts his ego or feelings, he gets very upset and angry, but when he does it to me, I shouldn't be angry because "it's just a joke". And whenever I'm not in the mood, he gets upset at me and stays upset for days. But I do enjoy the good times. The past 2 states we've lived in were my choice even though he didn't want them. We just went on vacation, and he paid for most of it. He is pretty much buying a house for me to live in, so I appreciate that. My family likes him (not so much my mom), but everyone else thinks he's great. And I'm also embarrassed to go back home ringless after 5 years when my cousin is in the process of planning her wedding after being with her BF for 3 years. I feel like a failure, and almost like I need to stick out this relationship to prove something. The grass could also be worse on the other side, and I know I will miss all the good times in this relationship. I don't want to leave, but I feel like I have to, and I am so conflicted. What if I leave and end up alone the rest of my life, but what if I stay and never have kids? Sorry for the rant. Any advice would be helpful.