I fucked up really bad. My wife and I have been in a relationship for about 3 years. We've bought a house and had a kid. Our sex life has slowed down, and she said she felt undesired. In retrospect she knew why I wasn't wanting to sleep with her as much. She was going to the gym, but she stopped after having the baby 9 months ago. Naturally she's gained weight. Actually, we've both gained weight.
We used to have sex maybe twice a week but she wants more. This is now down to about once a week. She is feeling undesired. I tried for a long time to blame myself, saying I was busy or that it didn't feel good with a condom. The condom remark is true, so I've gotten a vasectomy to help remedy that. I don't want to to be shallow! I love my wife and I want to desire her but since she's gained weight it's becoming hard for me. I hate not being as attracted to her.
I turned down her advances last night and she got very upset. She demanded to know why I turn her down sometimes. I blamed myself, saying I haven't been feeling very confident recently and that I had an early morning.
The next morning, I could tell she saw right through my lie. She was upset and demanded I be honest. Neither of us were yelling or mad. It wasn't that kind of "upset". I started crying. I didn't want to tell her the truth. I need my wife to feel beautiful. Now that she sees me crying she really wants to know what I've been holding in.
So I told her. I reminded her she asked me to be honest and said we've both gained weight since [our daughter], and I think that's the reason. She's mad now, and has gone to the coffee shop by herself.
How can I let my wife know I still love her and think she's beautiful? I've messed up telling her the truth so bad! There were so many better ways to tell her, so I don't want to hear all the "you shoulda…" Look, I've gained some weight too, and I need to get back in shape as well.
TL;DR: instead of being tactful, I basically straight up told my wife she's fat. How can I help her feel my love?
35 comments
damn. me ex bf said i was fat and i developed an ED. idk what to tell you because he tried very hard to apologize but it still hurt so bad. no woman wants to be told she’s fat, mostly from the one she loves..
She’s 9 months post baby and 9 months before that. She’s grown and nurtured her baby . You are the AH – give her a break – give her time to get her pre baby body back or some semblance of it. Yiu have a lot to fix – the poor woman
This is a massive fuck up, pal. She spent 9 months growing a human and pushing it out of her body and you turn around and tell her that the weight she’s gained during that process now makes her unattractive to you?
That is a colossal, huge insult and I can’t really describe the kind of pain your wife is probably going through right now. She is dealing with recovery from a massive medical procedure, a newborn baby and all the stress that comes with it. This is just rubbing salt on the wound in the worst way.
Obviously, you can’t help your physical attraction (although I personally find it sad that all it took was a bit of weight for you to be turned off from the mother of your child), but you sure as hell can help what you say to her.
There’s a good chance your wife is worrying about her physical form, potentially you cheating if you don’t find her attractive, anger that she went through all that for someone who isn’t attracted to her afterwards, and just generally a whole mix of upset and hurt. She created a whole child for you and you can’t see past her weight!
(again, you can’t help physical attraction, I’m just trying to give you some insight)
So how do you fix it? First, reassuring her that you find her beautiful and perfect and all that. Buying her presents if she’s that sort, maybe planning a night off for her from baby care, or whatever it is your wife likes.
Ultimately, your apology can only go so far because she will know that you aren’t attracted to her and no amount of ‘sorry’ will fix that. There’s a good chance her pain and hurt will never go away and in that regard, I’m not really sure how to help you, I’m sorry. If this was me, I’d struggle to look at you the same way again.
This is way above our pay grade and likely needs professional intervention. You just told her that you’ve actively been turning her down for sex because she gained weight from having a baby. How would YOU feel if she told you that she no longer wants you? Idk man, this is pretty fucked up. Not just that you told her, but that you’re so shallow that her natural weight gain from making a human has changed the way you look at your wife.
This is what happens when you decide to marry someone without being in love. You marry them just because you’re somewhat attracted or because it’s convenient or you feel it’s the “right thing to do” etc. Then later on you lose attraction because they gained a little weight or aged.
She had a baby, but why have YOU gained weight?
Reading posts like this one makes me so sad for being a heterosexual woman.
The audacity since you admit you’ve put on weight too and you’ve not even grown a whole baby inside you less than a year ago 😬🤦🏻♀️
When you tell a woman that your attraction is based on looks you’re basically saying the marriage has an expiration date. Even if she loses all the weight quickly she’s still going to age. And if weight is such a dealbreaker, then how can she trust that wrinkles and grey hair, infirmity, memory loss, etc won’t also stop your desire? She’s not sad OP told her she’s “fat”, she knows exactly how much she weighs! She’s mourning the realization that OP doesn’t love HER as a person, he desires the shape of a woman, the shell, the magazine image of attractive femininity. She’s mourning the loss of what she thought was a lifetime of real love. Every woman wants to find a guy who is excited to grow old with us, who wants to remember seeing each wrinkle deepen into our face and celebrate all the years and happy memories. But OP just told her he’s never thought of her that way. And of course she’s sad; it’s not something OP can even fix, he’s bought into the popular culture of women’s beauty standards so deeply that he’s basically broken.
The part that gives me the most hope here is that you are truly agonizing over this and are seeking help. I’m not sure Reddit is the best place, there are sex therapists how there and books that can help better I suspect.
Naturally after you have a baby your body is going to change. Since your kiddo is so young and you are all still adjusting to huge life changes this situation may not be permanent. Societies idea that you should bounce back within months is unhinged, it might take longer until things even out. Or it might be never. It’s also okay if she never wants to or is able to lose the weight as long as she’s healthy. Same for you.
If attraction is a problem then maybe try spicing things up? Playing into your fantasies or kinks or trying new things? Maybe you’ll find if you open yourself up you can find new appreciation for her new body. Checking your testosterone couldn’t hurt either just to cover bases. Again my main advice is a sex therapist.
If you loved her, her gaining weight growing the baby you both helped create, shouldn’t be an issue in the slightest. I think you’re projecting your own issues with your weight gain onto her, among other issues. You royally fucked up and this won’t be an easy fix. As a woman myself, I’d say she probably thinks the love you have for her is determined by her weight. You need to look inward and go talk to someone. Id be devastated if I was your wife and seriously be questioning some things.
Only thing you can do is profusely apologise and be cognisant that this might be a TOTAL game changer for her and what next will depend on her but couples therapy might be an idea to see if what has been broken, can be mended with everyone’s dignity in tact.
She will be so so so hurt and in pain right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt her world just collapsed on her.
Both me and my OH have over the last decades!!! fluctuated in weight and libido but he’s my soul mate, my love he could be wearing an eyepatch with a wooden leg with a big belly (he’s had one) and he’d still be the most attractive fun kind person around. Attraction isn’t skin deep.
I just can’t relate to these kinds of posts at all. I’ve been with my partner (32NB) for over 5 years, we’ve both fluctuated weight by 20-30lbs over those years, and I’m so deeply in love with them that I couldn’t care less. They have made me feel sexy and wanted the entire time.
That’s the mother of your child!! You couldn’t try to go on a couple walks with her, cook her some healthy meals while she takes care of the baby, suggest you take the baby while she does some at-home yoga? You HAD to crush her. There’s no going back once you’ve hurt someone like that. She will always feel that pressure to stay in a certain range.
Wow, how shallow and devastatingly hurtful. You have let her know that your relationship is contingent upon her looks after she spent months growing your child with her body. I hope she realizes that you are the unattractive one. Your attitude is ugly and you’re a hypocrite since you admit to gaining weight as well. I wouldn’t blame her if she is unable to come back from this. If so, I hope when she leaves she finds someone who truly loves her. Love is an action word and your actions DO NOT communicate love.
Given that you do seem to love her and be sensitive to her feelings, I wonder if the issue is *really* that she has gained weight.
You said you’ve both gained weight, your baby is young, which means neither of you is sleeping much, and both of those things can affect *your* sex drive.
INFO: Are you feeling attracted to other women? Are you watching porn to satisfy urges that come up rather than having sex with her? Or are you just wanting less sex overall?
Why couldn’t you have said that your own weight gain made you feel unattractive and self-conscious?
You’ve gained weight and she still loves you and wants to sleep with you, she knows that weight gain and wrinkles and saggy bits are a part of aging and hasn’t held it again you. It doesn’t sound like she’s suddenly become obese or letting her hygiene go she’s just gained a few lbs like most women do after birth. You need to get some professional help now as what has been said can’t be unsaid, you have told her that she has an expiry date and so has your marriage. You could’ve offered to cook and prepare healthy meals, you could’ve looked after your child so she could take a break & maybe have gone to the gym again, you could’ve said that you want to get healthier & suggested going for walks as a family but you chose to tell her shes fat & ugly and that myst have broken her. She has put her body on line, risked death, risked her mental health and had to deal with her body changing beyond her control to bring your child into the world and all you can do is criticise her for that fact she doesn’t look the same
This is unfortunate, and I have to say, as someone who made this mistake when I was 22 and told my partner (at the time, he is now an ex) I wasn’t attracted to him anymore because he gained 30 lbs in less than a year, I’ve been there. I don’t think people recover from this. I remember, even a year later I talked to that ex on the phone and he told me he had abs now, I think it was because he still was hurt by that comment. The truth was, he actually gained a ton of weight since then. I think these comments do so much harm to self esteem that they also end up causing more weight gain. That all being said, I think offering a ton of reassurance about how you’ll be there for her through anything and how you find her beautiful no matter what would be useful, but she now needs to do something to boost her self esteem, because you may have destroyed it. Maybe say that you’ll watch your child during one or two evenings a week so she can do a hobby that makes her feel better, whatever that may be.
You’re focusing so much on what you don’t like about your wife’s body instead of appreciating what you do like and what it’s done for YOU. It sounds like you actually haven’t tried anything except blame yourself and then blame her, when this whole time you could’ve been reframing how you view her body.
Attractiveness and what you’re attracted to is genuinely changeable and anyone who says it’s not is a complete liar. Your wife’s body represents all good things about her and about your life. Cherish it. Her body gave you a daughter. Her body holds her soul and her entire being. It might take some work but your hatred of her body is not helping you and it’s definitely not helping her, nor is it fair. I’m gonna say this again: Attractiveness is a choice. And if you truly, truly can’t be attracted to her body, you can absolutely be neutral about it and not have it get in the way of sex. There’s certain things about my exes I wasn’t particularly fond of physically, but my love and desire for them completely overrode any of that; and, their “flaws” were neutralized by my love for them, so there wasn’t any part I found truly unattractive anyway.
Attractiveness is a choice. Attractiveness can be changed. Focus on the things you like about her, about her body, about everything it’s done for you, and cherish it. You have to be willing to practice mental discipline.
Oh, honey. There’s no walking back that one. You’ve said it and she heard you loud and clear. Worse, your actions (of actively turning her down) back up your spoken sentiments.
The only thing you can do is own it. You cannot deny it or minimalize it. It’s out there like pants full of shit.
You gotta take full accountability for this mess. Put absolutely no blame on her or the baby. The problem lies with you and you have to acknowledge your flaw to her and validate her feelings if you want any hope for a continued future together with her.
This means no excuses following an apology. No caveats or reasons or “logic.” She does not need an explanation as to why her fatness is unattractive. My husband can’t learn this lesson to save him or our marriage, so please don’t be stubborn like him. The so-called “explanations” tend to do more damage than the original offense.
Instead, you apologize and tell her that you were way out of line with what you said. You plucked the lowest hanging fruit as the first explanation, but it’s probably not really it. It’s more likely due to an internal conflict that you haven’t sorted out yet than anything to do with her but you blamed her for it anyway in a cowardly fashion (don’t worry, we all do this at some point in our lives. It takes courage to admit it, though, and then do something about it).
Tell her that you think therapy for yourself is in order because it isn’t like you to hurt the nearest one you love. Acknowledge that her hurt is valid and 100% due to the damage you caused and that you’re ashamed to be the source of any pain. Assure her that she did not deserve it and the problem isn’t the weight gain.
And then shut up and listen to her. Don’t get defensive in the face of seeing her pain that you caused. Again, that will cause further damage.
What you said is the stuff of legends among women and wives don’t forget how we were treated by our mates postpartum.
Good luck, OP, for your wife’s sake.
So your devoted hard working wife carried an actual living being inside of her for 9 exhausting months and gained some extra weight? soooo what’s your lazyass excuse?
I’m 20 mos postpartum and I’m physically just starting to feel good working out. All of the hormones are still circulating around leading to ligament and joint pain. She just spent 9-10 months growing your child and presumably feeding your child from her body. She sacrificed her body to create your child and you decided her imperfections made her undesirable?! This is above Reddit and you need therapy because you may have just blown up your marriage. As someone that is in healthcare, nobody is traditionally sexy at 95. Everyone ages and everyone’s body breakdown. She is questioning what kind of partner she chose for her future.
Imagine saying this to the mother of your child, 9 months after she gave birth.
She went through one of the most physically and emotionally difficult experiences known to humankind to bring your child into the world. And your reaction is to think that she’s too fat to fuck. That’s not love.
And somehow you’ve made yourself the victim here.
My heart breaks for her. She chose the wrong man.
Do you watch a lot of porn?
Maybe the shallowness is from looking at women in porn videos and having unrealistic expectations about women and what looks good. Idk just saying.
I don’t understand how you’re saying “I messed up. She’s beautiful. But I’m not attracted to her because she gained weight.”
Idk it’s hard for me to understand because when I love someone it doesn’t matter if he gains or loses weight my attraction stays and also changes as they change. I find new things to like as they’re changing. I just have a hard time understanding that you are in love with someone and think she’s beautiful but don’t find her attractive.
Women gain weight from having babies and you admitted gaining weight too. Do you feel good at your weight and confident with yourself?
Some women lose the baby weight and some are happy where they’re at or struggle to lose. If she wants to lose the weight then you should help her.
I lost the weight for me. But if my husband said he wasn’t attracted to me before I lost the weight I’d honestly not want to be with him anymore.
I hope your wife finds true happiness and the love she deserves. I wish her much healing in her postpartum journey and that she loves her body whether she loses weight or not.
Thank god I’ll never marry a man or have a baby. Couldn’t be me
Well, she built and carried a human inside of her. A massive undertaking, biologically speaking. What’s your excuse?
I think a big thing is being more honest with yourself. You want your wife to know you think she’s beautiful but you literally find her unf*ckable. You not wanting to be shallow won’t make it so.
I am so glad you are not my husband lmfaoooo
Instead of being judgemental, I’m going to offer an actual solution. The problem isn’t that both of y’all have gained weight. It’s that you’re struggling to find attraction. You need to seek out resources that can help you learn to find attraction that is more than skin deep. You should be attracted to who your wife is as a person. And I’m sure you have been. When a child enters the family it can take over so much of who we are. You need to spend one on one time with your wife remembering why you fell in love. Playful activities with low expectations. Pool day, game night, whatever it is just make it fun and give yourselves a chance to connect with your inner child.
It’s also possible that your lower libido is related to your own weight gain and not hers. Inactivity and stress can cause weight gain, depression, lower libido, difficulty connecting with others, etc.
Whatever you do, DONT make some kind of weight loss pact. It won’t heal the issue and as you age the same problems will come back.
Prioritize your relationship with your wife. Reconnect, incorporate activities that bring you closer, and do this regularly. If the attraction doesn’t follow, seek a sex or couples therapist. This is a very solvable issue.
In the meantime, “I’m so sorry, I used my words carelessly. I shouldn’t have put the blame of this issue on you. I love you and you are beautiful the way you are. I want to spend more time connecting with you one on one. What if we get a sitter and go do XYZ this Saturday? What can I do at home to get us more quality time together?”
She literally has a child under 1
I really need men who intend to start families to stop impregnating women if they can’t deal with intimacy after weight gain from a PREGNANCY😭
First love looks beyond looks, your wife had your child, it’s takes most women about 3-4 years to go back to somewhat pre-pregnancy body. The majority of us never truly go back to pre-pregnancy body. The hormones having a child, fuck up our bodies in so many ways, from shape, to health, to mental, to emotional.
Second I can’t tell you how many men would love for their wives to want to shack up more after having a baby. Most of us have society in our ears telling us how unpretty we are because we aren’t the perfect size etc. You have seemed to feed into societies expectations of beauty.
Third you both should go to therapy separate and together before things get worse and you get to a point of no return.
Just my two cents.
You should have framed it as you don’t feel sexy and need to work on yourself as that’s true. Then turn it into something you two could do together. Helps bond, helps you both get back into shape. Win, win.
Let me put it in layman’s terms for you. I gave birth to my son in Feb 2022 and weighed 199lbs (I gained about 50 lbs this pregnancy) and it took 2 YEARS to lose the damn baby weight and get back under 140. Your expectations are unrealistic. Especially if that poor woman is breastfeeding. She’s likely always exhausted because if I had to wager a bet, she’s likely the primary care taker of your daughter. Oh and also, do you know that a woman’s abdomen literally rips its muscles apart to grow a baby? Think it just regrows back in 9 months? Absolutely not. You try hitting the gym when you have next to no core strength. How dare you sit here and act disappointed that she’s not the woman she used to be. She underwent changes you will never be able to wrap your head around to grow YOUR child. And now she’s prioritizing said child over her own health and needs because that’s what you do as a mother.
Most men (not all) are intimidated by the fragility of an infant. A lot of fathers I know became much more hands on when that child became 2-3 years old. And wouldn’t you know it, that happens to be about the time the mom can focus on herself a little more; eating right instead of eating fast, having the energy to work out instead of sleeping any chance she gets.
Gain some perspective here. You should be on your knees and groveling when she gets home. You kiss each and every one of those stretch marks and tell her how fucking beautiful she is because god damn it SHE IS. And then pray that she ever finds the desire to have sex with YOU again.
You can’t. You can’t ever take those words back, the damage is done. I hope you look like Brad Pitt or someone to judge her like that less than a year after giving you a child. You stupid, selfish moron.
I’m a gay dude, and the funny thing is that in the gay community, there is an entire group of gay men with bellies called “bears”. Bears are hairy gay dudes that have bellies of all sizes. Bears are a great community because we celebrate our sexiness by embracing the parts of us that make us unique. We may want to lose weight one day, we may actually like our bellies, but whatever the case, we are celebrating our bear era.
I say all this because in life, your body and your wife’s body will always go through change. You guys will always be going through some kind of transformation. You may not be the weight you are. You might gain weight. She might not be the weight she is. She might lose a ton of it. There might be size disparities between you both. It’s a lot of change.
What makes it worse, weight loss and staying in shape is a massive lifestyle change and huge responsibility. You mentioned having a daughter. I would bet money that taking care of your daughter takes up a considerable amount of stress and time. Where is your wife going to find the time to exercise?
It’s a huge commitment!
I think the best you can do right now is to just try to enjoy the happy times you have together and enjoy these moments of fun. You’re both going through a lot of change in your lives and there’s a huge adjustment period.
When it comes to sex and attraction, I think you need to embrace this new reality and enjoy the opportunity to try something different. Kind of like the gay bear community, it’s a great opportunity to celebrate your body and not feel judgement.
I think you should try experimenting with your wife and try things that you wouldn’t normally do. Maybe do side activities that gay men that identify as sides like to do (oral, kink, toys, role play, massages, and more) for real, see how much your wife will love you by getting on top of her and just giving her a nice long massage. Massage her back, shoulders, feet. Just have fun!
Also, the small intimacy does matter. Offer to rub her feet during a movie or put your arm around her or something. Be intimate in ways you never thought possible. Go on dates again. Have fun and still treat the marriage like a relationship.
Give her affirmations. Let her know that she is sexy. And vice versa, have her tell you things about you that make you feel sexy. It goes both ways. Sweet talk.
There’s a lot I think you can take away from this conversation with your wife and not only that, but learning a thing or two from the LGBT community as well. Hope that helps!
My husband said something along those lines like 15 years ago, after having 2 kids 11 months apart from each other. Let me just say even tho our sex life is pretty good right now I am STILL self conscious as hell. We were about 20 at the time and stupid, but come on. You don’t say that. I will never forget he said that to me. Ever. I can’t help it, it’s always in the back of my mind. He has apologized, he has gone out of his way to make me feel sexy and I know deep down he is so in love with me and attracted to me. But it’s still there in my head. Women have such a responsibility now to be perfect physically because of social media and the like. The only advice I can give to help your relationship is to understand things going to take time to heal, if it ever does. As for you actually feeling that way… honestly, don’t watch porn or look at anything with nudity or scantily clad women. The women you see in movies and porn have been retouched and they don’t have real bodies. Make sure her unclothed form is all you look at. My husband made a choice to avoid any and all nudity in movies and does his best to shy away from situations where he would see a lot of half naked women. He also grew up and started thinking of me as his partner instead of his place to stick it. Hope that helps.