TL;DR – Feeling unfulfilled in my marriage. Husband is depressed and jobless for almost a decade. Never had a sexual spark beyond friends so there’s nothing to rekindle. Reasons to stay: loyalty, fear of being alone, and our 2 year old.
——
My husband and I met in high school when I was dating his friend (more on that later). That relationship ended and broke my heart into a thousand pieces, but the friend group continued to include me when we were home from college. I soon began chatting on AIM with my now-husband. We made each other laugh, flirted, and developed crushes on each other (him more so than me; I thought of him as a best friend platonically until our other friend told me to date him).
We started dating about a year after my breakup with his friend, and moved in together the next year while we finished college. We were both broken with depression and found comfort only in one another. We tried lifting each other up but inevitably one of us was always in pieces. Not the healthiest foundation, but we grew attached through the struggles.
Caveat #1: I never felt that spark of attraction to him the way I had with my ex (who I was very attracted to and quite sexual with). I never felt the urge to jump his bones, or felt tingles when we kissed. In fact, our first several make-outs grossed me out physically, and I told myself it would get better. We had sex, but I can count on both hands the number of times I’ve ever orgasmed with him over the last 22 years. I’m just not that turned on by him… which is exacerbated by the next item…
Caveat #2: He has barely held down a job his entire adult life. He’s insanely smart, even got an advanced degree, but just doesn’t have whatever he needs internally to face life, buckle down, and do stuff. He’s petrified of failure so much that he has manifested it. His ADHD is severe and definitely fucks things up (he’s medicated), but lots of people with ADHD are at least functioning members of society, if not thriving. I’ve been the sole breadwinner almost our whole lives, and I resent that tremendously.
Caveat #3: In 2022, we had our son who we love beyond words. My husband is a really amazing dad, and even spent the first year home with the baby as a SAHD. We co-parent very well together and are a united front going into the toddler years, which is nice.
Caveat #4: Unintentionally trying to fill the void, I’ve had a handful of intense crushes on unavailable guys over the years. The latest of which is a rekindling of feelings for my ex (who has remained a friend and who I was madly in love with as a teenager). He’s married with a small kid and nothing is going to happen, but my desire is so strong. He represents an ideal — one that I would want if I could have it.
Right now, we are practically just roommates who share a kid. We have good outings with our son, get along for the most part, and can be ourselves together (good and bad). We’ve been in couples therapy and often talk through issues and feelings we have. We hardly ever hang out or do things as friends anymore (lots of living separately under one roof and me feeling alone).
The marriage feels kind of like a dead-end to me now that I’m getting deeply honest with myself in my 40s. My romantic/sexual needs are not being met, and I don’t feel like I have a true grown up partner (e.g.: a confident man who owns his life, career and aspirations). Not to mention he brings no income to the household and hasn’t for years.
I know the grass isn’t always greener, but I feel like I deserve better. And although I love him, I don’t feel “in love” with him and haven’t for a long time. I’m tired and often feel like I’m being dragged down with the ship. I want to be with someone who COULD stand alone, but chooses to stand with me. But walking away from someone you love is so hard.
So, I’m struggling to decide what I want in life. Do I stay in this marriage and make the best of it… or separate and move on to try to find someone I’m happier with?