hy , i made an account for this question since i dont use reddit at all , but searching in youtube i found that people use it for cases like this , so please give me good advice.
now look , me and my bf have been together for 3 years , he and i are different in a lot of aspects , yet we always conquered it and we stayed together , the first 2 years were great we fough a lot but nothing serious it always ended with us having S*X , and i need you to remember this , s*x played a huge roll in our relationship , he went with all my desires , and it was like a making up after an argument , he is the lovey dovey kind but he is a bit switchy , not that i mind since he cant be an angel all the time .
so the last year was the worst year of my life , i had severe depression for like 7 months or so , and i took antidepressents , it was a hard 7 months for me but what was the source of my current problem was that i didnt see how much it affected him , i will write later a post about how bad my depression was , but to put it easily i was in deep despair , i couldnt see the light in my relationship , i have to say i stopped working ( i was fired for being absent a lot and in our country mental health is a rumor for people nobody believes it , even i didnt until i faced it ) so i can say that in these 7 months i went out after getting fired 3 times or so , i spent most of the day in the house .
my bf got an online job to help us with finances , so he was rlly busy , working 2 jobs , even thought , he never stopped giving me time and complimenting me even though i can assure you that i wasnt looking good at all that time , i didnt do anything around the house , he used to get back from work and do some chores , he brings food with him and then he starts his second job , when he finishs he takes me to take a shower together he chats with me and try to cheer me up , we go to bed , when i see it now, he is the best bf i could have in that time , but then i couldnt see it , i was too focused about my own feelings and didnt give him credit about anything , i even snapped at him and took my frustration on him a lot (im not so proud abt this) and here is where sex had to do it's job .
but the thing is that i couldnt , the meds lowered my sex drive so much , we probably had S*X 5 times in that period , even though it was the life line of our relationship , i saw this then and i though he will dump me , so i tried to dump him first , he refused and begged me to stay together , (i wasnt taking my frustration on him back then it started 3 weeks later) tbh i was pleased by that , i know im a SL*T and all and i hate myself now for that , i started looking down on him like im the prize in this relationship even though i was just a burden to him, i took out my frustration on him and all , but he stayed.
i started getting better gradually 2 mnths from now , and i started noticing how bad i affected him with my shit , he stopped initiating S*X , even though im sure he has a huge sex drive since he took up every chance for us to have S*X , (and im sure he didnt cheat , i checked his phone a lot in that period and i would eventually find him jerking off) he stopped smiling at my sight , i even for the first time noticed some scars on his hand , i cried a lot that day (we were in the middle of a fight so he went to sleep on the couch ) , and i swear i found some meds in his closet and when i asked him about it he said they were for appendix , i was shocked , why didnt he tell me , he said he told me and that i wasnt listening as always .
he still chats with me and all but i feel like a spark in his eyes is off , he still acts the same but i dont know how to say it , i wish yu understood , a week from now i found a text from his friend that he told him to dump me , and that i got him depressed too , i dont kknow how my bf replied and i dont want to know i just want to make sure that i can get him back no matter how he thinks about me right now , my sex drive is still affected from the meds , so i wish you can help me (btw that was when i planned on posting and i created an account , but i got a bit embarassed so plz be nice)
now look , i swear on my god im not faking , i swear i need help , please you are my last chance , and as i said i cant tell someone in y enviroment since they dont believe in mental health, please help
TDLR :
i got depressed and treated my boyfriend bad even though he was soooooo supportive
i got better and i feel like i lost him
how can i get him back ?